Over the many years of treating patients suffering from stress, excessive worry and even severe anxiety disorders, I have discovered that many of these individuals cling to the notion of a "consensus reality."
Consensus reality is a cognitive construct we unknowingly subscribe to as ultimate truth. It is a narrow and limiting view of life that accepts, sometimes with conviction, that there exists a single, unified reality in the world for everything, and that we must abide by it. Consensus reality is a fictional creed that often possesses inflexible rules about how to think and how to act. According to this concept, individuals believe that there is one opinion or one path to follow on how to succeed in life, how to love another, how to worship God or what and how to feel, etc.
This way of thinking contributes to increased anxiety over a prolonged period of time and can leave us in a state of fear and ambivalence. This fear and ambivalence could result from spending inordinate amounts of time trying to be perfect or trying to please others. Or, it can cause us to feel oppressed or even constrained by unbending regulations rooted in our self-defeating beliefs. Either way, we become slaves to the external cues, such as what society dictates, to family expectations or religious mandates, etc. In thinking this way, we deprive ourselves from focusing on our internal voice or, better yet, our own reality.
Therefore, exposing the consensus reality construct to someone suffering from anxiety and stress means the following:
The truth is, there is no "consensus reality." In fact, we don't even see reality at all. We only see life through our own personal filter. Therefore, we can change the filter, or we can develop new eyes. So when we finally realize that our thoughts are not necessarily based in a unified reality, we start to understand that there are many different realities and/or possibilities of seeing things, and a whole new world of conscious thinking opens up for us. In time we may begin to comprehend: "I have the power to create my own reality."
Accordingly, if we realize that we do indeed have the power to create our own reality, then we are not a casualty to anyone's criteria of how to be a man or a woman, or any other imposed opinions and/or judgments of us. We are then liberated from the dependence on external cues for validation and acceptance. We are free to develop our own internal evaluating system based on our criteria for being a human being. This very mindset can easily begin the process of reducing the frequency and severity of anxiety symptoms.
The Tyranny of the "Absolutes"
Another excellent way to expose consensus reality thinking and to identify when we are clinging to it is by listening to the "absolute" language we are using. For example, we will use words such as:
These "absolutes," or blanket words, cause us to inadvertently conspire with the notion of the mono-reality I am talking about. The most destructive absolute words of all are "should" and "shouldn't."
Let's think about this. If I say to myself, "I should have known this would happen," or "I should be more productive," I am implying that there is an invisible manual or instruction book floating out there in the ether that dictates how to be a human being. It implies that there are "rules" and I am not getting "it" right, and so I feel guilty. The guilt can subsequently lead to feelings of shame and powerlessness because I am blindly conspiring with the dogmatic nature of consensus reality.
The dangerous "absolute" quality of the "should" also implies that we could potentially have access to a crystal ball that can predict the future or some kind of mind-reading device that can magically reveal what other people are thinking. The word "should" is one of the most irrational words one can use from the English language.
In my practice of treating individuals with anxiety, I have often encouraged my patients to replace the word "should" with the phrase, "I would prefer." For instance, in one of the examples that I gave earlier about thinking, "I should be more productive," one can replace that with a more rational thought like, "I would prefer to be more productive with my life, let's see what I can do to change that." This thought takes the guilt out of the equation and may in fact empower someone to take action instead of remaining passive and feeling like a victim.
Another example of how we unwittingly embrace false consensus reality as if they were factual is the following: If early in my years as a teenager I experience alienation from my peers, and in time I begin to isolate and not feel like I belong, I may fashion a negative opinion about myself that I am inadequate or worthless. This may lead to formulate other negative beliefs about myself that gradually become factual, or the rock-bottom data I mentioned earlier. These negative beliefs or cognitive distortions would sound something like, "I will never have friends again," or "I will always be alone."
Consequently, I will unknowingly begin to write a story written in indelible ink, based on the cognitive distortion that "I don't belong." Years may pass, and I continue to cling to this story, not ever realizing that I made it up or that it's simply a falsehood I naively adhere to. Then, I ultimately begin to mold an inner core consensus reality -- an unyielding conclusion about who I truly am, which is perhaps something very irrational, like, "I will always be an inferior human being."
Even rock musician John Mayer got it right about challenging consensus reality when he wrote in one of his brilliant songs: "I just found out there's no such thing as the real world, just a lie you've got to rise above."
