Hi A-Ken (ugh that was stupid can we think of a better nickname?),
How are things? Probably not that good because we're not dating. Haha. Not a joke. I know you probably have a thousand other things you'd rather be doing than reading a letter from an attractive, funny, intelligent, attractive guy. I know you're probably busy being "famous" and "making blockbuster movies" and having "millions of fans," but I thought it would be irresponsible of me not to alert you of our undeniable compatibility.
Did we just take a time machine back to high school? Because I think we have chemistry.
Before you fall too hard for me I suppose I should briefly introducing myself since this is like our first date or something. My name is Jon Savitt. I'm a writer, a famous actor who hasn't been in any movies and isn't famous yet, and the kind of guy who will drive around the block a few times if I'm the first person to arrive at a get together. Oh, and I am your soulmate. Too much too soon? Can I start over?
"Hi, my name is Jon and I am in love with you."
P.S. That's not what I look like now^ that was when I was a kid. Hope that's not confusing.
But you already know everything about me, don't you? You're not fooling me. You see, I've thought about it and here is what I came up with. 1) You either have no idea that I exist, have never read any of my articles, and are still happy with your life, or 2) You are amazing at playing hard to get. Like you're the LeBron James of pretending you aren't obsessed with me. You purposely don't favorite my perfectly average tweets, you just "forget" to talk about me on talk shows, and you've just been pretending to be content with life.
Now, I'm a realist (one of my many qualities) and so I can only assume that the latter is true. But it doesn't have to be this way. It just doesn't! You don't have to bottle up your feelings. Go ahead and text me after you burn your tongue because your coffee was too hot (that's an inside joke we are going to make lol). Feel free to call me just to talk about your day or something less boring. Don't be afraid to snapchat me vague pictures with no context to show off how you look that day.
Roses are red violets are blue should we get married or no?
OK I know what you're thinking..." Wow! I didn't think men like this existed, but is he athletic?"
Well, AK (still not a good nickname) would an athlete win the 7th grade C-team state championship for basketball? Would an athlete be able to run a mile and only have to take two breaks? Would an athlete think about getting a gym membership sometime in the future? That's what I thought.
And it doesn't stop at athletics. Here is a list of some of my other attributes that I thought you'd be interested in:
1. I'm musicaI.
I kind of understand most of the lyrics to "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy.
2. I'm the perfect height.
I'm 5'9'' that means I'm not too short, but I'm also not a giant. I'm not going to be the guy at Coachella who awkwardly stands out in the crowd. People aren't going to be disappointed when they find out I don't play professional basketball. I just feel like it's a win-win for us.
3. I'm considerate.
If we're watching a movie and I want to watch a comedy, but you aren't in the mood to laugh, that's fine! We'll compromise and watch Anchorman 2.
4. I'm up for anything.
I'm just as happy staying in and staring at my phone as I am going out and staring at my phone.
5. I love breakfast for dinner.
It's just a very underrated meal and deserves more respect. Thanks for your support, everyone.
What else are you looking for in a companion? Wealth? Fame? Movie star good looks? Good luck meeting someone who fits those categories.
Look, I'm not asking for you to sit down and watch an entire "Fox News" broadcast with me. I'm just asking for you to date me then eventually get married, have kids, and move to a small private island where we can abandon technology completely and build our own society from scratch.
So, what do you say? You + me + one date (that lasts the rest of our lives)?
Let me know
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