Huffpost Comedy
The Blog

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Jonathan Bernstein Headshot

Mom Always Said I Should Be a Lawyer

Posted: Updated:
Print Article

Bernstein Crisis Management Launches Strategic Litigation Management Group


LOS ANGELES--(SATIREWIRE)-
Bernstein Crisis Management, Inc. announced today that it plans to establish a strategic litigation management group to assist national and international businesses and their managements and boards.

With a number of law firms launching Crisis Management divisions, it made sense to me that we even the playing field a little by adding some quasi-legal clout to our activities," said Jonathan Bernstein, president of Bernstein Crisis Management, Inc. "And I'm confident that we'll be as good with legal matters as attorneys are at offering crisis management advice"

Senior members of the group include former Transportation Security Administration officer Patricia "Pat" Down, bail bond tycoon Guido Ransome, former World Wrestling Federation Commissioner Crater Mess; and Tom Foolery, former senior staff advisor to the House Ethics Committee.

"This team brings decades of experience advising clients on managing high profile governmental, transactional and investigative matters," said Bernstein. "More importantly for our clients, each of these five professionals has had considerable and sometimes painful experience with legal matters and has successfully helped those they served navigate through those issues."

A former stock broker, 7-11 clerk and waste hauler, Ms. Down will provide high-level strategic counsel to corporate and government clients on a broad range of matters including risk identification and prevention, preparedness, response and recovery.

"With every pat-down I've conducted, I've been aware of how a crisis could erupt at any moment," Down said. "I believe in transparency and full compliance with most laws."

Ransome has established a national network of bail bond businesses in a career spanning more than three decades, following his early years on the other side of the bail bond counter. "Hey, if youse in trouble, I'm your man."

After 17 years of serving as the commissioner of the WWF, Mr. Mess understands the importance and challenges of building and protecting a global brand.

"Your name is everything. In fact, your name may be the only thing real about you, so it has to be protected, legally and otherwise. Eventually, if you do that right, people won't even realize what's real and what's not!"

Tom Foolery recently retired from his 25 years of service to the House Ethics Committee, and categorically denies that his own behavior was under review at the time of his retirement.

"If there's a way to lie, cheat or steal, I know about it, and of course will do my utmost to protect our clients from such activity and from themselves."

In response to concerns that his firm might be accused of practicing law without a license," Bernstein commented, "I'd love to give you an appropriate crisis management response, but I have to say 'no comment' on the advice of my attorney."

Bernstein Crisis Management, a 17-year-old international consultancy, has less than 500 employees providing the full range of crisis management services. For actual information on the firm, go to www.bernsteincrisismanagement.com.