"I don't think this relationship is going anywhere, its not you its me, or I think we should see other people." No matter how you say it breakup is torture. Whether you are divorcing or just breaking up with a partner, separating is a unique moment in time that can alter the rest of your life or theirs.
For 15 years I have watching the results of break up in my courtroom in divorce court. It is now so clear to me that how the initial breakup is handled sets the tone for the entire process. The manner of breakup not only affects a person's future but who they become in the present. The median age for marriage is almost 26 for women and almost 28 for men. By the time you get married you are likely to have numerous breakups in your repertoire.
When you decide that you must move on, whether married or dating, what part if any of that relationship do you take with you? There will always be choices. You can use good memories to foster a different but important relationship with that person or you could focus on the negative aspects and embitter your life. We have all engaged in actions that leave the residue of embarrassment for some behavior we are not proud of and want to cover up. If there is behavior you want to cover you must hide from some people and even yourself. When you feel the need to hide your behavior, you make your world smaller. Does your breakup shrink or expand your world? Does it shrink or expand your psyche. When you hide from yourself you don't heal as well and therefore inhibit yours psyche elasticity? Your psyche needs to retain its elasticity to manage all of your relationships.
We all know there is a brutal dance during breakup where people can devalue their own self worth by focusing only on how someone treats him or her in the end. We have the power as the initiator to really imprint the people we leave and scotch their earth and run for cover before we smell the fumes. Some of the choices to be made are; what is the press release to our friends, do we spin a story to the world to make him or her look bad? Do we need to be the right one in the end? Do we deal fairly with material possessions and not use them for payment of what you believe is due you? In that volcanic space of the breakup has we mined for diamonds or ashes'?
Taking some control over the devastation of another person is a difficult responsibility most of us don't want to undertake. Realistically we all need to believe that to do so there must be some benefits to us.
The whole idea of losing another relationship carries with it potential for loosing faith in the sustainability of love. Breakups take a toll on us not just because of the loss of the person but because they rob our reserve of trust and faith in love. The ability to bounce back seems to loose its elasticity which each successive loss. If the wall of heart muscles is a rubber band, each heartbreak can either wear away our reserve of elasticity or rejuvenate the bands. It greatly depends upon how you treat the other person. Perhaps the ultimate act of optimism is that behaving our best, even in the dark hour of breakup, is a very valuable endeavor. Don't wait for the roof to blow off to decide how you want to be in this difficult time. Decide now.
Eight suggestions to keep good karma for your next relationship. Yes they are difficult but remember 'no pressure, no diamonds':
1. Let the person vent their anger and disappointment at least a few times. You don't have to let this person endlessly abuse you.
2. Apologize for your part of the demise of the relationship without requiring them to admit their fault. Just be concerned with your own behavior.
3. Give up the chicken and egg debate about who is at fault for the end of the relationship.
4. Ask the injured party how you could make this easier for them, or what you might do to make it better while still holding your ground to separate. This is a little tricky because if you are sure it is over you don't want to give false hope just to make it easier on yourself.
5. Don't give false hope just to make it easier on yourself, which will just cause the person to turn into a pretzel trying to accommodate you and cause further humiliation and weakening of their spirit.
6. Don't text a breakup and if you do it by email, still make yourself available for conversation. Emails do have benefits in helping to organize your thoughts but are usually not a substitute for conversation.
7. If they get hostile tell them the conversation is not going the way you can tolerate and reschedule.
8. Your press release should always be at the least fault neutral. Try to speak to third parties about your former partner in complimentarily ways if possible. My friend Barry says emphatically "I would never date someone who trashed their past relationship."
When asked what is the gold standard for breakup, that is easy; you become in the breakup the person you want to be with in your next relationship.
Louis Licari: Hollywood, Infidelity and the Power of Self-Esteem
Dr. Hendrie Weisinger: Applying Your Emotional Intelligence? I Hope So!