Tools for Challenging the Notion of Consensus Reality
Ask yourself:
Am I closed off to alternative realities/possibilities and points of view?
Am I focusing on external cues for guidance and validation?
Am I focused on old, self-imposed or family imposed rules about how to live my life?
Am I limiting my experience in life by using absolute words such as "should," "never" and "always"?
Replacement Thoughts: The 5-Minute Rule
Take five minutes to respond differently after you identify yourself clinging to the notion of a consensus reality:
Jean Fain, L.I.C.S.W., M.S.W.: Oprah's Life Coach on Achieving Your Goals
I’m God’s most humble poet
Whose poems have meter and rhyme.
Stories of love, faith, hate, honor and duty,
Obedience, war, heroes, history and crime.
I’ve performed my gift on T.V. and radio
Before millions I’ve never met.
Preached my praise of God and country
With 415 poems on the net.
Satan’s soldiers, shepherds and bards
Spew forth their foulness and grief.
They attack the joy and goodness of man
Dishonoring life, family, country and belief.
Prospering through work, love and conviction
Enables us to remain whole and how we should be.
Fortifying our soul with fulfillment of faith
Lets our worst tribulations be shouldered by Thee.
Moses, Samson, David, Solomon and Jonah
All failed God in their own human way.
He chose to forgive them and bless their powers
So they might dwell in hearts of man today.
Without God’s grace, wisdom and glorious domain
There’s no doubt all would soon cease to survive.
Through purpose, morals and Christian conviction
We are able to transform and keep hope alive.
By God’s Poet Tom Zart
Most Published Poet
On The Web
To Read Or Listen To Tom Zart’s Poems Go To =
http://new.pivtr.com/en/schedule/tom-zart/
http://www.veteranstodayforum.com/viewforum.php?f=38
Lord let me be more like Thee
Through challenge, difficulty and demands.
Let life’s trials drive me to my knees
For I’m eager to obey Your commands.
Let me receive Your wisdom, power and strength
To overcome life’s troubles, heartbreak and displeasures.
Teach me the right path that I should follow
To acquire Your grace, forgiveness and treasures.
Allow me to hear Your voice preach to my soul
Which overrules Satins dominance, control and blame.
Let me be more than just a self-centered fool
Free from dishonor, wickedness, hatred and shame.
Lord please prepare me to set Heaven’s example
For all who fail to make it through life on their own.
So they may rejoice and discover Your grace
As the seeds of Your love and understanding are sown.
By Tom Zart
Payer is one of life’s most amazing privileges
Even though it may not always seem that way.
Through Christ we can boldly come before God
As suffering and troubles arise both night and day.
God is never a stranger He knows us inside and out
Being Christian is about how we trust, submit and serve.
How generously we give and how faithful we perform
Will decide what kind of life we live and deserve.
Sometimes we give up depending on prayer
Because it appears God isn’t answering our requests.
When this takes place we’re in danger of spiritual disaster
For God’s words in our heart, always know best.
God wants us to experience true access to Him
No matter how many times we falter and fail.
Every good thing always comes from Heaven above
And by our faith and compliance we rise and prevail.
By God’s Poet Tom Zart
Most Published Poet
On The Web
To Read Or Listen To Tom Zart’s Poems Go To =
http://new.pivtr.com/en/schedule/tom-zart/
http://www.veteranstodayforum.com/viewforum.php?f=38
Lord let me be more like Thee
Through challenge, difficulty and demands.
Let life’s trials drive me to my knees
For I’m eager to obey Your commands.
Let me receive Your wisdom, power and strength
To overcome life’s troubles, heartbreak and displeasures.
Teach me the right path that I should follow
To acquire Your grace, forgiveness and treasures.
Allow me to hear Your voice preach to my soul
Which overrules Satins dominance, control and blame.
Let me be more than just a self-centered fool
Free from dishonor, wickedness, hatred and shame.
Lord please prepare me to set Heaven’s example
For all who fail to make it through life on their own.
So they may rejoice and discover Your grace
As the seeds of Your love and understanding are sown.
By God’s Poet Tom Zart
Most Published Poet
On The Web
To Read Or Listen To Tom Zart’s Poems Go To =
http://new.pivtr.com/en/schedule/tom-zart/
http://www.veteranstodayforum.com/viewforum.php?f=38
It's not how we start it's how we finish
That lets others know how much we care.
We make our mistakes and pray to God
For all His blessings beyond compare.
