Most divorcing parents' greatest fear is the effect it will have on their children. These fears have their origin in a time when divorce was a rare event. Fifty years ago, children from divorced parents were commonly described as coming from "broken homes," and they had to live with the stigma that such a phrase implies. To compound matters, early research on the effects of divorce--which got a lot of attention because it was news--reinforced the notion that virtually all children were negatively affected, and for their entire lives.
There is no denying that, on the list of stressful life events, divorce ranks high. For children it represents an ongoing crisis that has the potential to turn their lives upside down. That said, it is possible for children not only to survive this crisis, but to emerge from it stronger and happier in the long run.
What We Now Know About Divorce
Early research on the effects of divorce on children, which drew a gloomy picture to say the least, were based on studies with very small sample pools and were limited to what children reported in interviews. More importantly, these studies failed to compare children of divorce to children from so-called "intact" families, to see what if any differences there were between these two groups. For example, are teenagers from divorced families any more moody than teens from two-parent homes?
Fortunately, additional research on children and divorce has emerged. Included are studies that followed large groups of children over a period of years. The data collected by these researchers was based on observational studies and interviews that were conducted at regular intervals, as well as objective personality and academic achievement test scores. Moreover, the researchers were able to compare children whose parents were divorced to children whose parents were not. This research has led to a much clearer and more focused picture of the effects of divorce on children.
What the researchers found was that, three years after separation or divorce, the divorced children were, as a group, more similar to children of intact families than different. In other words, divorce does not invariably lead to psychological, social, legal, or academic problems. At the three-year mark, the majority of children of divorce appear to have weathered the storm, psychologically speaking, and are no different from their non-divorced peers.
As encouraging as these new data are, these same researchers did identify a minority--25 percent--of divorced children who were experiencing significant problems that would need to be addressed if these children were to get back on track, developmentally speaking. These included social, academic, and/or psychological problems.
Three Crucial Years
What parents need to know about divorce and its potential effects on their children are:
· The first three years seem to be crucial. Your child can emerge from the next three years a more resilient, self-confident individual. Your child is perfectly capable of surviving this upheaval, but will likely need some support and guidance along the way.
· There is some risk. Although three out of four children weather the storm of divorce (and may even emerge more resilient), one in four may stumble. Your goal as a parent is not to prevent your child from ever experiencing a crisis--including divorce. During the three crucial years, divorce affects children of different ages in different ways. Toddlers and young children are developing differently and so will react differently to divorce than older children or adolescents. In order to ease a child's transition, parents need to understand the developmental pace of their children, to recognize early signs of trouble, and to know how to intervene.
Critical Developmental Tasks
As a parent facing divorce one of your major fears about divorce no doubt is that it will leave permanent emotional scars on your child (or children). Parents worry that it will lower their children's self esteem, that they will feel unloved, that they will lose motivation to succeed in school, or that their idea of what it's like to have a family will be irrevocably stained. All of these fears are normal and understandable-- but they are not inevitable outcomes of divorce.
In order to provide divorcing parents with a developmental "road map that they can use to understand where the potholes may be and help their children avoid them, I have defined the critical developmental tasks facing children of different ages. Armed with this knowledge, along with information of what to look out for during the three critical years, and how they can successfully intervene if necessary, parents can see to it that their children become the one if four who may be damaged by divorce.
Briefly, these are those key developmental tasks:
Early Childhood
The most important tasks facing children from infancy to age five or so are the development of secure attachments and willingness to explore the world around them. These are related to the extent that secure attachments--to parents and other caretakers--form the foundation that allows for exploration and learning. Divorcing parents who have young children need to be sure that these children are able to form and maintain strong and stable attachments. If divorce stands in the way of this process, a child can effectively "stumble at the starting gate" of life.
Later Childhood
As children grow their primary developmental tasks shift somewhat, so that socialization and literacy become a major focus of their time and efforts. Schools play a major role in this, but so does the family. If divorce seriously disrupts a child's ability to form friendships and establish a place within a peer group, anxiety and withdrawal can be the result. Similarly, some children experience so much stress from divorce--particularly an acrimonious divorce, or one in which they are pressured to choose sides--that they are unable to focus on basic skills like reading. Research shows that children who fall seriously behind in these basic skills can have a hard time catching up and can in turn experience problems such as low self-esteem.
Adolescence
The primary developmental task in the years spanning from the "tween" years through adolescence is the emergence of a personal identity: that sense of:
· Who am I?
