01/07/2008 10:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

A Primary Voter's Guide to the Loser Candidates

Living in Wisconsin, we don't get to have an official say in this year's presidential election until mid-February, which is why candidates aren't falling all over themselves to endorse an alternative biofuel made from the ass fat of morbidly obese dairy farmers.
So, like most of the nation, we're left with the unenviable choice of letting either our brain-dead media select our candidates or the brain-dead residents of Iowa and New Hampshire.

That's hardly fair. After all, what's so special about Iowa and New Hampshire? Why should their ignorant yokels wield so much more influence than our ignorant yokels? (Of course, we don't say "yokels" to insult anyone so much as to convey our nation's utter inbred cluelessness with regard to science, the arts, general knowledge, domestic policy, world geography, personal hygiene, and foreign affairs.)

Really, though, why should we have to accept the predigested pabulum the media and the early-primary states get to serve the rest of us every four years? Why don't we have the option of going utterly starkers and elevating a Wiffle-brained creationist with more revolting secrets than Jeff Dahmer's basement freezer? Our idiotic choices should be considered at least as legitimate as their idiotic choices. Come on, we've hardly even gotten to know the candidates yet.

For instance, did you know there's a Republican candidate named Duncan Hunter? Seriously. We were as surprised as you are. He sounds as fictional as Dennis Kucinich looks. As a public service, then, we offer this thumbnail guide to some of the lesser-known candidates in the hopes that New Hampshire voters will give them a chance, thereby restoring our God-given free choice:

Fred Thompson: Perhaps the best known of the presidential also-rans, he's the actor and former Republican senator who approaches virtually every campaign appearance as if he's channeling the "Time to Make the Donuts" guy.

Mike Gravel: It's tough to get a fair reading on Senator Gravel. He's either really, really crazy or a complete fucking lunatic. Only time will tell.

Ron Paul: He comes off just as crazy as Mike Gravel but is fortunate enough to belong to a party whose favorite candidate literally believes in the Garden of Eden and whose second-favorite candidate thinks it's in Missouri.

Duncan Hunter: According to his official campaign Web site--which gets roughly as many hits these days as your 28-year-old sister's old James Van Der Beek Tribute Page--Hunter has received 100 percent ratings from the Christian Coalition, the Eagle Forum, and National Right to Life, as well as A-plus ratings from the NRA, Americans for Better Immigration, and Warmongering Christian Theocrats Against Secret United Nations Black Helicopters. (As of this writing, you can still contribute to Hunter's campaign via his Web site which, granted, is a little like tipping the violin quintet on the Titanic.)

Bill Richardson: Unfortunately, Richardson has done little to distinguish himself in the voters' minds either from the rest of the Democratic candidates or Saturday Night Live's Horatio Sanz.

Dennis Kucinich: One thing you can say about him is he will not be in the pocket of the special interests--unless you mean literally.