God's Plan for America (As Revealed to Todd Palin After Several Busch Light 40-Ouncers)

1776: America is founded on CHRISTIANITY! Also, some "consent of the governed" shit. Eat it, King George! Let's also put "all men are created equal" in there, just for shits. (We can do something good for the blacks later. O.J. gets off? Just spitballin' here.)

1783: War ends. Treaty of Paris. Too French-sounding? Heck, let's throw those fags a bone. They suck balls anyway.

1787: Constitution drafted! Guns and free speech, baby! Paves way for Ted Nugent. I like it.

1804: Meriwether Lewis and William Clark. With help of savvy, redoubtable Native American guide Sacagawea, totally gay-sounding expedition opens up frontier to Pacific Ocean.

1812: War of 1812. Not really sure what this is about. Stupid name? Fuck it, it's late.

1861-65: Civil War or some bullshit. Let's free the blacks here. It's time. Kill off Lincoln? Choke on pretzel? Maybe not dramatic enough. But I like it. Use it later for more awesome president.

1867: America buys Alaska for dirt cheap and gets all the fuckin' oil, 'cause all other countries are fuckin' pussies.

1929: Stock market crash. Why? Because I like old-timey hobo ballads. Shut the fuck up!

1941: Attack on Pearl Harbor. America, this is what you get for electing a New York elitist Democrat with a Jew-sounding name. DON'T FUCKING TEST ME, BITCHES!

1959: Alaska made 49th state. Suck my ballsack, Hawaii! Go worship a fucking pineapple or some shit.

1964: Sarah Palin born in Idaho, which is also a kick-ass state, but not as fucking awesome as Alaska. I'll make her totally fucking hot, too, 'cause I'm frickin' Yahweh. That's my name, don't wear it out. (Second commandment. Look it up, ignoramuses.)

1971: Jeff Gordon born.

1974: Nixon resigns, averting totally bullshit constitutional crisis. Can't be helped.

1975: America wins Vietnam War by final score of 1,176,000 to 58,000.

1979: Carter puts old, horse-faced hag on coin. Can't tell it from a quarter, can't jerk off to it. Fucking useless. I will make him pay for this shit.

1980: REAGAN, motherfuckers!

1991: Gulf War. Another blowout! Yahweh: About 10 million. Allah: 0.

2006: Sarah Palin elected Alaska governor. Jesus is warming up his Harley, a-holes! Fuck, it's really happening. Fuuuuuck!

2008: Sarah Palin is McCain's running mate! Man, she's hotter than Pam Anderson and smarter than Denise Richards in that one James Bond flick.

2009: McCain goes tits up. Official cause of death? How about, "Being John McCain"? Do I really need to explain this shit? It doesn't matter. Sarah is sworn in.

2010: Sarah sends all those Muslim motherfuckers a copy of the Book of Revelation, otherwise known as "The Game Plan."

2012: Rapture Time! Sit back, pop open a cold one with Christ and his carpenter buddies, and watch hell fill up faster than Bristol's uterus. It's gonna be a fuckin' insane party.