· What do I stand for?
· Why am I here (what are my options for the future)?
Once it crystallizes our identity can easily turn our life into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Identity emerges from the teen's relationships: with parents, peers, and other influential adults. If divorcing parents do not allow their divorce to cut off those important relationships a healthy identity can emerge. In contrast, I have seen instances when divorce effectively destroyed a parent-child relationship, with disastrous results.
The above a snapshot of the key issues that divorcing parents to be aware of. Children are hard-wired to face these developmental tasks. To the extent that they can facilitate their child's ability to do that-- and not undermine it--every child has the potential to emerge from divorce a healthy and more resilient individual.
Future blogs will look at each developmental stage in more detail. Or, for more information, see The Divorced Child: Strengthening Your Family through the First Three Years of Separation
Follow Joseph Nowinski, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/NewGrief
Are children invevitably damaged when one parent whom the child has formed an attachment is marginalized or denied access by an overzealous custodial gatekeeper regardless of parental rights but from a child developmental perspective. Basically, do you believe in the view that the child forms a single primary attachment with one parent or the view that the child forms a primary attachment with both parents?
During a divorce both parents are miserable. Usually at least one of them remains that way for years, if not forever.
So not only does the child continues in an unhappy home but the child usually has to deal with the unhappy parent(s) by himself because the other adult isn't there to protect him/her.
Usually at least one parent remarries and, statistically speaking, the chances that the second marriage will last is worse than the first marriage for this parent. Almost always the step parent blames the child for the problems in the marriage.
How does this improve things for the child? I mean, I get it that parents have to divorce for whatever reason but this shouldn't let people off the hook for looking at what really happens.
Articles that seem to state that a decent percentage of children of divorce will be fine or even stronger or more resilient are keen weapons for a parent who has no interest in attending to their child's developmental needs. And of a wife who could care about her husband's needs, do we think she will suddenly start to care about the kids' needs? As far as they can stay out of the counselor's office or special ed department at school. No question: getting their children to that 25% will make the hard work of letting go of resentment and grief look like a walk in the park.
I'd be interested in hearing any novel approaches being taken by states, judges, etc which you were aware of.
Thanks
The interesting point to me is that many propose that the answer to a happy, conflict-free life is to avoid marriage and children period. Yet, as Viktor Frankl taught us, love and family are the sustenance and meaning of life. So, I think the error of our judgement is not that we don't know how to do a happy divorce but that we except conflict-free relationships where our partner satistfies every need and provides us all our little hearts' desires. Adolescent mindset in terms of love and relationships is our bane. Until we leave these teenage dreams behind us and do the hard and long work of marriage (barring real abuse which somehow still needs to be said) and parenting -- most importantly the hard and sacrificing work of parenting -- will we continue to harm our children and our friends and families with our childish demands of what love and relationships should provide.
Studies which ought to be linked to are Elizabeth Marquardt's book, just went blank on the title, "Between Two Worlds?". Also "The Love They Lost" by Stephanie Staal. Both of these writers/researchers are actual Children of Divorce who knew what kinds of questions to ask in the first place. These are very easy to read as well.
As far as happy conflict free life for the parents. You have to realize that parent-child relationships in divorce are completely different from relationships between parent-child in intact families. Often the relationship is much closer and honest. As social life and economic systems reduce they cling to each other in stress. This is often ideal for the parent who sees the child more as a friend, except that the parent is the dominant figure. Then when there is remarriage the child again goes through rejection and betrayal and demotion as he/she loses that closeness with the parent and once again has to adjust. Often there is trade off as once again the finances and social life can once again come into his life. And he has to do this in two different families at once. Amazing how this is ignored.
It is interesting that a divorce-initiating spouse would not show such solicitude for the effects of the disintegrated home on the children before the divorce action is commenced. I take it that as long as the only effect of the divorce on the children is to take the divorcing dad out of the picture (or put his relationship with the children under her control), the divorcing mom is fine. If that doesn't happen, divorcing mom suddenly sees bad effects on the children? That doesn't have much logical consistency.
Children who live with each divorced parent on an equal basis manifest joy and eagerness and have the benefit of knowing/experiencing themselves as loved equally by both divorced parents.
In any event, my experience in divorce litigation teaches me that if a child ever would say what you claim ("I'm tired of having to live in two separate places.") there would be an eager divorcing/divorced mother to carry that input (back in)to the divorce court.
