THE BLOG
02/19/2013 12:36 pm ET Updated Apr 21, 2013

John Wilkes Booth Exclusive

Last week, the National Geographic Channel aired the premiere of Killing Lincoln. Why it wasn't on the History Channel is anyone's guess although they were in the midst of their mini-series Doomsday Pawnbroker Preppers' Housewives. Be that as it may, I had a chance to catch up with John Wilkes Booth in his dressing room in the afterlife to get his reaction to the Tom Hanks-hosted program.

HP: Thanks for giving us some time. I know you're very much in demand since the Killing Lincoln, premiered last week.

JWB: Yeah, I haven't done as many interviews since my performance in the Cracker Players production of Richard lll at the Mechanicsville center for the performing arts in 1863. Variety called it, "the type of performance that just blows you away." Ironic ain't it?

HP: Um, yeah. Speaking of the deformed King, what do you make of the recent discovery of his body?

JWB: I was surprised he was found under a parking lot. What's a parking lot?

HP: It's where they park...let's move on. What did you think of the docudrama?

JWB: Docudrama? What in tarnation is a docudrama?

HP: A hybrid presentation combining two forms.

JWB: Oh, like a bromance?

HP: Exactly.

JWB: At least it wasn't a biopic. They get everything wrong. I saw one on Stonewall Jackson that claimed he died of a drug overdose.

HP: That was Michael Jackson. A singer. But speaking of accuracy, how much did Killing Lincoln, get right?

JWB: Most of it, but of course they completely whitewashed the involvement of the CIA and the mafia.

HP: But neither of them was around in the 19th century.

JWB: Yeah, right. And we didn't curse or have sex back then either. I'm telling you, I was just a patsy.

HP: Explain.

JWB: As you know, both the CIA and the mob are wholly owned subsidiaries of Halliburton. So, I get a message from Dick Cheney...

HP: Now just a second, Dick Cheney may be old, but...

JWB: But what? Never heard of a pact with the devil? From what I hear, the devil got fucked on that one.

HP: You have my attention.

JWB: So Cheney lets me know in no uncertain terms that the end of a war in which Halliburton is supplying both sides is bad for business and it would be quite beneficial for all concerned if hostilities could be continued. So I figure, I'll whack Abe, chronic alcoholic Andrew Johnson takes the reins, goes on some drunken, misguided jihad against the South and the war would begin anew, and Cheney promised I'd get the lead in Our American Cousin Part 2.

HP: But you plotted to kill Johnson too.

JWB: Nah, That was just a McGuffin. The guy I sent, George Atzerodt was a worse drunk than the Veep. I knew they'd just end up getting hammered together which is what happened.

HP: But it didn't work out. The war didn't continue and you got shot.

JWB: As Cassius says in Act ll scene lll of Julius Caesar: "Excrement happens."

HP: Do you hold a grudge against the Union troops who found and shot you?

JWB: Not at all. Remember there was a $50,000 dollar bounty on me. By killing me, the soldiers were merely acting in a fiscally responsible manner in saving the taxpayers' dollar. I'm all about reducing government expenditure and waste. That's just how I roll.

HP: I have to ask you this before we conclude. What do you think of Obama?

JWB: What about him?

HP: You know, being the first Black president and all.

JWB: Don't shit a shitter.

HP: I'm totally serious.

At this point, Booth leapt from his chair, aimed an imaginary derringer at this reporter, screamed, "sic temper interviewius," and fled, albeit with a noticeable limp.

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