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A Case for Unsolicited Duck Pics vs. Unsolicited Dick Pics

06/29/2015 10:41 am ET | Updated Jun 29, 2016
2014 © Harry Yang via Getty Images

Hey guys! Are you struggling to find the right words to text that special lady you met at a bar? Your bros and frat buddies will tell you that in lieu of forming a legible sentence, it's totally acceptable to send her a picture of your penis to let her know that you are indeed a man, and you have one of those.

*winky face* *eggplant emoji*

I'm here to tell you, as your fellow man: it is not acceptable to do this.

Walk with me. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute. She's at brunch telling her roommate about how she was at Jessica's wedding last weekend and the DJ named Ben asked for her number. Her phone goes off; it's a text from the aforementioned DJ. She swipes to unlock. She clicks to open the text. She vomits up her eggs Benedict because she just received a picture of Ben's dick at breakfast.

Why?? Why is this a thing?? Did I miss the meeting where we added a step to the evolution of modern romance? Did we somehow slip "Send her a picture of your penis" in between "Ask for her number" and "Hey, want to grab drinks?'

I can't see how this is a good idea.

Let's put the unsolicited dick pic in a real life equivalent scenario. You see an attractive woman across the bar from you. You walk over, and without any warning you drop your pants and stand there proud, with your hands on your hips, and your manhood exposed. She screams. She pepper-sprays you. The bartender calls the police. The police arrest you for indecent exposure.

That didn't go the way you wanted it to.

Sending a woman an unsolicited dick pic is a coward's move. You aren't impressing her; you're grossing her out, and one could even say assaulting her.

I'd like to offer a solution -- or at the very least an alternative to the unsolicited dick pic. The Unsolicited Duck Pic.

Instead of sending a woman a picture of your manhood, send her a photo of an adorable little duckling. I promise you this is 1,000x more likely to garner an "AWWW" than your penis ever will be.

Let's put the unsolicited DUCK pic in a real life equivalent scenario. You see an attractive woman across the bar from you. You walk over, and you pull out a cute baby duckling. She smiles, she looks at you weird, because you're a grown-ass man in a bar with a baby duckling, but oddly, she finds it endearing.

OK, so it's a broken analogy, but hey, baby ducks are a way better icebreaker than dicks, and you're walking out of there a free man, without pepper-sprayed eyes.

Apply this to texting: send her a picture of a baby duck, OR JUST USE YOUR WORDS -- show her some respect and start talking to her. You're a man, not an animal.

#DucksNotDicks

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