Having spent decades representing men in divorce, I have encountered all types of newly separated and divorcing fathers, from those licking their wounds after being blindsided with divorce papers to those confident they will know their way around a courtroom better than Lindsay Lohan.
But all these fathers typically have one trait in common: they habitually and dismissively refer to "custody" as a universal term for all things child-related in a divorce.
When most prospective Cordell & Cordell clients come in for a consultation, they know what kind of physical custody they are looking to enjoy with their children. Many though do not realize that physical custody is not the only form of custody.
Whereas physical custody refers to the amount of time each parent is permitted physically with a child, there is also legal custody that covers major decision-making responsibilities affecting the children, including religion, choice of schools, extracurricular activities, health care, etc.
There are basically three possibilities: sole legal custody to Dad, sole legal custody to Mom, or legal custody to Dad and Mom jointly.
The significance of legal custody is that the non-custodial parent -- deemed as the parent who has visitation rights or secondary physical custody of the children -- cannot be cut out of the decision-making process regarding any major issues involving the children.
One of our attorneys at Cordell & Cordell met with a father who was operating under a previous court order where he agreed to let his ex-wife have sole legal custody. When going through the divorce years ago, he thought it was a mere formality that the custodial parent (his ex-wife) would also be given sole legal custody so he didn't give the title a second thought.
Years later, that flippant decision still has rampant ramifications.
His ex-wife, well within her rights to do so as the sole legal custodian, enrolled their child in a parochial school that he could not afford. Not only did he belong to a different religion, he was also required to pay a portion of tuition, which nearly impoverished him.
The father's protest was futile because his ex-wife had sole legal custody granting her the sole authority to dictate major decisions in their child's life.
The importance of legal custody to fathers cannot be overstated. "Non-custodial parent" is practically a synonym for "dad" these days, as fathers comprise almost 83 percent of the nation's non-custodial parents, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.
Joint legal custody does give the non-custodial parent substantially greater leverage than he would otherwise have. By exercising his veto power, Dad can put the brakes on unilateral decisions Mom may be inclined to make respecting major issues.
As a result, if my client is not likely to obtain primary physical custody, I strongly encourage him to seek joint legal custody. In the absence of primary physical custody, joint legal custody becomes an important mechanism to prevent Mom from reducing Dad to a child support provider and occasional weekend babysitter.
Though most divorced dads may not have as much parenting time with their children as moms do, they need to ensure their legal rights as a parent are protected by securing joint legal custody and its requirement to involve both parents in decision making regarding the children.
Follow Joseph E. Cordell on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@DadsDivorce
I would bet they have another thing in common: They expect the courts to treat them in a fair manner.
Heads, she wins. Tails, he loses.
Be a parent, not a friend.
F
Women would face the same challenge, but of course, for the most part they never have to face it, since they get custody 83% of the time in divorce while fathers only get it 8% of the time.
One wonders how the average mother would do as a parent/friend relationship should fathers have custody 83% of the time and mothers only 8%?
Divorce mothers do the same darn thing after divorce... become the kids' friend. Divorce is hell for kids and adults. That is one of the reasons people should not marry or have kids -- not worth the headache and good for the environment too. T
Marry again.
M
There's not a huge difference between marriage and prositution. Both involve the exchange of money and sex.
Marriage is a huge scam and I hope my son never does it.
Actually there is a big difference, in the latter the man get to have sex.
Now we know why there are so many deadbeat dads.
Just my .02 cents
I did countless hours of leg work and can only imagine what my legal bills would have been if I had not done what I had done to help my lawyers but you cant get ANYWHERE without them here in my MA. Good Luck and dont ever give up no matter how hard it gets!!!
I grew up with no money, it's not the most important aspect of life.
I feel for you. I remember my in-law telling me how to boil water, when I was 40!!!
Selfish men who say things like this when they've been married with children for years usually don't realize how much they themselves have changed. Their self awareness seems to move in an inverse proportion to their increasing waistline.
I've got a few questions for these kinds of guys. Do you love your children and does your word on a contract or in a promise means something. "How dare you-you don't know me! , you might say.
Really? What happened to until death us do part? Your children are also in peril from your ever changing definition of love. Their happiness and future well being are at stake. Fix your marriage and your children are more likely to have better outcomes in their own lives. The alternativÂe: continue acting by whims and fleeting emotions and it will only produce inconsisteÂncy that will create more trauma that will affect your subsequent generationÂs. Fix yourself and your marriage now and your children and grandchildÂren will need less "repairs."
Go back to 1972 and enjoy your Iron John retreat.
How is it that she wanted the divorce, but he's responsible for making it a success?
The essential takeaway is that women are never responsible or accountable for any negative consequences, as long as there is a man, living or dead, anywhere in the vicinity.
When are women going to stand up and take accountability for their freely chosen decisions? Isn't being responsible for your actions an inescapable component of freedom? How can you ever hope to be truly equal when you can't say this: "I am the only one in this family who wanted divorce. I got it. I'm happier and healthier. Everyone else isn't." ?
Well?
This cannot be overstated enough. Over the past two years, joint legal custody has saved my butt and given me leverage not only with respect to major decisions, but also minor decisions in my children's lives. From being allowed to attend all doctor, dentist, orthodontist and therapy appointments (in which case I get first-hand information), to being involved with all decisions at school, to determining whether I'm on the hook to pay for private schools, expensive summer camps, gold clinics, tennis lessons, the list goes on. All those decisions become joint and have to be mutually agreed upon. Always seek shared legal and shared physical custody.
Also, always seek the right of first refusal when the other parent is unable to watch a minor child overnight. My ex travels overnight frequently - my children are with their dad on those nights (not left with grandparents, relatives, friends, neighbors or boyfriends). Right of first refusal may not frequently be granted as it might be considered a restriction on her liberty, but I won it and it provides for much needed extra time with my kids and peace of mind.
You sound like a smart good dad.