In the comment threads of some of my posts here on Huffington Post, people have speculated about whether or not I'm "really" a Christian. (I'm used to getting that question from the right; it's new to me from the left.) So, I thought I'd share the story of my conversion.
The split-second before I very suddenly became a Christian, I couldn't possibly have been less of a Christian. If anything, I was anti-Christian. The religion struck me as ridiculously immature, a way-too-obvious system designed mostly to capitalize on people's guilt: Big Daddy in the Sky knows you did wrong, but will love you anyway if you'll only admit that he's perfection itself, and that you're a wretched, sickening sack of sin.
Please. I always figured that if I wanted Father Knows Best, I'd watch TV.
And it wasn't like I didn't believe in anything. I did. I very seriously believed in me. I hadn't a doubt in the world about the fact that I was somebody truly worthy of my utmost affection and devotion. I was strong, capable, friendly, competent -- I was just a general, all-around good guy. I was thirty-eight years old. I'd been happily married for sixteen years. I had a good job. I had friends. People liked me. I liked me.
That is, I liked myself as much as it seemed reasonable to. I was certainly aware of my own shortcomings (which I won't share with you here, in order to save my friends and former friends the shock of suddenly realizing what happened, that one time, to their stashes of porno and pot). But I didn't need God or anybody else to forgive me for the times I behaved poorly. I was perfectly capable (if not spectacularly efficient) at forgiving myself, thank you very much.
Because I knew that, at my core, I was a good, morally sound person.
On the other hand, I was a human being. And human beings, I knew (boy, did I know) have natural needs, and natural weaknesses.
The paramount imperative, I believed, was to love myself. That's what it was all about: loving, and forgiving, oneself. Those who mastered that mastered life. You had to be your own parents, your own nurturer, your own best friend.
Who could argue with that?
Then one day I was sitting at my desk at work during a totally typical weekday, feeling regretful about a particularly immature, semi-destructive thing I'd recently done, when this feeling started coming over me that in about four seconds had my undivided attention.
"What the hell?" I thought. The next thing I knew, I was very nearly desperate to be alone somewhere. It felt like warm water was filling me up inside -- but downward, starting at just beneath my scalp. Right about when the "water" had moved from my neck to my chest, I knew that whatever was happening to me wasn't going to stop.
And I could tell it was something spiritual, or psychological -- or something basically non-physical.
"I'll be right back," I said to a co-worker -- and then cut out for an auxiliary supply closet in our office that no one ever used. I flipped on its light, closed its door behind me, and waited.
I closed my eyes. The intensity of what was happening made that seem like a good idea.
And what happened, rather all at once, was that I saw what a complete asshole I was. Isn't that awful? All at once, the truth was before me that instead of being a good guy who's basically always trying to do the right thing, I was a selfish, emotional weakling who was always doing and saying whatever best served my own needs at the time.
I never lied; but I'd fudge the truth here and there if it didn't really hurt anybody and would help things roll my way.
I never cheated; but life is complex, and sometimes one has to make deals that more directly serve a Larger Good.
I wanted to help others; but there were so many good shows on TV, especially after a long, rough day at work.
What suddenly became a fact to me was that I'd been fooling myself for so long I'd forgotten the act. I wasn't the great, honorable person I started out to be, that I'd meant to become -- that I actually thought I was. I was just another guy so busy thinking he's constructing the perfect home that he doesn't realize how long ago he stopped using a level.
Man, I hate it when that happens.
I hate it when my whole view of myself is suddenly deconstructed and replaced by a view of myself that is so not what I expected.
I hate it when in one second I go from being Batman to being the Penguin.
Actually, though, that wasn't the worst part. By far.
The worst part was that, accompanying that less-than-peachy view of myself, was the very real knowledge that I was never, ever, ever going to change.
Ever. Never. Ever.
I was born as I was. I had spent my life as I was. And I would die as I'd always been: small, selfish, and mean as a pissed-off penguin.
And there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.
I'd already spent my whole life trying to. Miserable mediocrity was the best I could do. I could achieve that only when I'd somehow pulled it together enough not to be a completely craven animal.
On a good day I was the Penguin!
And then here's what happened: I saw my death. I mean, I didn't see myself writhing around after I'd been hit by a truck on the freeway or anything -- I didn't see how I would die. But I did see, in a sort of direct, open tunnel, the disturbingly short distance between where I was, and where I was most certainly going. I saw my mortality. I saw the simple fact that I would die -- and that, as surely as one day follows the next, at the moment of my death I wouldn't be any different from how I'd been at any other moment of my life.
I wasn't going to get better. I wasn't going to become stronger, or wiser, or smarter, or more honorable. It just wasn't going to happen. I was thirty-eight. I was who I'd die being. At best.
Oh, but that was a bad, bad moment for me.
And then my legs disappeared from underneath me. I actually fell on my knees.
In the supply closet.
At my job.
Looking at my miserable, weak future, straight to my miserable, means-nothing death. It was just me and the cold, hard, gray, flat fact of ... me. Which was never going to change. I just did not have the will or means or character to change who I was, which was exactly who I'd always been.
I saw that my life, in any way that could possibly matter, was over.
Then I did something I never, ever do. I started to cry.
Because isn't the whole point of being alive to be someone you'd really want to be?
So I'm kneeling there, blinded by my sad, stupid little fate, when, from up and off to my left, I hear a disembodied voice say something.
And it says what it says in a clear, distinct cartoon voice.
Listen: I grew up glued to cartoons. As a kid, I had absolutely no idea what was happening with adults, who were clearly insane. But Daffy Duck I got. Porky Pig was my kind of guy. Wile E. Coyote? Please -- my very alter-ego!
