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John Shore

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'God, Why Did You Make Me This Way? Why Did You Give Me This Life?'

Posted: 03/23/11 10:49 PM ET

"Have you written/composed something thoughtful in response to those Phelps people?" I read in a stranger's email to me last week. "They are what I picture when I think of religious people."

I immediately responded: "Fred Phelps is an inbred media monger whose 'church' is no one but his idiot family. Confusing him with religious people is like confusing Mother Theresa with someone who sells children into prostitution. Remember: All the thoughtful, sane, rational, normal Christians are in church. It's all the the crazy ones who are on TV."

And I was surprised to receive in return this heartbreaking email:

Dear John,

Thanks for your reply.

Some background: I was raised in a Southern Baptist household, in a small rural town in Pennsylvania. As a gay youth, I was ostracized from just about every social venue. And not just ostracized, but persecuted. I became the subject of ridicule, and of verbal and physical abuse, from the school yard to my home life -- including from my immediate family.

There are many things a human can tolerate, but when your immediate family, your support system, pulls the rug out from under you, it is so much more than a feeling of being punched in the gut. You cannot imagine the overwhelming sense of loss and pain, and then inward hatred, that this creates. I recall as a child of thirteen crying hysterically, and asking god "Why did you make me this way? Why did you give me this life? Why would you create something only to see it tortured and destroyed?" This kind of pressure can only be tolerated by an individual for so long before something gives, either externally or internally.

I believe I could have handled the incessant harassment at school, as long as I had a supportive family who loved me. But when you are raised in the Southern Baptist tradition, there is no greater abomination than what I was: a homosexual. I will never forget my father's words, "No son of mine is gay." I recall my mother's apathy, which was even more painful, her unwillingness to challenge this sentiment. I recall my brother's assertion, "You should just kill yourself." And my older sister seemingly clueless.

When this happens to someone so young, when they are being developed, it is so much more than mere bullying. It is an emotional, spiritual, all encompassing rape that leaves the victim with a perverse and distorted view of oneself and the world in general. All of this was done in the name of religion or what the Bible says. I was taken to a christian counselor, who was supposedly able to condition the abomination of homosexuality out of me. My parents took me to the Pastor of Open Door Church (what irony), who told me I could expect to burn eternally in a lake of fire, forever and ever.

You cannot imagine how this experience has shaped every aspect of my life, for better and for worse.

I realize it is not your place to argue or correct the many evils that come from those who profess to be Christians. I know it is not fair to ask all the thoughtful, sane, rational, normal Christians who are in church to step outside of their congregations and actually apply what they profess to believe in. I would never expect that, any more than I would expect sensible Muslims to step outside of their mosques and argue against the vitriol spewed from their extreme equivalent.

The point: I think what you are doing is important. I hope you continue your writing and exploration of these issues. Your "Smith Family Chronicles" [see here] created such feelings for me, a reliving of something exquisitely painful. While I have strong reservations about god, and Christianity (can you blame me?), there was some small quark inside me that somehow refused to be destroyed, some small seed that has been gathering evidence in all of my years on the planet. And although I may never meet you, or see your face, I am thankful that you exist. It is so important that there are voices of sanity and truth out there, voices that reach out to all those who are suffering. There is one thing I know, in my heart of hearts, that we humans are on this planet to learn from one another and love one another.

Thanks and I wish you continued success in your writing and creative endeavors.

A little while ago someone wrote to ask me why I'm so interested in the "gay issue." I replied that my primary interest isn't in "the gay issue." My primary interest is in the abuse of power.

Look how this guy was treated by his family. Look how he was treated at school. Look how he was treated by his church.

With what shameless ease does malevolent power adorn itself with the rosy mantle of piousness.

Christianity has institutionalized the most base, cruel kind of bigotry. It did it with slaves. It did it with women. It's doing it with gays.

Will we ever run out of fools pleased to confuse the purity of their own hateful fear with the purity of Jesus' love for all of God's children?

Join me in praying to God that we do.


John also blogs on JohnShore.com. Join/like his Facebook fan page.

