Men commonly complain that women are treated better in custody matters by courts. Doubtlessly in some courts, this stereotype is accurate.
Judges are human and susceptible to biases, including the antiquated preconception that children of divorce are better off living with their mothers.
So guys cannot afford to fall any further behind when it comes to presenting their case for custody. Since the evaluation process by the judge will encompass all of your behavior, you will want to heed the following list of five common mistakes made by men during child custody battles, compiled with the help of my fellow Cordell & Cordell divorce attorneys.
1. Yelling at your wife: Men are in a distinct position in this society where they are presumed to be dominating and more powerful than women.
That being the case, women are in a position to claim they are afraid of their husband. Whether their fear is authentic or not, the court takes such allegations very seriously. (Read my earlier Huffington Post column on orders of protection being used as tactical nuclear weapons for more on that.)
Do not give your wife any ammunition for the court. Arguments will likely happen. But no matter how difficult it is as you work your way through this intense, emotional rollercoaster ride known as divorce, fight the urge to yell as a way of expressing your point.
2. Moving in with a significant other: Divorce is a difficult time for children. It is hard for them to grasp the idea that their parents' love for each other is over.
This is even more difficult when it becomes clear that their parents have moved on and started dating. Courts are reluctant to expose children to such truths. Judges do not appreciate children being exposed to significant others while a divorce is proceeding.
Until the divorce is final -- and even for a while after -- do not expose the children to a new girlfriend.
3. Criticizing your wife to friends and family: Keep in mind that your friends are likely friends that were shared by both you and your wife at one time. You should expect mutual friends to still talk to your wife. Assume comments you make will get back to her.
Do not waste time criticizing your wife to friends, family, and especially your children. That is easily misinterpreted as parental alienation, which is an act by a parent that tries to obstruct the relationship between a child and the other targeted parent. The two most common forms of alienation that get parents into trouble are criticizing the other parent around the kids and keeping the children from the other parent in any way.
4. Denying telephone contact with mom when the children are with you: Even if you have limited time with your kids, you must allow them to call mom when requested.
In addition, if she calls to check on your children, you need to be polite and allow her to talk to them unless it would cause disruption. Children should feel free to communicate with either parent at any time.
5. Taking the kids out of the area without warning mom in advance: If you have an upcoming vacation planned outside your immediate area, be sure that you have notified their mother before you take the children.
If you leave the area without notifying your wife, it may appear you are attempting to kidnap the children. That could result in her obtaining emergency orders restricting or terminating your parenting time. If at all possible, try to notify her in writing two weeks in advance so there will be no confusion when the time comes.
If you behave as though the judge were standing next to you each time you interact with your wife and children, you will certainly avoid the pitfalls that will reduce your custody chances. For additional tips and resources on divorce and child custody, please visit DadsDivorce.com.
Joseph Cordell is the Principal Partner of Cordell & Cordell, a nationwide domestic litigation firm focused on men's family law matters. Cordell & Cordell also provides a website dedicated to informing men on the divorce process and the challenges they face. Visit dadsdivorce.com for more information.
I don't understand why some parents choose to hate their spouse over their kids. Its so ridiculous.
Nothing reveals true values like getting divorced or winning the lotto
Haha.
The police asked me several times if I wanted to talk about what she did, and I didn't. Maybe we put it on ourselves?
AJ www.solanofamilycourt.com Father's Rights Blog about the Superior Court of Solano County
1 Be a man
(Zorza, Batterer Manipulation and Retaliation: Denial and Complicity in the Family Courts, 2001, Abrams & Greaney, Report of the Gender Bias Study of the Supreme Judicial Court of Massachusetts, 62-63, 1989, APA 1996, p. 40.
Mnookin and Maccoby, "Dividing the child", 1992.
According to the 2010 US Census, mothers get custody of the kids 82.9% of the time, fathers 8% of the time, and relatives/foster homes get the balance.
Court bias against men is well known and actually much worse than most men can comprehend. Even the 8% of the time when men do get custody of the children, it's mostly because the mothers abandon the kids or have major drug/mental illness problems.
I highly recommend that you read: RIPPED OFF, the Seattle Weekly, (Google it) for a behind-the-scenes look at a typical Family Court.
Frankly, fathers are discriminated against in Family Court - to a shocking degree.
Thanks for the post. Good points.
I might add that once a child has grown up with the mom (and the father only sees her/him for the typical four days a month and a few Wednesdays evenings for dinner), that child develops friends/habits/allegiance to the mother and familiar home setting that most dads find hard to overcome. Even though the child may love her father, she will be very reluctant to leave mom, since she's spent 80% of her life there.
And the odds drop even farther for the dad when the mom practices "gate-keeping", or moves to another city or state.
