As you're well aware, the Super Bowl is this Sunday. That means gluttonous parties are on the horizon, which if successful, will leave you lying shamefully in a dark, empty room contemplating your self-worth after consuming 20,000 calories and a sandwich made out of garlic bread, boneless Buffalo wings and a fistful of Doritos.
Oh yeah, there's a football game scheduled too. But what if you haven't watched a game all year? What if you're secretly looking forward to another talking baby commercial more than the championship? What if you don't even like football?
Revealing any of those thoughts during a Super Bowl party is bound to get you a jar of salsa to the head.
So rather than suffering the embarrassment of asking how many runs have been scored, simply use the guide below to match your personality to the teams playing and give yourself a rooting interest.
Cheer for the Denver Broncos if you like:
A comeback story. Two years ago, Peyton Manning had four neck surgeries. Four. He's basically one hit away from becoming Professor X, yet he made it all the way to the NFL Championship.
The movie Spaceballs. Wes Welker's new concussion-protection helmet is so big that it looks like Dark Helmet is out there running routes.
Pizza from Papa John's.
Horses. According to the internet, the greatest player in franchise history and current executive vice president of football operations, John Elway, bares a striking resemblance to the team mascot.
The city of Omaha. Or anywhere in Nebraska, really.
Reality TV. Wide receiver Eric Decker and his wife Jessie somehow have their own show on E!.
Cheer for the Seattle Seahawks if you like:
Sweethearts (the personality trait, not candy). Russell Wilson may be the most huggable player in NFL history.
RAISING YOUR VOICE, anywhere, at any time. In December, Seattle fans broke the Guinness World Record for loudest crowd noise at a sporting event.
Microsoft products. The Seahawks are owned by Paul Allen, the guy who co-founded Microsoft will Bill Gates.
Telling everyone that you're the best at everything you do, like cornerback Richard Sherman. Example: "Nobody uses PowerPoint clip art like me. Nobody! I run the PowerPoint clip art game!"
Skittles (the candy). Running back Marshawn Lynch tastes the rainbow multiple times a game to settle his stomach. Medical trainers even keep stashes of Skittles with the team medicine.