6 Tips For A Healthy, Committed Relationship

Over the many years of treating couples in my private practice, I have used six behavioral directives that help committed relationships last. These directives are of course only effective when both partners are honestly dedicated to the relationship and are willing to change and grow together.

Remember, all couples come to therapy with good intentions. They all desperately want to improve their relationships and make them last. But the only way that happens is when each partner agrees to change their behavior. No behavior change, no growth. No growth means the relationship will suffer over time.

Here are the six tips:

For more by John Tsilimparis, click here.

For more on relationships, click here.

 

 

 

Comments

[MarcEdward]

09:56 AM on 03/12/2012

Commit to finding friends outside the relationship?
I fail to see how that improves anything. Between caring for my wife and kids and watching out for my elderly mom and in-laws, I need a "friend outside the relationship" like I need a hole in my head.

[goldy67]

01:40 PM on 03/10/2012

Very good points on how to get people to get along better. I would guess that you could do all of these and still not address the monotony that comes with long-term monogamy. How bout six tips for that?

[DSevere]

11:45 PM on 03/10/2012

1. watch porn together
2. sex toys!
3. tell each other your deepest darkest sexual fantasies and do them for real

Can't come up with six, but that should hold you for a while...

[RealistBC]

09:06 PM on 03/11/2012

You sound like more fun than my wife, who refuses to even consider these three options.

[MarcEdward]

09:57 AM on 03/12/2012

#3 especially

[wsdave]

10:56 AM on 03/10/2012

My wife and I went to couples therapy for about 6 months. Number 3 on your list is the only one that remotely applied to us.

[Terence Manuel]

10:52 AM on 03/10/2012

I agree with all of these! Excellent piece on how to make a relationship work.

What I noted is all of this advice means stepping away from this over emphasis on self. Too often I keep reading and hearing of how important it is to focus on "me." Wrong!!!

Also, implicit in these suggestions is being able give of yourself and to make some sacrifices, even lowering expectations.

[stilllearning2b]

05:59 AM on 03/10/2012

I like that each tip begins with "I," the only one we can change.
http://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com

[John Shuck]

11:03 PM on 03/09/2012

Buy her a really nice diamond when you can afford it. Go with her and nod and say perfect to whatever she chooses. Gaze at it and declare its beauty. Worked for me.

[mykirbyroo]

07:28 AM on 03/10/2012

And that, dear sir, is part of why you will be loved for the rest of your life. You made me laugh out loud, but you are SO, SO right!!!!! Yes, I'm a woman (63 years old), but I agree with what you said. She loves you because you are a prince among men!!!!!!

[John Shuck]

08:19 AM on 03/10/2012

took 40 years, but I learned....

[John Shuck]

08:20 AM on 03/10/2012

Of course she deserves so much more..

[wsdave]

10:58 AM on 03/10/2012

The diamond worked for you?

I had to buy my wife a vacation house...

[mykirbyroo]

02:32 PM on 03/10/2012

You men are so funny this morning! My husband didn't even buy me a diamond. Our wedding rings came from the pawn shop! We still wear them! Best wishes!

[John Shuck]

07:58 AM on 03/11/2012

Whatever works....

[BookQueen]

09:28 PM on 03/09/2012

Nice article. I wish we could see it on a marriage or relationships page, not the health page.

[Julie Mortenson]

07:42 PM on 03/09/2012

I totally agree. To fix things it takes two. One person doing the work isn't going to make it happen.

[kmc528]

10:37 AM on 03/14/2012

Which is why I finally got out. I'd lowered my expectations so far that all I really expected of him was to breathe, and the relationship STILL wasn't working, because I wasn't living up to his unrealistic expectations. I did everything, and he still wasn't happy. The counselor told me that if I came in alone, the only thing he could do was teach me to live with the situation, and in good conscience, he could not tell me to live with the verbal/emotional abuse from someone who clearly would never be happy no matter what I did.

[nikki717]

06:38 PM on 03/09/2012

I had to stop always wanting to be right. That cut down on a ton of arguments. Compliments and kind words daily are great also.

[RealistBC]

09:08 PM on 03/11/2012

I also had to stop wanting to be right. All it ever led to was more fighting with She Who Is Always Right No Matter What The Facts.

[nikki717]

04:50 AM on 03/12/2012

I know the felling..lol

[GoldenGateCA]

06:11 PM on 03/09/2012

John - Nice job on the article. I especially liked the one in #3 about "cleaning your side of the street." For years I have known that if you want to change someone else's behavior you should start with changing your own. This has lots of benefits and it really works. I know MANY divorced people who years later still blame the other person for EVERYTHING. Its almost like a defense mechanism - they are denying their role in the collapse of the relationship. I suspect at some level they know exactly what they contributed to the problem, but can't acknowledge it.

[mdunham131]

04:30 PM on 03/09/2012

We are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary -Tip #7 - a healthy dose of humor!

[wsdave]

10:59 AM on 03/10/2012

Agreed! My wife laughs at me every time she sees me naked.

[RealistBC]

03:08 PM on 03/10/2012

As long as you laugh back so that it's fair.

[royalty5000]

03:49 PM on 03/09/2012

Sounds good. It's a shame that too many people find those tasks too difficult.

[chiodo08]

03:33 PM on 03/09/2012

nice list but lets not forget THE most important thing and that is TOUCH....nothing is of more of a primal need even over food than touch....and not just erotically...it could be a squeeze on the shoulder when you see tension, a lean while you're watching TV together or a quick warm hug when you wake up...too many studies have proven that people are touch starved...you can feel the relaxing sigh of someone when you just reach out every once in a while....

[kmc528]

10:43 AM on 03/14/2012

Check out Dr. Gary Chapman's "5 Love Languages". Touch is nice, but for me it's Acts of Service -- do the dishes, carry the laundry basket. Actions speak louder than words, probably because I've heard so many empty words in my life.

[MarenS]

01:06 PM on 03/09/2012

I really liked the two about assertive communication and acknowledging each others blind spots. The blind spot could be something that sometimes requires counseling (like husband married to his work and leaving family second or wife always taking the positive side in conflict when husband wants resolution). This is a tough one and is dependent on good conflict resolution. I think what in the end keeps people together is the amount of marriage autonomy that the couple decides on - to not allow outside forces to cause conflict inside their marriage. Easy to say, very hard to do.

[avesely]

12:41 PM on 03/09/2012

#7 - Try a couple of wedding rings and a lifetime vow. Just saying...

[RealistBC]

04:27 PM on 03/09/2012

Doesn't work for everyone or the divorce rate would be much lower. Just saying...

[avesely]

06:39 PM on 03/09/2012

Of course not, but I venture it works far more often than WITHOUT the nuptials.

Them rings are very powerful.

[blarneydude]

05:43 PM on 03/09/2012

Many couples do.

You see the results.