W. Hunter Roberts: Notes of A Temporary Expat 1
I've had 2 lasting relationships in my life, the rest was playboy time. The first my marriage at 24 was my decision. After 7 years I couldnt take the future that was piling up on me. Mother-in-law that was putting demands on me for a house, grandkids and to finish college. My wife wasnt really a wife as much as she was her mothers daughter. After 7 years I woke up and didnt feel I knew who she was.
Her last words were "...when I come home I dont want you here..." and that was the last full statement I ever heard from her. Apparently her family had been planting mental bombs in her head about me and she was being blasted by distortions. I left her everything and what I didnt give her she took. I left with a mountain of debt and my broken spirit and my broken promise to my God.
I was with my next love for 10 years and she move out and in with another man she met online that was more to her liking. Her party never stopped and a couple years after leaving she passed away. We were friends til the day she passed.
I'm with someone now and we are very similar. I dont see us breaking up but if this doesnt work, I'm done. I'll just be a playboy the rest of my life. The rubber band is too thin to continue.
The author of this article's karma is the effect of the lies and partial truths and manipulation that were
"necessary" to perform her job as a divorce lawyer when she represented one side of a divorce.
The big truth is that karma doesn't always effect the person who does the action.
http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=nIBQFSwX1UY&feature=fvw
Birth in any fashion is rarely painless for someone and it's usually messy for everyone.
We are resilient - you will see later you can handle it better than you think
Regardless of the denotative meaning of karma, I understand what the author is saying and applaud the effort to help people be kinder to one another during a break-up.
Kindness is in our power even when fondness is not. - Samuel Johnson
It's hard. It's hard to let it go. It's hard to resist the temptation of emailing the pdf of his on-line ashley madison personal ad to all our friends and family and his co-workers. The ad I found two weeks after my dad died. The ad that specified how he wanted to 'please' her (whoever her may be). The ad that specified how he wanted to do it in the pool while I was at work. The pool that is visible to all our neighbors. The ad that specified he was down for anything exciting. The ashley madison personal ad he posted and paid money for every month for over a year while claiming he was saving money for an engagement ring. It's hard. It's hard to take the high road.
But so far I'm doing it. God help us both!
I think this is a good article HOWEVER....my past relationship ended with my boyfriend trying to strangle me to death. I believe that you cannot truly know someone without devulging this type of information about your past. So I will tell my current and possible future boyfriends the truth and believe me I have nothing nice to say about someone who tried to kill me when all I wanted to do is move on.
I personally think that saying I WOULD NEVER DATE SOMEONE..... is totally against everything I believe as a Buddhist. Our minds are supposed to be flexible and I WOULD NEVER is the antithesis of flexible.
I posted at the wrong spot
it doesn't fit well with your specific comments here
sorry
Its use has been bastardized by Americans.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to do good in this life, but misusing it is akin to claiming "the holy trinity" is Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
If you don't believe in reincarnation, you don't believe in karma.
It is not "what's goes around comes around," nor is it "you reap what you sow."
If westerners are going to insist on using this term - let alone using it in the title of books they write - it would be nice if they at least learned what it means first.
I would dare say that I have lived serveral lives in my own lifetime. Within each lifetime I have learned lessons to improve the next lifetime...We cannot be so arrogant to drawn the line on anything....As I said below, I believe the most valueable aspect of Buddhist is the concept that our minds remain flexible and drawing the line on anything is the opposite of flexibility.
LOVE that! Absolutely. And the older you get, the more beautiful the intermingling of these lives become.
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That is an understatement. The suggestions are great and ultimately we are only responsible for ourselves since we have to live with what we do and say.However we don't have control over other people's actions.When folks get ugly about being rejected then there is no amount of "amicable" that can alter the course of bad behavior. This runs the gamut from violence to just being a jerk and bad-mouthing an ex to friends and family.That kind of stuff is hard to "bounce back" from.