For most guys today, wearing a leotard, blush, and constantly being covered in glitter would get you nothing but ridicule. In the 80s however, it got you fame, fortune, and bras sent to you in the mail. Ready or not, there is evidence that the glory days of the 80s are ready to return.
Head to the beach and you'll be blinded by neon animal print bikinis and dudes in cut-off jean shorts. Step into any mall and you'll find racks of tank tops and wayfarer sunglasses available in every color known to man. Turn on the radio, and you'll hear hypnotizing synth hooks in just about each pop song.
The 80s are coming back, and there's nothing you can do about it.
What has yet to be seen is whether or not the decade's weirdest byproduct, Hair Metal, will reemerge from the depths of rock 'n' roll's netherworld. While the genre has many names - Hair Metal, Glam Metal, Teeth Metal, What-the-Hell-is-He-Wearing Metal - it was all the same ol' situation: grown men, wearing clothes and makeup from the women's department, flailing around stage to lighthearted songs about sex, cars, and strippers.
In the event that Hair Metal returns, dominates radio play, and steals the hearts of innocent women across the planet, you need to be prepared to start your own band and ride the wave of illustrious riches. Here are 11 instructional steps, as taught to us by our Hair Metal forefathers, that are guaranteed to create the greatest rock group in a nostalgic, mesh tank top-wearing world.
Jordan Hart is the author and illustrator of Steel Rainbow: The Legendary Underground Guide to Becoming an '80s Rock Star [Lyons Press, $12.95]. You can follow him on Twitter @Jordan_Hart.
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