Oh, the folks at Fox News are a witty group. They somehow manage to combine Aryan good looks with the comedic sensibility of a Rush Limbaugh...or maybe Gallagher's brother.
You see, the kids over at Fox News refer to the Stimulus Bill as a "Spendulus Bill." Get it? Because it involves a lot of spending. Hilarious, right? We'll wait while you hold your side, Sally Jo. But just in case you don't get the joke, they repeat it over and over. On February 10, it was the lead story on FoxNews.com: "Senate OKs 'Spendulus' Bill." And just in case you didn't catch it there, two headlines down: "'Spendulus' Debate on Senate Floor: WATCH LIVE." And further down the page: "Will Americans Block the 'Spendulus' Plan Before It's Too Late?"
Ah, yes. Pray tell, how do lesser men breathe in the rarefied air of the Fox newsroom? It's as if the Algonquin Roundtable traveled through time, was gradually replaced by members of your community college's introduction to creative writing class, and started meeting on alternate Tuesdays at Arby's.
Now, there are obviously quite a few insipid twits writing copy over at Fox News and, yes, a lot of them seem to have access to the teleprompters, but is this what it's come to? Coulterisms? And while the network's flair for comedy was more than exposed in the criminally unfunny 1/2 Hour News Hour and the even less humorous late-night show Red Eye, do they really need to crib from Limbaugh and Michelle Malkin?
But maybe this is just more of that good old-fashioned straight shootin' we've come to expect from Fox News. CNN and MSNBC never refer to the current stimulus package as a "Spendulus" Bill. Those damn liberals--always spinning.
Please Call Your First Sexpert to the Stand
Fox News has finally addressed the issue of "persistent genital arousal disorder" or PGAD (which we always thought had something to do with gay grandparents). In a piece titled, "FOXSexpert: The Never-Ending Orgasm," we learned that this condition "might sound like a dream come true" but it's really "an absolute nightmare."
The odd thing is that on Foxnews.com, the piece is accompanied by a picture of the writer, Fox sex correspondent Yvonne K. Fulbright, showing cleavage and coyly biting the tip of her eyeglasses. Dr. Fulbright explains, "Attempts at relief include self-pleasuring or having sex with a partner. Yet these sexual activities provide only temporary relief or actually exacerbate the problem."
The same could be said for being an O'Reilly intern.
All we can say is, for being the nation's No. 1 "conservative" network, Fox sure has a knack for mixing its hard news with soft-core porn. It's as if National Review began running the rejected Penthouse Forum letters of William F. Buckley Jr.
Who's the Loser Now, Chia Head?
Donald Trump was a supporter of John McCain back when an old man with horrible taste in women could still dream of being elected leader of the free world. We saw a lot of him back then. He paraded around on The Factor and Hannity & Colmes and every other show that would book him to discuss the real estate market, politics, and Rosie O'Donnell's waistline. Well, it turns out Trump could now use a loan from the former daytime talk show host.
Back in December of '07 when the Trump-O'Donnell feud was blistering, his stock (TRMP) was at 22.37 a share. By January of last year, it was down to 3.03 a share. And now it hovers around 25 cents a share.
Now change has come to more than just Washington. Suddenly the Donald is all about Obama, telling Greta Van Susteren, "We have a young, vibrant, smart president who, I think, is going to do a really good job" and "is going about things the right way."
That's right, Donald. Kiss up now while you can still try to negotiate some of your overleveraged assets. The man needs a bailout more than his nightly Enzyte smoothie.
That being said, we can't wait to see Joan Rivers go postal on the new season of Celebrity Apprentice.
Hey, There's a Dating Site for Sean Hannity Fans. Seriously.
Are you an angry white man who browbeats and verbally harangues his friends and family, loves guns and theocracy, is still holding out hope that a porno of Barack Obama will one day surface clearly showing the president's Kenyan birth certificate stuck to Bill Ayers' sweaty forehead, and is inexplicably alone for Valentine's Day?
Well, then you're a prime candidate for Hannidate!
Over at Sean Hannity's online fiefdom, hannity.com, you can find anything a fearful, disaffected, right-wing sex machine would need, including the ephemeral hope of a love you don't have to purchase with leftover freeze-dried food and surplus ammunition from your halcyon Michigan Militia days.
Here's how hannity.com's Web toady describes Hannidate:
"Hannidate--The place where people of like conservative minds can come together to meet. Whether you are looking for a life partner, or just someone to hang out with, here you'll be able to find exactly who you are looking for, locally or around the world."
Hmmm--"or around the world." In other words, you get access to roughly the same database as members of russianbrides.com but at a fraction of the price.
Now, Hannity is clearly not King Crazybritches over at Fox. That honor undeniably goes to Bill O'Reilly. Combining the recessive crazy alleles of two Bill O'Reilly fans would no doubt lead to a dangerously unstable genome that might herald the rise of a distinct species of unhinged sociopaths that could very well imperil civilization itself, and we urge all world governments and the UN to take appropriate and immediate measures to prevent this.
But if Hannity's not nuts himself, at the very least he's manufactured at a facility that processes them. His male viewers are paranoid, angry, rabid, wild-eyed fans-o'-fetus who desperately need love. His female viewers? Well, they don't exist now, do they? (And, yes, we do realize Ann Coulter watches the program.)
So sign up for Hannidate now! It's never too late to find that special someone who continually parrots banal reactionary jargon and looks unsettlingly like one of Ronald Reagan's old colonoscopy videos.