Sad to say, once a divorce occurs, the State and Family Courts do everything they can to drive a wedge between a father and his kids - and everything they can to become the "State Husband" to the wife.
Like I said, I am glad you mentioned the things you did, but it makes me sad. I cannot imagine missing out on the bond I have with my dad (and my mom.) It is just sad. No kid should miss out on those bonds. No parent should be okay with it happening.
My brother's ex made a false child abuse accusation. When her attorney found out that her client had lied to her about it, she got released from the case and his ex had to start over with a new attorney. That little episode greatly increased the legal costs to both of them.
When they finally got their day in court the Judge read her the riot act about false accusations, then gave her everything she wanted including making my brother pay all of her attorney expenses.
We need to change the laws so that true, shared parenting becomes the standard.
Im having a hard time trying to figure out how to be a major part of our sons lives. I am a full time father now. I go to all of their practices, all the games, play with them before its time for bed, do their laundry,try to make their lives non stressful, even though mine is, etc.. How do i go from that to every other weekend? I cant... I really cant. This sucks on so many levels. There are days that i cant stop crying while i am driving to work. I cant handle this.
I will always keep doing what i am doing. I know it will be hard. I will be living over 20 miles away one way. I wont be able to do the over nights during the week. There is no way possible that i will be able to get them home in time for school and me to get to work. But i will try to be there as much as possible. I have had some creative ideas on how to go about not making the kids lives so disruptive. But she has to agree on it. She would have to be equally involved. And i dont see that happening. The only thing it will do is show that i am only looking for the peace and tranquilty for our kids. I will be trying to make their lives comfortable. It will also show she that she is only out for herself and the money involved if she doesnt agree.
My life will always be secondary to theirs. Until the day i die, it will always be this way. I wish i could raise them alone. I wouldnt take a dime from her. I really wouldnt. I know i could do this. Heck im just about doing it now. This hurts so bad.
If you want to be in your sons lives with more frequent visitation, there are several ways you can do this. For instance, live in close proximity to the mothers home - if the kids are able to stay in the same neighborhood, go to the same school and play with the same friends while staying at your place, the more likely it is you'll be able to get a 50/50 physical custody share (one week on/off or a 2-2-5 schedule, etc.) so long as they are at the appropriate age. They should have their own rooms and accommodations which are similar to those at mom's home.
A father may hurt his case, sure. But it matters not at all most of the time. He will still be permitted to see his kids -- and his kids will be permitted to see him -- only every other weekend for overnights and perhaps once a week for dinner.
One reason is the pervasive, deep-dyed gender bias of judges, social workers, psychologists, guardians, attorneys and virtually everyone else in the divorce business except children and fathers. (Chief among these bigots, of course, are mothers, because if they agree that their children shouldn't lose their fathers, the issue is moot. They practically never do.)
A second reason is financial. Few fathers have $50,000 or so to go to court to seek a custody arrangement that would be in their kids' best interests. They must accept what their former partners offer. And mothers almost never volunteer themselves to move out of the family home and become occasional visitors in their children's lives. Nor do they volunteer to pay their former partner a third or so of their income for the next decade or so.
For almost all fathers, the news that their kids' mother wants divorce means losing their kids. And there is nothing, practically speaking, they can do about it.
And terribly sad too...
1. Do not yell at your husband.
2. Do not move in with your boyfriend.
3. Do not bad mouth your husband to your family and friends.
4. Do not deny telephone contact from your children to your husband.
5. Do not travel with the children without first checking in with your husband.
The feminists would be apoplectic.
Look, most feminists like me just want equal rights, not more rights. Please don't paint us all with the same brush. You'll find that many feminists like me, are fully supportive of fathers rights. I would have LOVED It if my ex had wanted to take his daughter for a visit. Most divorced moms don't have a problem with it -- we need a break from the kids sometimes. Most divorced moms I know had the same problem as I did -- fathers who didn't bother to show up for visitation. I'll make you a deal -- if you promise to call out any of your friends who are neglecting their fatherly duties, I'll read the riot act to any woman I meet who uses her kids as pawns. Fair enough?
I've seen mothers AND fathers want to pay as little support as possible and fight for an equal time share on paper - but consistently fail to show up for visitation.
I've seen mothers AND fathers exaggerate stories of negligence or even abuse to thwart any type of relationship with the other parent.
Sick parents who care little for their children come in any gender.
Agreed. But you will be busy. Women initiated divorces which are opposed by the spouse AND children are nearly 1800 PER DAY. That is 75 women per hour, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
The vast majority of your pejorative and sexist term "dead beat" dads are due to;
Lack of income (average income of $15k per year)
Addiction
Incarceration
Alienation of children