The warning signs were always there. But as a civilization, we failed to pay attention. As each terrifying email after terrifying email filled the online dating inboxes of women all over the world, we told ourselves, tomorrow will be better. The good guys will emerge victorious in this epic online battle of good versus evil.
After a decade long struggle of good versus evil in the online world, I'm afraid tomorrow has come, and the bad guys are winning the battle. The serial daters, womanizers, and creeps are growing in numbers, determined to destroy the hopes and dreams of every once hopeful woman in their path.
But don't worry. You have one secret weapon left as we teeter on the verge of an online dating wasteland. I, Joshua Pompey, will serve as your leader in this battle of good versus evil, guiding you in the path of salvation, where like-minded men still dream of better world, filled with happiness, commitment, and bonds that last beyond a one night stand. This guide to online dating guide will serve as your road map through the online dating apocalypse, so guard it with your life.
Online Dating Survival Tip #1: Pack your survival bag
In order to survive online dating physically and mentally, you will want to have the following items prepared for battle:
6 bottles of Aspirin
1 disposable Vomit Bag
1 pair of low impact running shoes
1 burn phone to emergency text yourself out of any bad date
1 can of mace or recording of Justin Bieber
1 private investigator and/or seasons one through three of Catfish on DVD
1 copy of Magic Mike for when times get tough
1 emergency bottle of Nutella for when Magic Mike just isn't enough anymore
Online Dating Survival Tip #2: Do not take on any unnecessary battles
In the online dating apocalypse, your physical and mental strength will be critical to survival. No matter how tempting it will be to fight unnecessary battles or engage with the wrong type of men, save your energy. Some may seem on the surface, but the following men are extremely dangerous and must be avoided at all costs:
Pet Name Guy: Pet name guy refers to you as honey, baby, and darling before you have even met. This is not sweet, its creepy. Do not engage.
Fifty Shades Guy: Fifty Shades guy fills his emails and profile with sexual jokes, comments, innuendos, and finds all penis jokes hilarious. And let's be real, only some penis jokes are hilarious. Avoid!
Compliment Guy: Compliment guy fills emails his emails with excessive and relentless praise. A desperate man may seem nice and innocent, but he also has the potential to be dangerous.
Shirtless Guy: Don't fall under the spell of those dreamy abs. Shirtless guy may be hot, but there is a good chance he has the I.Q. of a Kardashian.
Cliche Guy: Cliche guy makes small talk in emails, writes a short and boring profile, and never makes you laugh. If he can't interest you in the online world, he probably can't interest you face to face either.
Excessive Emoticon Guy: Enough said. :)
Online Dating Survival Tip #3: Become the Hunter and Find Like-Minded Survivors
In the post-apocalyptic world of online dating, you can't just sit around, hoping to be rescued as the bad guys invade your inbox. You need to take survival into your own hands and become the aggressor.
As a quality woman, the best thing you could ever do to survive online dating and land a great guy is to get out there, perform your own searches, and hunt down what you are looking for. Those who take this approach will always find salvation quickest. As you scour the wastelands for potential, you should keep an eye out for the following types of men:
High effort profile guy
I can make you laugh guy
Goal oriented and ambitious guy
Open-minded and adventurous guy
Nice but not wussy guy
Confident but not arrogant guy
I can write at an age appropriate level guy
Online Dating Survival Tip #4: Keep your guard up at all times
He may seem nice, but before you agree to that first date, perform one more scan of his profile and emails for red flags. You may even want to request his Facebook for one final round of investigating. The online dating world is filled with bad guys in disguise. You must keep an eye out for these men.
Online Dating Survival Tip #5: Recruit your fellow survivor
So you've found a great guy, met up for a date, and he's just as amazing in person. Now its time to show him why he should join forces with you as you move hand in hand towards a better future. If you want him to take that journey with you, be sure to:
Laugh and have a good time
Show a willingness to try new things
Display that you are down to earth and easy-going (if you aren't, work on this!)
Smile! Most men can't resist a great smile.
Keep the drinking to a minimum.
Listen just as much as you talk. Relationships are a 50/50 partnership.
Online Dating Survival Tip #6: Don't make any last second mistakes
When you finish your amazing date, don't ruin things just as you are on your path to salvation. Send a thank you text for the night and then go with the flow from there. If you don't hear from him for a day or two after the first night, don't panic. Coming across as clingy or lacking in confidence may just unintentionally scare off what could have been a happily ever after.