Why Chicago Is So Fat

I recently moved back to Chicago after spending three years in New York City. And there's one thing I've noticed in particular about this city.

It's bigger than I remember.

Chicago has long held a reputation as one of America's, shall we say, "less healthy" cities. But be honest. The reputation isn't completely undeserved.

The city recently ranked 20th on Men's Fitness' annual survey of fattest cities. I guess 20th wouldn't be so bad ... if America had twenty cities. But hey, at least we didn't make the Top Ten. Now that would have been embarrassing.

My perspective has obviously been skewed over the past three years, living in New York, the urban equivalent of a fully-equipped health club. You find yourself walking a lot in Manhattan because a) everything seems to be within walking distance and b) there's always something to look at. Two miles suddenly seems easily navigable with such captivating scenery, like elaborate window shop displays, street vendors, and billboards galore. I used to get excited just to walk out of my apartment. Who knew what I would see that day?

Chicago's urban vista, on the other hand, needs some major improvement. It's not as easy to get pumped about traversing our city streets here. I'm not exactly rushing out to see the giant, terrifying toad sitting atop the Rainforest Cafe on Clark every morning.

Of course, it can't just be Chicagoans' sedentary lifestyles. To be this visually unappealing takes work. That means eating and drinking plenty of horrible things.

When it comes to food, I'm not sure any city in the world has more variety than New York. By the same token, I'm not sure any city in the world has more - just plain more - than Chicago.

I recently went to a great Italian restaurant in Lincoln Park, and my dinner could have served least four other sensible, fit human beings. I actually asked my waiter if anyone had ever finished an entire meal there.

I never once took home a doggy bag in New York. But if I had taken my heaping portions of spinach ribbon grilled chicken pasta home to my dog that night, even she would have given me that look that says, "You're kidding me, right buddy? I can't finish this, and I'm a dog!"

Point being, New York has hundreds of world-class restaurants, a city with true taste. Chicago also has taste ... Taste of Chicago, a greasy, deep-fried, artery-clogging, gut-busting, two-week calorie orgy.

I attended my first Taste last month, and I have to admit, I didn't really get it. Dozens of food tents serving thousands of pounds of food to millions of residents, most of whom looked like they could stand to skip a Taste or two.

But this wasn't just any food. There was exotic cuisine found from all over the ... city. Local vendors had come all the way from ... the North Side ... and South Side ... and suburbs, all in hopes of peddling their tiny, easily-accessible-at-many-convenient-locations-across-the-Chicagoland-area samples. Sure, I had eaten at Harold's Chicken before, but Harold's Chicken Store #13? And it's not like I can just buy Eli's Cheesecake at my local Jewel or anything, right?

Connie's Pizza, Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ, and Gold Coast Dogs all in one magical place?! Who could have dreamed up such a dinner? And more importantly, who would want to?

But food isn't the only thing this city does unhealthy. I'm convinced that Chicago drinks more beer than any other major metropolitan city. But it's not just the beer that's unhealthy. One restaurant here now offers a Bloody Mary featuring bacon-infused vodka, maple syrup, and German-smoked beer - with a bacon garnish, like a cherry in your whiskey sour.

And right here on this very site, Fred Armisen recently mentioned Vosges' chocolate bars made of bacon. You know, I like bacon. I like it a lot. I'll take bacon in my salads, with my eggs, and on my sandwiches. But apparently, the city of Chicago has risen to the challenge and answered the call, discovering new, disturbing ways to make bacon even fattier and less healthy for you.

So don't get me wrong. I love Chicago. After all, I moved back here. And I love Chicagoans. Sometimes I just wish there was a little less of them to love.

Comments

[EricCunningham84]

You should make a movie on this. Supersize Me meets Ferris Bueller.