 
 
 

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01:51 PM on 03/27/2011
The Assemly of God churches have just as much hatred for gays as the WBC, sir. I sure would like it if you'd tackle that church, since they are doing more than holding offensive signs at funerals.
09:39 AM on 03/26/2011
-Liberals- sponsor many causes that are anti religion but when it is to their advantage they use -God- and -Religion- to justify their cause???
09:05 AM on 03/26/2011
Because -Liberals- think something is OK with them Everybody else has to agree with them or they are horrible human beings? Liberals think that anybody with serious mental illness should be supposedly helped by mental health professionals that use inhuman experimentation with drugs and pain and suffering and inhuman medical procedures that experiment with defenseless Children? Think twice before You get involved with the mental health industry or listen to a Liberal???
12:00 PM on 03/27/2011
It might prove more effective in urging others to think twice if you yourself came off as at least having done so once.
09:13 PM on 03/25/2011
As a pastor, I am sorry this young man was treated so unlovingly by his family and church. I'm also a little confused as to why he would expect anyone committed to biblical standards to be accepting of his lifestyle choice. Would he have expected a 'way-to-go' if he revealed to his parents and clergy he was alcoholic? Or had knocked-up some girl? Or stole candy from a baby? What he really craved was acceptance of a lifestyle he knew to be biblically sinful. He should have been met with a lot more love. But he shouldn't have expected acceptance of the self-destructive lifestyle he was choosing.
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Balancement
Timendi causa est nescire. -- Seneca
12:24 AM on 03/26/2011
It's not a choice. When did you "choose" to be straight.

You know what? Never mind. I'm tired of arguing with people like you. The poet Dame Edith Sitwell said it best, "I am patient with stupidity, but not with those who are proud of it."

You have a Bible where your heart should be--and they're both cold and dead.
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jf12
Occupying myself
08:59 AM on 03/26/2011
When did you choose to be ignorant that most predispositions and dare I say ingrained behaviors such as alcoholism have a genetic basis? "It's not a choice" backatcha.
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legalhound
02:15 AM on 03/26/2011
Why do those who claim to be pastors refuse to pay attention to science and actually use the brain that God gave them? It isn't a choice to be gay, there have even been studies done with identical twins that prove it is not a choice. It also is not self-destructive in and of itself. That self-destructiveness comes from the hate that surrounds them and constantly tells them they are unworthy and evil. God is too great for hate and if you don't believe that I feel truly sorry for you as you have been mislead into believing that you are a child of a lessor god and have been tricked into worshiping something less than divine. The hate that gets preached is not God, hate is a very human thing and it is a vice rather than a virtue. God is perfect and would therefore be nothing but virtue-patience, faith, understanding, joy and love and all of them would be infinite and eternal because God is infinite and eternal.
05:27 PM on 03/26/2011
Thanks for your well thought out, educated and enlightened post. Those who are antigay in the name of Jesus often hurt people to the point that they have no desire to know God, it is too bad as the God I worship is all loving and all forgiving.
12:18 PM on 03/28/2011
As disappointing as this may be, the identical twins studies actually support the theory of homosexuality being a case of nurture instead of biological.
http://www.narth.com/docs/whitehead2.html
Extensive review of the human genome for more than ten years finds no evidence for homosexuality in the genes.Statistical data for the destructive homosexual lifestyle is extensive and irrefutable with gay men living an average of 42 years and lesbians to 45 years [you actually live longer as a daily cigarette smoker than a homosexual].
http://www.traditionalvalues.org/pdf_files/statistics_on_homosexual_lifestyle.pdf
The American Psychological Association changed its position in recent years from homosexuality as a biological function to a more ambiguous position of possibly biological and nurture in development because the science doesn't support biology. The APA now supports therapists offering transitional treatments from LGBT to heterosexual orientation. http://www.narth.com/docs/deemphasizes.html
Finally, I don't hate LGBTs nor do I preach hatred of them. I will gladly share a meal, watch a game, or sit and have a conversation with them. My refusal to accept their lifestyle [or any other sexually unbiblical lifestyle] as normative or healthy does not preclude the opportunity for friendship.
DrSnuggles
You label me and I'll label you
02:04 PM on 03/25/2011
Stories like this are extremely upsetting to me; I know I am blessed because I cannot relate. I had a very loving family upbringing and nothing has changed. Even more positive than that, I know if I were gay my family would completely accept me. Sort of, my father is old and a bit curmudgeonly and does not believe in homosexuality (granted he doesn't believe in heterosexuality either, we're all somewhere on the spectrum of bisexuality apparently). I couldn't even imagine the pain that the author of the letter reprinted above and the comments printed below.