Divorcing moms apparently do not want the children to like equal placement time (and some may even behave in ways that make it challenging for the children and divorcing dads).
But children like equal placement time.
He then took her to court to get 50/50 access to the kids - equal split time to the point he counted each hour of the week. He forced the entire family to go through psychological evaluations. The judge decided that at age 14 the kids could decide for themselves but under 14 they had to do it dad's way. The older boy never spoke to his father again. The younger kids each decided at age 14 to stop visiting him.
The 50/50 arrangement also worked for him because, although he had the career and the rich wife with the indoor swimming pool, he used the arrangement to cut off all child support to his ex wife. He was forced to pay her alimony for one year because she'd been a stay at home, then he was free. The family struggled along in poverty and had to sell the house, but he got his way. None of those kids will ever forgive their dad for what he did to their family. When his daughter got married recently, he wasn't there.
Please take a step back for a moment and look at how the divorce system (and the accompanying dialogue) works in the world of reality.
In the vast majority of cases, divorcing mom is going into the divorce expecting to get primary custody/placement of the children of the divorcing family -- to put divorcing dad out of the picture. And that is what actually happens in most cases.
Why? We know why -- and it isn't because "moms are better than dads" (no psychological science supports that conclusion ... and half of moms and half of dads are below average at parenting).
In no other parts of society is such blatant gender bias countenanced -- only in divorce court, where it gets combined with outdated notions of parental roles and speculation masquerading as applied expertise.
We are a better society than that.
Equality should be presumed in all parts of society, including equal time in the parenting of children of a divorcing family.
Equal unless there is an evidence-based reason for something other than equal.
Equal is what the children want in the vast majority of cases.
A bad/sad story about one case where there was equal placement doesn't change any of that. (There are far more bad/sad stories by children of divorce arising from the more common situation where divorcing mom has successfully pushed the divorcing dad out of the children's lives.)
"Overall, this research paints a positive picture of shared care in terms both of parental satisfactiÂÂon and children’s wellbeing.
Mothers’ reports on how well the arrangemenÂÂts were working did not differ significanÂÂtly between those whose children were in shared care (66% working well) or spent most of their time with them (60.5%).
While the majority of parents report that their children are happy or very happy with the arrangemenÂÂt, the highest proportion is for those in a shared care arrangemenÂÂt with minor differenceÂÂs between mothers and fathers.
Mothers reported that the children are equally happy in shared care and when they spend all (or nearly all) their time with them.
Even some mothers who resisted shared care were sanguine about it in hindsight.
In comparison with arrangemenÂÂts where mothers are the primary carers, children are perceived by their parents to be doing relatively well in shared care where there are no concerns about the safety of the children or violence to the parent.
Overall children in shared care did not report that it was any easier or harder for them to get from place to another or to keep in contact with their friends or that it was more of a problem if they left things behind than it was for children living mostly with one parent."
Children’s and young people’s responses to these fights and arguments were similar to thoseÂ
reported for before the separation, though 39% of respondents (23 of 59) reported that they ‘cried aÂ
lot.’ They also reported running away, calling Kids Helpline, and sitting and watching the fights whileÂ
doing nothing. Qualitative responses supported these actions but included further informationÂ
about how the children reacted to the fights. Three of 22 respondents (13.6%) reported runningÂ
away when the fights began, mainly because ‘I didn’t want to go with my dad’. Three others watchedÂ
the fights without intervening. This seemed to be due to the timing of the fights: ‘fights wereÂ
normally when I was picked up or dropped off from Mum’s’, so children may have been either sittingÂ
in a car at the time or walking into the house. Two of the 22 children (9%) appeared to feel helplessÂ
to do anything about their situation, blaming it on the courts: ‘I told the judge I want my dad but heÂ
won’t listen’; ‘I now know I was forced to go [with Dad] because of the court’. These reports suggestÂ
that children and young people continued to feel helpless after their parents separated. Â
The women spoke of years of their own exhaustion, of their high anxiety levels, ofÂ
their fear and of the longterm psychological problems for their children. As one mother reported, the children don’t sleep well ... they now accept his violence as normal but they are always afraid heÂ
will come over and kill us’. Some three quarters of these women spoke of great fear, in particular that they and or their children would be killed by their former partner. They said things like ‘I fear for my life and for my daughter’s life’, ‘I fear for my daughter’s life’, ‘I live in fear’ and ‘I am surprised every day that we are still alive’. These women spoke of former partners who were extremely violent, who had criminal histories for violence, and who had substance abuse problems. For some women the continued substance abuse meant their male partners drifted away and ceased the connection and for this they were grateful. A typical comment was ‘I now have sole care of my children due to his drug use and consequent absence’. The most difficult position for this group of women was when their children were young, from 0 to 12, for, as the children became older, they responded to the direct abuse of themselves by cutting their ties with their father regardless of court orders and parenting agreements. Â
Real people would be able to control the circumstances they were under. Children appearing to be isolated or alone after their parents split up, are merely being tough! Yeah! They have no repressed feelings or emotions that won't be affiliated the lack of communication and happiness being presented in their formerly bright and cheerful existences!
I mean comon, if children were really being considered, or really had any say in divorce, parents probably wouldn't. Why do you think nobody has cared for so long? If parents want to get divorced, they will, because it's about them. Kids are just another thing they have to declare when they meet with an attorney.
The doctor writing this ad, should just change the title to "Do kids matter at all? 85% of modified and underrepresented statistics say no.'
Are they just handing out doctorates now? Can I find one in a Skill Crane machine or in a Cracker Jack box somewhere? Good god.
At any rate, divorces aren't the ideal situation. They aren't awesome for kids. In some cases, they're not the right thing to do (particularly if not all avenues have been explored to save the marriage). I haven't read everyones comments below, but what I wish they and hte article itself would discuss is that much of childrens ability to survive the divorce process has to do with how well the divorcing couple can put their differences aside and actually "co-parent" their child. If they can't, remain bitter and angry, use the child as a conduit of hate-speak to the other parent, then, yes, troubles are coming. Why aren't people railing against the adults who aren't able to put things aside for the sake of their children rather than railing against divorce in general. Those are the real offenders of children potentials.
Exactly.
Staying together for the sake of the children sounds simple on the surface, but every decision has consequences. If you are in a hateful, loveless, even abusive relationship and you stay in it, that is the example of what marriage is supposed to be like for your child. They absorb this like sponges and are much more likely to repeat that cycle. Why would you want that? Bottom line is that the world is a difficult place. Hurt, pain, betrayal, abuses happen. we all have resentments, "baggage", etc. No way around that. A parent makes 100 decisions every day that affect the well being of their child. Some are more impact than others. Loving parents will make that decision with their children in mind and will be there to help support their child through it. Well, I have to go back to the crane machine and try for my next PhD. I'm hoping for something in Physics or Underwater Basket Weaving instead of the one I have in Marriage and Family Therapy.
http://www.divorcereform.info/index.php/2011061666/Resources-and-Information/talking-points.html
It does serious damage to a lot more than to 15%. That line is blatantly dishonest. Divorce does serious damage to the vast majority of kids who experience it.
Some readers seem to have interpreted this piece as arguing that children actually like divorce--that it's so good for them that more parents should do it. This reminds me of a comment that a client's mother made to her: "If you're going to get a divorce do it before things get really bad." My reply was that, using that logic, we should all get divorced right after we get married. It is rare to find a child or adult who says they liked their parents' divorce (though there are a few). I am not an advocate of divorce--I am an advocate for children. What professionals like me strive to do is to help parents who are divorcing see to it that their child does not become the one in four who suffers serious damage. In a similar vein we strive to help non-divorcing parents of children see to it that their child is not one of the 15% who experience serious problems. The new, better research on the effects of divorce should not be interpreted as advovating divorce but rather as suggesting that divorcing parents need no merely throw up their hands and expect th worst. Thanks to all who commented--even those who strongly disagree. The conversation is what counts.
All you "therapists" who maintain a "divorce neutral" attitude are doing the equivalent of maintaining a neutral attitude on the question of whether or not the earth is flat. It's not ok to be neutral when one outcome is definitely more harmful to children.
You could be striving to try to help parents reconcile to help their children -- and most of the time that would help the children the most. Of course, that would destroy your whole business model.
"Armed with this knowledge, along with information of what to look out for during the three critical years, and how they can successfully intervene if necessary, parents can see to it that their children become the one if four who may be damaged by divorce." - I'm certain this is not what he meant to say. My suspicion is that it should have read: "Armed with this knowledge, ... parents can see to it that their children don't become the one in four who may be damaged by divorce."
Also, "The above a snapshot of the key issues that divorcing parents to be aware of." would make more sense with "is" and "need" added to make a proper sentence.
Should you wish to hire an editor, I'm available...
http://www.nancypeske.com