THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Joshuah Bearman Headshot

A Big Blast of Flaming Larry on Paris Hilton's Face

Posted: Updated:

I'm watching the Paris Hilton interview with Stephen Elliott and Stephen Sherrill. Stephen Elliott's writing about Paris, so we've been waiting for this all day. God damn is it boring. Forget that she's clearly been coached to say almost nothing except invoke her family at every opportunity and reiterate, falsely, that she got a raw deal. Forget that her "prison diary" is a bunch of canned, vague platitudes not even fit for high school commencement speeches. Forget that all she could say about her jailyard introspection and growth is that she doesn't like how she squeals when she's nervous, and maybe she needs to work on that. Forget that she claims to have never been more humiliated than being stripped search despite that 1 Night in Paris is the most popular porno of all time. Forget all that, the nonsense of the non-interview. My mind was wandering so much during the last teaser into the commercial break, here's what I found myself thinking: what if Larry King just burst into flames right on camera? Like what if the craziest moment in live television history happened, something no one could ever expect, and Larry King just freaking exploded? Boom -- right there in the studio! You know, the guy looks like a re-animated corpse, and maybe the lights would ignite him suddenly, and then Paris gets a giant chunk of burning Larry King on her face, and she's screaming and her face is melting off and the whole strangely improbably but scientifically possible episode just ratchets up the absurdity of the Paris saga to a level no one could have ever expected? How insane/awesome would that be? Somehow I think that's the only way any of this would make sense.