I think what really gets to me is that I have zero understanding of what goes through these families' collective minds, I couldn't imagine taking away my support for a family member under any circumstance.
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jf12
Occupying myself
10:56 AM on 03/25/2011
And such were some of you. People are supposed to change.
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LintLass
"When you can balance a tackhammer on your head...
09:21 AM on 03/25/2011
Well, to the author of this, I'll say that what this letter shows is that the problem is *not* that there are just the Phelspes and then 'regular Christians who aren't at all hateful or oppressive of LBGT people, most especially their own kids and those they claim for their own churches: it shows the *contrary,* that the problem is systemic, endemic, and does its worst damage, not in the ravings of Phelpses and political evangelicals (Though they of course try to bring the law to bear to enforce their hatred) ...but in the people who make the hate *mainstream,* often *inescapeable,* and most particularly, in what are supposed to be the very *homes* of LGBT youth.)

I think one reason you see a lot of LGBT Pagans who were raised under just those conditions here trying to turn around and point that *out* is cause we're *not* in a position of begging for some God to 'love us anyway,' there's no 'anyway' about it, with our Goddess/Gods.

They were with me *though it all,* when I was a kid, (And I didn't even think They were anything to do with that Church thing called 'religion,' at *all,* actually, but, Lady. I feel fortunate, to the point of survivor's guilt, sometimes.)

The people and teachings claiming to 'defend the family' by teaching families to scorn fear and reject their own kids over anything seemingly-*related* to sexuality, Are pervasive, and don't *protect* families, they *destroy* them.
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LintLass
"When you can balance a tackhammer on your head...
09:44 AM on 03/25/2011
(continued: think this one takes a bit more space:)

This is something that's beyond top-down thinking, or pointing fingers and saying it all comes from the Phelpses or whoever's the most obviously-frenzied zealots, ....though surely much of it comes *from* not far from these types, the worst thing that *hurts* so many LGBT youth, to the point of suicide if not bullying-to-death or obvious abuse or other things that make the news, is not even these things: people can be amazingly tough, after all, but not so much when seemingly the whole *world,* even one's own family, is turned against one. Not just what Christians teach *LGBT kids,* but *everyone.* Actually being straight or even homophobic isn't much protection, either, it's got a lot to do with a terror of being treated *like* us. Of 'losing their families,' and 'parental rejection' as the Christian dogma claims to punish 'sin,' with or without additional tortures. Messes with people's heads.

Anyway, the typical reaction of most Christians is to say, 'Oh, you just hate us for our righteousness, etc, etc, and want to destroy us! (Daddy will be so angry!)' but don't take it for that. If we wished you ill, we wouldn't be telling you how to fix what *is* destroying your religion. And hurting people.

As Paganism grows and develops, fewer of us proportionally, are going to *know how that works from the inside,* Gods grant. I'd take the opportunity to listen now.
07:35 PM on 03/24/2011
Thank you for reprinting his letter (after, one assumes, getting his permission to do so :-). You know how much I admire what you're doing, though I may have called you out once or twice for your sarcastic, curt answers, but this is truly beautiful.

You are among a small(ish, but growing) group of Christians who stand against everything from the narrow extremes of Phelp's hateful brand of "christianity" to the broader, less obviously troll-like masses whose version of Christianity leads them to say things like "Well, God must've needed another angel" at the death of my child. Just plain stupid and not even theologically sound. It's not hateful, but it's not helpful, and it's all too common.

So keep up the good fight, brother: we are not promised that we will "win". We may believe that every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord, but that's God's victory, not ours. On the contrary, we are only promised that we will survive as a remnant: a battered few, struggling against the odds. Persecuted, beleagured, challenged and outcast. Your "voice crying in the wilderness" is not falling entirely on deaf ears. It's keeping the remnant activated. Blessings to you.
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DannyEVillage
04:30 PM on 03/24/2011
it's so easy to abuse those whom you're sure most people around you already hate.
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DannyEVillage
04:20 PM on 03/24/2011
I love how that person wrote to you and reduced the multifaceted concerns, crises and heartbreak into "the gay issue." Pretty ugly in and of itself.
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John Shore
Author of "UNFAIR"
04:55 PM on 03/24/2011
I can't tell you how many emails like that I get. And I also can't believe how often they contain the EXACT same phrase, which is "Why do you love the gays so much?"

"The gays." They must teach that phrase at Backwards Bible School, or something.
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DannyEVillage
02:06 PM on 03/26/2011
y'think gay folks should start referring to everbody else as "the straights"?
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pdferguson
Micro-bios? We don't need no stinkin' micro-bios!
03:56 PM on 03/24/2011
You had me right up to your last sentence: "Join me in praying to God that we do."

