In her article "Why 6-Year-Old Girls Want to be Sexy," Jennifer Abbasi writes, "Most girls as young as 6 are already beginning to think of themselves as sex objects, according to a new study of elementary school-age kids in the Midwest."
The academic study she refers to, published in the behavioral science journal Sex Roles, examines the media's emphasis on the sexualization of girls and women. It also finds that a mother's instruction and perspective can either interrupt or exacerbate our daughters' succumbing to it.
The good news? Here again we see the power mothers have to raise grounded, self-assured girls who can grow into grounded, self-assured women -- girls who become women comfortable in their bodies and able to experience desire without shame or comparison to Victoria's Secret models.
The bad news? We're not maximizing that power. According to what daughters have to say, we still don't talk to them about sexuality in ways that help them revere their bodies and human sexuality. We're not seizing the opportunity to replace all that objectified, performance-based, airbrushed, competitive sexuality (that I like to refer to as Sex from a Can) with information on what sexuality is like in real life.
If we want to dilute social pressures on our girls to be sexy, we have to offer them an alternative: Our validation of their true sexuality as they'll grow into it and experience it over their lifetimes. And we'll get an amazing bonus out of it: Our daughters will learn to trust and respect themselves, and -- judging by what daughters in my research say -- they'll also trust and respect us, which in turn makes them feel closer to us throughout their lives.
Young daughters want to look up to their mothers as role models for what it means to be female. They want us to be confident enough to show them the ropes. This doesn't mean they want to hear the specifics of our sex lives. It means they want us to teach them to respect the female body we share. When they're little they want to know about their anatomy; later they want to know about menstruation and then ultimately about all of the complexities of desire's influence over the quality of the adult sexual relationships they'll encounter. They want to be supported in being true to themselves, not to the misrepresentations of sexuality they see all around them.
If we want to be there for our daughters and teach them about their bodies, sexuality and desire, we need to have an understanding of our own erotic life and its highly personal meaning to us. And we need to consider not just where we are now, but also how we got there from girlhood and what we hope for ourselves in the future.
If we're skittish talking about sexuality with them, one of the easiest ways to be less afraid is to tap into our own experiences and use them to connect with what our daughters need. Here are some questions to get us thinking about our own mothers' sexuality; how our sexual sense of self might have been shaped by them; how we then come to see our own sexuality and finally, how we might consider our influence on our daughters'.
WHEN WE THINK OF OUR MOTHERS
Questions a Mother Can Ask Herself as She Considers Her Mother's Sexuality
WHEN WE THINK OF OURSELVES
Questions a Mother Can Ask Herself as She Considers Her Own Sexuality
WHEN WE THINK OF OUR DAUGHTERS
Questions a Mother Can Ask Herself as She Considers Her Daughter's Sexuality
If our daughters feel safe talking about sexuality with us, then they won't be as inclined to look elsewhere for answers.
I often use myself as a negative example. I am a prime example of what NOT to do when it comes to teen sex and teen use of drugs and alcohol, but the good side of that is I -can- speak from experience. Vast experience.
I think the two most important things I told my daughters is that "Passion will make you do stupid things you will regret later." I believe that many teens get swept away by the "heat of the moment" and the biological drive to reproduce is so strong in teens experiencing those drives for the first time that it's easy to make choices one may regret later.
The other thing I shared is something I often regret myself. "You will remember your first time in exquisite detail for the rest of your life. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to share that memory with the person you shared the experience with?"
How does telling them that "passion will make you do stupid things you're regret later" help them to, as the article says, "revere their bodies and human sexuality, and replace the objectified, performance-based, airbrushed, competitive sexuality with information on what sexuality is like in real life?"
How are you "teaching them about their bodies, sexuality and desire?" How are you "being a role model for what it means to be female?"
Of course fathers have an important role, and are certainly critical to a daughter's self esteem, but you seemed to have not understood much about this article.
While I can't be a role model for "what it means to be female", I could be a role model for what is acceptable from a male, and that interaction is part of being female. I grew up in the 70s. Sex was -everywhere- and everyone was doing it, almost from the time they could. I saw the down-side that was young girls being treated as objects worth only their "entertainment" value and how they got drawn into that trap of external validation. I wanted my girls to have better.
Severas times, after I reached puberty, but before she died whan I was in 11th grade, my mother told me some things about her sex life.
I didn't appreciate it at the time, but her attitude gave me an unbelievable template for married sex.
Sadly, my husband did not agree. That's why he is my ex.
Fight the "dumb"...not just the objectification side effects.
Probably not funny to most, but I am in a rare sleep deprived mood.