Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain
As longtime observers of Bill O'Reilly, we choose to regard the man with the unjaundiced eye, impassive reason, and evenhanded solemnity of an ancient Athenian stoic.
With that in mind, here's what the Pope of Crazyville had to say last week:
... gas prices dropped 35 cents over the past two weeks. We put pressure on these oil companies, American oil companies, other people did and they're comin' down. So that's good news for you.
Now, we've watched this guy for a long, long time, and we can assure you of one thing: However insane you happen to think Bill O'Reilly is, you are almost certainly about three saddlebags of hickory nuts short in your assessment.
You see, most people invariably underestimate Bill's cakehole-frothing insanity because they tend to see him in his more lucid moments, such as when he's shrieking like a syphilitic vervet monkey at Inside Edition employees or telling junior female producers that he'd like to force wine into their arms intravenously.
But the above quote, where he meekly takes credit for a major shift in world commodities markets, comes from Bill's The Radio Factor, which no one but us and the confused old woman in Ohio who tunes in twice a week because she thinks he's Red Skelton really listens to.
Now, maybe Bill O'Reilly does control global commodities exchanges more than we realized, and so perhaps this trenchant bit of market analysis is actually spot on, but it's equally as likely that somewhere David Berkowitz is placing his weekly call to Westwood One to ask why the f*&# he doesn't have a show yet.
That said, here's a short list of things we believe probably had more influence on the falling price of oil than Bill O'Reilly calling out the oil companies:
• Consumer demand drops in the wake of global economic meltdown.
• Forced to meet margin calls, investors -- including several large, highly leveraged hedge funds -- are forced to liquidate their positions in numerous commodities, including oil.
• Pineapple Express is released to budget theaters, exposing Ed Begley Jr. and his electric car to a new generation of cash-strapped stoners.
• Steven Bochco confesses that Cop Rock maybe wasn't the greatest idea he's ever had, sending shockwaves through the markets.
• Moira Kelly nails her audition for The Cutting Edge IV.
• The Salt Lake City 97.1 KZHT Morning Zoo crew puts pressure on the oil companies to lower prices.
• A butterfly flaps its wings in Kuala Lumpur.
Who Let the Blacks Out?
While the black cat remains a dread omen among the dwindling ranks of the superstitious and uneducated this time of year, Fox News seems more interested in shifting the fears of the enduring ranks of American dumbf*%ks away from the iconic Halloween symbol and onto the ominous black voter.
In yet another segment on early voting on America's Election HQ this week, seven pieces of video were shown. They consisted of: a black woman at a polling booth, a black woman handing in her registration information and getting her ballot, a long camera pan shot of dozens of black people waiting to vote, a shot of another set of six black people at polling booths, a shot of a middle-aged black woman at a polling booth, a shot of a younger black woman at a polling booth, and finally a shot of another couple dozen people waiting to go into the polling place (only two of whom were white).
And as if this red flag weren't already as bright as the shoe-bombing pin on Obama's madrassa letterman's sweater, Fox News anchor Gregg Jarrett chimed in:
"Interesting. You know, I mean, the law still allows it. It still seems to me, it's just me, like it's a jury voting to convict or acquit before all the evidence is in. 'Cause there's still nine days left. But that's just me."
Someone please explain to Gregg that this isn't the O.J. trial.
Breaking: Former Survivor Contestant Endorses John McCain
After the embarrassment of Neiman-Marcus-gate, Sarah Palin took it upon herself to reconnect with Middle America. How? By hitting the road with someone everyone could relate to: a multimillionaire daytime talk show co-host and wife of a former professional football player. Finally, someone who understands the plight of the middle class. Who was it who said Elisabeth Hasselbeck is the Alan Colmes of the right?
Groucho, Harpo and Karl
In the aftermath of WFTV Florida anchor Barbara West's now famous "How is Senator Obama not being a Marxist...?" question to Joe Biden, the Obama campaign has told the station to take a flying leap and has cut off future interviews. (This, of course, is not unlike the leap the McCain campaign told CNN to take after Campbell Brown pressed McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds on Sarah Palin's nonexistent foreign policy experience.)
While many journalists have criticized the unprofessional line of questioning, the McCain camp most likely feels West dropped the ball by not leading with "How is Senator Obama not being an Islamofascist terrorist ...?"