God and Satan both whisper to every ear
For they know our soul control our passions.
The outcomes of life both joyful and sad
Teach which voice rewards or rations.
All Heaven's heroes except for Jesus
Had to be forgiven for their willingness to stray.
They let God down and paid the price
And their stories still relate today.
By God’s Poet Tom Zart
Most Published Poet
On The Web
To Read Or Listen To Tom Zart’s Poems Go To =
http://newÂÂ.pivtr.coÂmÂ/en/scheÂduÂle/tom-ÂzarÂt/
http://wwwÂÂ.veteransÂtÂodayforuÂm.Âcom/vieÂwfoÂrum.phÂp?f=Â38
We're a nation of frazzled families
With little time for personal affection.
As the treadmills of tension keep us hostage
We're losing our perspective of direction.
Racing to get the kids off to school,
Navigating the madness of bottleneck traffic.
Fearful of our own job-loss and income,
While the newscasts get more hopeless and graphic.
Helping our children with their homework
Scrambling to prepare their dinner.
Having family spats with loved ones
And being told on Sunday, we're a sinner.
Worrying about crime, taxes, cancer and terrorism
Infectious disease and paying next month’s bills.
Saving for college and our own retirement
It's no wonder we drink, smoke, pray and pop pills.
By Tom Zart!
We're a nation of frazzled families
With little time for personal affection.
As the treadmills of tension keep us hostage
We're losing our perspective of direction.
Racing to get the kids off to school,
Navigating the madness of bottleneck traffic.
Fearful of our own job-loss and income,
While the newscasts get more hopeless and graphic.
Helping our children with their homework
Scrambling to prepare their dinner.
Having family spats with loved ones
And being told on Sunday, we're a sinner.
Worrying about crime, taxes, cancer and terrorism
Infectious disease and paying next month’s bills.
Saving for college and our own retirement
It's no wonder we drink, smoke, pray and pop pills.
By God’s Poet Tom Zart
Most Published Poet
On The Web
To Read Or Listen To Tom Zart’s Poems Go To =
http://newÂ.pivtr.comÂ/en/scheduÂle/tom-zarÂt/
http://wwwÂ.veteranstÂodayforum.Âcom/viewfoÂrum.php?f=Â38
Payer is one of life’s most amazing privileges
Even though it may not always seem that way.
Through Christ we can boldly come before God
As suffering and troubles arise both night and day.
God is never a stranger He knows us inside and out
Being Christian is about how we trust, submit and serve.
How generously we give and how faithful we perform
Will decide what kind of life we live and deserve.
Sometimes we give up depending on prayer
Because it appears God isn’t answering our requests.
When this takes place we’re in danger of spiritual disaster
For God’s words in our heart, always know best.
God wants us to experience true access to Him
No matter how many times we falter and fail.
Every good thing always comes from Heaven above
And by our faith and compliance we rise and prevail.
By God’s Poet Tom Zart
Most Published Poet
On The Web
To Read Or Listen To Tom Zart’s Poems Go To =
http://new.pivtr.com/en/schedule/tom-zart/
http://www.veteranstodayforum.com/viewforum.php?f=38
Back to Sociology 101 with you! :)
Nothing ever works out for me.
Nothing is going to help this problem.
Nothing can be done to resolve this.
Nothing in the bank.
Nothing in the job listings.
Nothing means empty and implies it cannot be refilled...
What "More Balanced" and "Realistic" words would you use in place of the "Absolute" shoulds/shouldn'ts in the following time tested and almost universally approved parts of "consensus reality"?
1. Thou shalt not murder.
2. Thou shalt not steal.
3. Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor.
Hmmm?
Really now, before you abolish entire linguistic categories of language and eliminate the preponderance of legal and ethical thought, perhaps you should think a little bit more and do some interdisciplinary research and learning. Your education and experience in therapeutic contexts does give you some authority and credibility, however, you are throwing the baby out with the bath water.
The real question is "How should we use 'should' - and other types of prescriptive and proscriptive language?" Indeed, many, if not most people do misuse and over interpret these categories of language... That doesn't mean that we should abolish those tools for shaping our world; but rather we should learn and develop more mature understandings and uses for what is important and effective language and conceptualization of our world.
Good luck - we expect better from you than this...
2. The bomb from said lunatic to avoid having to kill him?
3. uuummm... I got nothing. but 1 and 2 are pretty solid.