The following is taken from the soon-to-be published (hopefully anyway) humor book Ho Ho Hoax! written by Jon Chattman and Rich Tarantino.
It all started in mid-1800s Great Britain and it hasn't let up since: the flowers, the bottomless chocolates, and the diamonds (or cubic zirconia depending on your budget.) It's a "holiday" for cheesy cards that either say what you want to say but can't or say what you think your significant other wants to hear, jacked-up restaurant prices, and excruciating movie marathons that usually star Kate Hudson. Oh, and don't get me started on that star-studded turd of a movie directed by Garry Marshall. Yep, it's Valentine's Day, a fake holiday arguably created for saps to make their spouses feel guilty. Sans a Victoria's Secret purchase or two, it's hell for most men. But it doesn't have to be. I've crunched the numbers (whatever that means), and it is actually quite possible for both genders to enjoy the pink, red, candy-soaked day. Think of the following as an example of holiday counter programming (hey, it works in Hollywood).
Dudes, send your arm candy to see 50 Shades of Grey with their gal pals, and stay home running miles on the WWE Network or YouTube. That's right, you're about to celebrate the man-cave equivalent of the Hallmark holiday by staying home watching endless clips of a true original with a mullet from the Gods and a bod from the booze. Yep, today is the inaugural Greg "The Hammer" Valentine's Day. (I should note this holiday isn't simply for the heteros - it can be enjoyed by any gender who simply want a breather from the real V-Day.)
The 1980s were peppered with dynamic grapplers who could win our hearts with a simple leg drop or a "cheap pop" on the mic but one star, in particular, got our mojo rising. GV was the epitome of cool and looked like one of us. He didn't care so much about his hair (well, not until he partnered later with The Honky Tonk Man), his body (his potbelly was a thing of beauty), and simply just seemed like a cool dude to take on a bar crawl. While the WWE Hall of Famer never reached World Wrestling Federation ice cream bar status, the Seattle native held more gold than Mr. T's neck including the coveted WWF Intercontinental Championship and the NWA United States Heavyweight Championship. So let's celebrate his accomplishments today...
On GHV-Day, men are allowed to lounge around on their couch with a foam finger of their choosing (Valentine never had one), and essentially take the afternoon off before they share the real V-Day later that night with their loved one and said pricey restaurant. So take a load off, fellas. Watch some killer footage, impersonate your favorite wrestler from back in the day and hey, maybe cut your hair a la former Valentine tag-team mate Brutus Beefcake. Pamper yourself with Slim Jims like Randy Savage used to whore out back in the day, and make this afternoon all about you and the squared circle. And hey, who knows maybe all the respective alone time will ignite fireworks for you and your loved ones come nighttime. Does absence make the heart grow fonder? Did Greg Valentine drop the perfect elbow? Yes and yes.
And who knows, with the afternoon off from each other, maybe Cupid will strike each of you all night long after a romantic evening of lovey-dovey festivities. Or, at the very least, introducing the figure-four leg lock in the bedroom tonight will at least have some context. Hugs, kisses, and hammer time! xoxo
About A-Sides with Jon Chattman:
Jon Chattman's pop and music series features celebrities and artists (established or not) from all genres of music performing a track, and discussing what it means to them. This informal series focuses on the artist making art in a low-threatening, extremely informal (sometime humorous) way. No bells, no whistles -- just the music performed in a random, low-key setting followed by an unrehearsed chat. In an industry where everything often gets overblown and over manufactured, Jon strives for a refreshing change. Artists have included fun., Charli XCX, Imagine Dragons, Alice Cooper, Joe Perry, Gary Clark Jr., American Authors, Echosmith,and many, many more!