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Jolie Jenkins
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Jolie Jenkins is an actress whose recent roles include a toothless, tattoo-sporting white-supremacist and Tony Shaloub's bikini-loving girlfriend. She writes about new motherhood, delicious recipes and ridiculous Hollywood adventures on her blog Joeycake. She’s currently trying (unsuccessfully) to teach her toddler son that nipples are not a finger food.

Entries by Jolie Jenkins

Haiku for Moms of Small Children

(0) Comments | Posted April 11, 2016 | 11:20 AM

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Hey, nice to meet you!
Check out these recent photos
As I have no shame

--

Coffee, coffee stat
Microwaving steadily
Until wine o'clock

--

Head-sniffing is a
Perfectly decent pastime
...

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6 Pieces of Game-Changing Advice for New Moms

(0) Comments | Posted October 13, 2015 | 7:48 PM

Congratulations on being a new mom! Isn't it a cherished miracle? And yet the most harrowing and painstaking thing you've ever done? Aren't you more tired and overwhelmed than you ever thought possible while simultaneously feeling convinced your heart will explode from the crazy love? With this extreme emotional flux,...

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How to Take Your Infant for a Stroll (in 70 Easy Steps)

(2) Comments | Posted August 24, 2015 | 9:53 PM

  1. Get brilliant idea to take a stroller walk
  2. Hoist 20-pound wiggly baby up two flights of stairs to change its diaper and clothes
  3. Wrestle with wiggly baby for several minutes to do so
  4. Particularly struggle with pants
  5. Decide that babies look cuter with no pants
  6. Lure baby into playing with...
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An Open Letter to My Pregnancy Body Pillow

(0) Comments | Posted October 29, 2014 | 5:41 PM

Dear Pregnancy Body Pillow,

We had a rocky start. You were a hand-me-down, a second-class-citizen, cast aside by a good friend with a newborn. She was eager to return to belly-sleeping, so you got the swift boot. I was a skeptic, set in my pre-pregnancy sleep ways, but I had...

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The Self-Administered Bikini Wax Is A Huge Rip-Off! (Don't Try This at Home)

(0) Comments | Posted October 1, 2014 | 11:29 AM

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I have a pair of strappy sandals that to put on requires a contortionist's skill. It involves sitting down, bending over, hinging a knee sideways and pulling an extreme foot-flex move, all the while straining my optic nerves to see beyond their peripheral...

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Chinese Foot Massage 101: It'll Knock You Off Your Feet

(0) Comments | Posted April 24, 2014 | 2:21 PM

I must be a glutton for punishment. Not only do I frequent the Korean Spa, I often spring for cheap, sub-par treatments at Chinese Foot Massage places. While I'm lying there suffering, I wonder why I had amnesia concerning the torture I endured the last time around. Probably...

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How My Fifth-Grade Self Helped Me on My Fertility Quest

(0) Comments | Posted April 1, 2014 | 4:17 PM

One night while my husband and I were watching the Olympics, my memory was jogged by the name of a Chinese ski jumper. I had all but forgotten that in the fifth grade, I was cast as the title role in Ah Wing Fu and the Golden Dragon, a children's...

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Quiz: Which Time-Sucking Yet Irresistible Internet Article Are You?

(0) Comments | Posted March 24, 2014 | 11:01 AM

Shirk your responsibilities and answer these questions to find out!


Your greatest fear is:

a.) getting stroke-face from bad Botox
b.) choking on sawdust
c.) that all your friends Argon
d.) the your/you're atrocity
e.) people thinking you're normal

For a good time...

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How to Juice-Cleanse Like a Motherf*cking Champ

(0) Comments | Posted January 3, 2014 | 12:43 PM

  • The cardinal rule of juice-cleansing: Talk about nothing else to anyone who will listen. Discussing your juicing actually helps detoxification, as many impurities are released via the vocal cords. Possible topics include: Ugh, I'm Cleansing! and I've Already Pooped Three Times Today!
  • Purchase enough juice that when it's placed in...
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How To Break Into the Glamorous World of Commercial Acting

(2) Comments | Posted December 6, 2013 | 6:54 PM

Ready to make hundreds of thousands of dollars the easy way? And be fast-forwarded on DVRs across America? Enjoy an exciting career acting in TV commercials. Since you already know how to act (who doesn't?) and you've secured an agent (easy-peasy!) here's some of the nitty-gritty to get you rolling:

...
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Korean Spa 101: Therein Lies the Rub

(3) Comments | Posted November 25, 2013 | 8:44 AM

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Welcome to the Korean Spa! As someone who knows the ropes, allow me to walk you through a few important things about your visit (after you pay up front as required):

Most importantly (maybe I should have told you this before you paid):...

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