New York Times Headlines Hillary Clinton Is Still Hoping to See

McCain and Obama in Hamilton/Burr-style Duel
GOP hopeful fells Dem nominee; RNC tabs longtime secret Cheney clone in emergency summit.

WAR!
Iowa, Illinois, South Carolina, Alabama, Alaska, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Kansas, Minnesota, Missouri, North Dakota, Utah, Louisiana, Nebraska, Washington, Maine, Maryland, Virginia, Hawaii, Wisconsin, Vermont, District of Columbia and U.S. Virgin Islands secede from Union.

Obama Not U.S. Citizen
Newly declassified documents reveal Dem hopeful born on orbiting Cold War Soviet eugenics satellite. Obama dissolves into space roaches trying to drink inexpensive domestic lager in clumsy W.Va. photo op.

Obama Medical Records Released
Presumptive Dem nominee has same rare mutated strain of chlamydia as Al Sharpton, Cindy McCain.

Obama Foreign Policy Gaffe Could Imperil Nomination
In first major meeting with world leaders, candidate says British prime minister looks like "a cross between haggis and Golda Meir's vagina."

Campaign Insider Gives Scoop on Obama's Bowling Debacle
Low score the result of hatred of white people and their idiotic, lowbrow traditions, says Axelrod.

Obama Campaign Claims "Scabby, Rotting-Crotched Space Whore" Comment Taken Out of Context

Barack Springs Colossal Woody in Interview with Larry King

Obama a Bush!
Candidate the result of secret summer Babs/Farrakhan Kennebunkport tryst.