To this day, I practically shiver with joy when The Simpsons are on.
Anyway, of course I can't exactly describe the cartoon voice I heard. But, you know: goofy, precise, rich, psuedo-edgy. Cartoonish.
And what that voice said, from up and off to my left somewhere -- from offstage, as it were -- was, "Isn't this what Jesus is for?"
And just like that, I stopped crying.
And do you know what I knew at that moment -- what instantly imprinted itself upon me? That the story of Jesus is historically true. That it happened. That God, desiring above all else to show the people he'd created that he loved them, became a human, and came to earth, and sacrificed himself, and in every way did every thing he possibly could to show people exactly how deeply and terribly he loves them.
That's what my conversion consisted of: a sudden, sure knowledge that the historical story of Christ is true.
It wasn't, like, wisdom at all. I wasn't suddenly filled with the Mind of God, or anything like that. My soul didn't light up. Angels didn't sing for me. Nothing like that happened. In a way, it was about as boring as learning the year house paint was invented, or that your bank has slightly altered its Saturday hours. All that had changed was that I was now sure that the story of Christ, about which I had always scoffed (if I ever thought of it at all), was true.
Then it was like how, when it starts to rain, you think about the only thing you can think, which is: "Oh. Now everything will get wet."
That's about what I thought: "Oh. Now I'm a Christian."
So I stood, wiped my eyes, opened the door to the supply closet, and went back to work.
And that was that.
Follow John Shore on Twitter: www.twitter.com/johnshore
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But did Jesus die to just overlook sin or to deal with it so that we might change and become a people that are different? Is not what God wants a change of heart that results in a change in our behavior?
"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but wordly sorrow brings death." 2 Cor. 7:10 It's possible to be repentant in a way that doesn't change us and does not lead to salvation.
There is something about the love of God that is suppose to change us. It frees us from the law, makes us slaves to Christ's law to love others and produces a real righteousn
Thankfully
If we thought we could come to Christ by saying the right prayer, without a heart change and obedience to him, we have completely misunderst
As to a couple of the detraction
So, the only explanatio
And I'm pretty cool with that. :P
/
I find it ridiculous that most comments on here are all negative, posted by depressed people claiming the feeling was " magic " or " low blood sugar " if this was about him loosing his faith i bet the comments would be supportive
I am glad you found God and had the courage to share it with the world.
Before I respond to you, I want to make clear I fully support John's conversion
Now, onto your charges, Katie. In history class, we do learn of religion as it applies to history. This doesn't involve teaching the Bible because it isn't a history book, it's a religious book. Since we live in a country that allows for freedom of religion, we don't teach people to be the religions taught about in history classes, we simply teach them about them as they relate to history. Religious education is done privately, by the children's families or by private institutio
continued in reply
As far as religion in our laws, absolutely not. That would be and has been disastrous
People today do have values and morals. They don't always match up with Christian values and morals, but the important ones, such as not killing or harming others, are still going strong. If you mean to say that gays, or those indulging in premarital sex don't have morals, then you are very sorely mistaken, and should get to know some people outside your little club.
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However, in practical, pragmatic terms it all boils down to a single point: Magic. You believe it exists, and I do not.
You claim that anyone who does not acknowledg
How can I "miss" something that does not exist?
In any case, I am glad that your magic has made you happy. As another commenter said earlier, just keep it out of our laws and my kid's school and we'll be fine. :)
therefore there has to be a real tangible beginning (past) your convergenc
that does not preclude the end. If you believe that God Made you and he has sandwiched your existence now presently and a seek to go home to him in the eventual unstoppabl
beginning and end...
Just do what is obvious now if you can feel it, I hope, I pray and exist to pray for the
hope and love to you who can not...
Let there be God making a sandwich covered with love your convergent existence between... just a thought, There is no randomness to prove your way out of it relativist
him consuming me (Alpha begin, Omega End)...ano
Supreme starter pistol ---->>> [there has to be an end somewhere here because what causes needs the effect [made big bang man [big bang man [ you I hope somewhere I feel and I know'z I exist it seems to real to be
an illusion and if I question I exist then I guess I don't exist, you are probably at this point made to big of a hill of beans so go ahead and be nihilistic at this point but you still can't escape you exist and if you say I am going to go
ballistic or kill somebody or myself How do you know your TV is connected to the whole line of existences that your TV [you] will turn off everybodie
by following theorem in Math Analysis
Every sequence that has a convergenc
http://en.
Look through your own eyes and realize that you are the only one able to look, feel, given to have sensation, hopefully,
-you are very convergent of this existence.
since to get to this convergenc
if you keep using the evolution argument that it all came from the big bang... who started the big bang and if it was the force at the beginning who started it and you keep on creating intervals before the one who for example go to the Example: God.
I recently took a spin last month at an yearly, Earth Day celebratio
I asked God for help and read the Bible by randomly reading the first chapter that it is in to no take out of context...
2 corinthian
Jeremiah 3: I had returned from a backslidde
of, course the reason or center point of book bible (John as a result to deal with Genesis, carniverou
God had to check things out give His life to take care of business all according to Plan...
go to God Proof:
I recently took a spin last month at an yearly, Earth Day celebratio
I asked God for help and read the Bible by randomly reading the first chapter that it is in to no take out of context...
2 corinthian
Jeremiah 3: I had returned from a backslidde
of, course the reason or center point of book bible (John as a result to deal with Genesis, carniverou
God had to check things out give His life to take care of business all according to Plan...
continue to God Proof: