No one would say that they set out to get into a relationship with an insecure man. However, that's exactly what many women do. In fact, an insecure man can be especially tempting to you, particularly if your last relationship was with a narcissistic man who was all about himself and not so interested in you, or a predatory man who was happy to let you support him. Viewed through the eyes of a woman who has been burned in a one of these relationships, an insecure man may seem sensitive and interested in you. In one way that it true: he is interested in the love you have to offer. But the insecure man can also be a bottomless pit that might just drain you of every drop of love you possess.
Why Insecurity Can Be Appealing
When she first met Adam, Grace thought that he was just shy and quiet. She had no idea that what she was seeing was severe insecurity. Adam was one type of insecure man -- the underachiever. Though he had graduated from college and was employed as an engineer, Adam had never advanced very far. At work he always got evaluations that boiled down to "satisfactory" -- in other words, far short of what was needed to get ahead.
Grace decided to commit to this relationship, after dating Adam for six months, in large part because he pursued her, and also because he came across as wanting the relationship very much. And unlike her previous two boyfriends, Adam at least had a steady job and was faithful to her. So when the lease on the condo that she was renting was up, Grace put her furniture in storage and moved in with Adam.
Six months later, things were far from rosy. It started with Adam finding fault with Grace: from the way she cooked and dressed to the way she spoke and the opinions she expressed. At first, Adam's criticism was fairly mild (though still annoying). As time went on, however, Adam became very sarcastic, saying things like, "Don't you think you've outgrown halter tops?" Then, at times, Adam could get explosively angry, shouting, throwing things, and calling Grace crude, demeaning names. To make matters worse, the more Grace tried to live up to Adam's standards in order to avoid making him angry, the less it seemed to take to get him to the point where he would explode.
Grace had unwittingly let herself become hopelessly entangled in Adam's insecurity and the distorted perceptions it created. It wasn't as if she'd set out to bring out the worst in this insecure man. On the contrary, her sole motivation had been to try to keep the peace. But as with jealousy, once insecurity rears its head, the worst thing a person can do is to feed it. That's what Grace had unintentionally done.
The Insecure Man
Here are some of the key signs of insecurity. All of them were evident in Adam's personality. Grace saw them but initially she chose to minimize how important they were, and what they could mean for her relationship with Adam.
Living with an Insecure Man
You might ask, "Why would anyone want to do that?!" Well, one reason is that insecurity is not an all-or-none thing. Some men, like Adam, are so severely insecure that it might be impossible to have a viable relationship with them. On the other hand, many men are somewhat insecure, but not as insecure as Adam. In that case, the thing to avoid doing is making that insecurity worse. Here are a couple of tips for doing that:
The good news is that insecurity can be overcome. However, it can only be overcome when a person recognizes that they are insecure and takes responsibility for doing something about it.
To learn more see Stop Dating Jerks: The Smart Woman's Guide to Breaking the Pattern and Finding the Love of Your Life.
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Joseph Nowinski, Ph.D.: The Bad Relationship Advice You Can Stop Taking
it is too high maintenance and complicated to walk on eggshells to avoid setting one's partner's insecurity alarm off, and it can do the same to ones own.
as i see it, when toxic gets that loud, it is time to move on.
life too short and too precious to do nasty. and that is not real love
or who does not want to advance all the time at work is not insecure......
everyone is different....some of us don't want to be managers at work....
What about all the insecure women?
What's described here seems to me like classic NPD traits.
Needy, constant reassurance, approval = Narcissistic Supply
Smothering = Control of the Narcissistic Supply
Jealous, suspicious, distrustful = Projection, Projection, Projection
both are self absorbed, both can be highly critical and demanding. The only difference I can see is one feels inferior and the other superior.
But both sides of the same coin no?
Insecurity is only one of the traits.
If someone overcomes insecurity, which only comes with growth and learning, they will naturally take responsibility.
It is the refusal to do so that constitutes a pathology. I think that pathology is more prevalent than most people realize.
But sadly I see more and more claiming they are "growing", "learning" and overcoming "insecurity" and use their "opportunity for growth" as a way to completely avoid any responsibility and be truly selfish. They also claim "victim" when the reality is they're an emotional abuser.
What worked before isn't working for them anymore so they find something new, and call it "growth" instead of really doing the difficult inner work.
It's the individuals, who become involved with this type who wind up on the couch,and at first even believing they're the pathological one. The people with the deeply imbedded character flaws, never get help, nor believe they are in need of any. They don't do the real inner work, that's too painful.
They simply must "follow their path" and keep "growing" even at the expense of others, and if you question them on it, well then, how insecure, selfish and controlling of you.
Living with an insecure man is like living with a petulant child. A child that refuses to grow up. It is so very draining, always trying to be the cheerleader, and continually falling short. The bar just gets higher and higher, in the hope (I guess), that it will somehow fill that deep abyss of needs.
To be fair, I'm sure an insecure woman is no picnic either.
Ugh....never again.
That's considered underachieving?
I wouldn't necessarily associate anger with insecurity. Aren't most people at least a little bit insecure?
I think a sense of fairness and confidence starts very early in life by observing the models that children have in their life, and family dynamics play a big part in forming character. But once on your own, the ability to be honest with ones self is critical to setting your own sail with confidence. You can change yourself but not others, they have to do that, and insecurity is a crutch one must get rid of, not nurture.