I won't join you because that would waste time better spent doing just about anything else (such as writing this comment.) I realize sentiments like this aren't always to be taken literally, but the problem is that it implies prayer has effect, when it doesn't. Rather than pray to God, talk to PEOPLE. That's what will turn the tide, not prayer, because prayer is nothing but a conversation with yourself and if you haven't already had that conversation about bigotry towards gay people, your call to prayer won't help.

Anyways, thanks for writing about this issue again. It is too easy to corral all the religious bigotry towards gay people and assign it to the hateful members of the Westboro Baptist Church, so that people can avoid acknowledging the far broader reality of religious bigotry today. We need look no further than the despicable role of the Mormon Church in California's Proposition 8 battle to see that there is much more to be done before this issue will finally become nothing more than a footnote in history books.
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ninetailedfox
banning people.....so childish
03:37 PM on 03/24/2011
To me this isnt just about coming out as being gay, its also about coming out as being an ex christian as well. Ive met many people kicked out of their house and home for deconverting, in fact one of those people happens to be my best friends cousin.
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elijah24
Ubuntu
03:09 PM on 03/24/2011
Mr. Shore, Thank you so much for publishing this mans letter. And please thank him for allowing you to.
As a straight man, I have often wondered why I feel such a kinship for the gay community. I've never understood it. I've even found myself wishing that I could make myself be physically attracted to men, so that I could just take the proverbial plunge and be done with it.
It never made sense to me until I read this letter. Now I get it.
I grew up in a fundamentalist evangelical family. My Dad was a minister, and as early as i can remember, he was grooming me to take his place. But I made a mistake: I started to question. I'm not even saying I doubted. I just wanted to understand better, the things that didn't make sense to me.
Imediately, my relationship with my family changed. Suddenly, every time I was accused of doing something "wrong", I was presumed guilty, whether I was or not. They constantly beraded me for my lack of faith, and warned me that my lack of commitment to the "truth" could condemn me.
When my Aunt Tina came out when I was 19, and the whole family cast her out like a lepper, I stood by her, and my rejection was complete.
What I delt with was far less than what many religious gay kids deal with, but the long-term damage is similar, I think.
I just wanted to say, thanks.
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John Shore
Author of "UNFAIR"
06:53 PM on 03/24/2011
You're welcome. Thank you.
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Bill J4321
08:38 PM on 03/25/2011
You ARE one of us, elijah24.

You don't have to be LGBT to be one of us.

Best to you.
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ninetailedfox
banning people.....so childish
02:38 PM on 03/24/2011
I am an ex christian. In my honest opinion, there is no reconciling christianity and being gay. The two are incompatable, and I honestly feel that most gay christians are self loathing. I dont believe in sin, and I dont believe Jesus saves, I believe that if he existed, it is best not to follow nor emulate a man nobody truly knew.
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John Shore
Author of "UNFAIR"
02:58 PM on 03/24/2011
Here's a piece I wrote called, "The 'Problem' of the Devout Gay Christian":

http://johnshore.com/2009/04/29/the-confusing-power-of-the-devout-gay-christian/
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Ioan Lightoller
Proud Married Gay Pagan Man
06:52 PM on 03/24/2011
Me, too. I just got tired of all the hatred directed at me by "devout" Xtians who of course assured me that they "loved me". I think you are right about most GLBT Christians being self-loathing. I would go through periods like that...went through quite a lot of them. Now that I am Pagan I know there is not one thing wrong with me--i have married a wonderful man and am very happy. I don't think that could have happened if I had remained Christian.
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Bill J4321
12:30 PM on 03/24/2011
My own story is so similar to the letter-writer's, it takes me back to that place and time, so long ago. I too was raised in a extremely religious environment. The evangelical kind.

When my parents found out I was gay, I was 16. They gave me 100 dollars and my backpack and showed me the door, instructing me never to return. I have not heard from a single family member in over 25 years. They left me abandoned, homeless and rejected. And still do to this day.

While a homeless teen, I met many other teens on the streets with the same situation as me and my family. Many strung out on drugs and wounded as deeply as any human being can be. It changed my life, witnessing that. And I knew somewhere inside of myself that if I went down that road, I would die. It was a choice. A choice I actually pondered and made. But who knows had one event played out differently, I may have made a bad choice. I guess I am rambling a bit, but sharing this story opens some boxes that I only allow myself brief, private, and infrequent peeks into.

Yet, in all this. Through all the pain that any gay person can testify to. Through all of the violence we face. We can still love. That can not be taken. It's the only evidence of God I have ever witnessed on this planet.