I was at the dog park recently and watched as a middle-aged man played with his young son and their dog. They were throwing around a ball and running back and forth. The dog and the kid returned back to dad, each with the same expression, awaiting the same response: "Great job!" And they got it every time no matter what they did.
It was pretty sweet, really, and I couldn't help but smile when the boy and the dog both got patted on their heads at the same time, but it made me wonder a bit about how we praise our kids and how we confuse unconditional love and unconditional approval.
A while back (in the early '80s) when I was just starting out, there was a group for women on the West Coast that was dedicated to the fostering of self-esteem and empowerment. These are good things... up to a point. But those were the times we were living in, and the terms were being thrown around like rice at weddings. Anyway, the women were told to use the word "yeasting" to imagine themselves growing full of their true "selves." Given what we know about the power of imagery and how words translate into physiologic responses, can you guess what happened?
Take a moment.
Are you laughing yet?
They developed yeast infections. I kid you not. Whether they had any real improvement in their self-worth, I can't tell you. No studies were done and no further reports were given.
Can We Praise Too Much?
Parents struggle with this issue all the time because somehow in our society we have transposed love and approval. We have been infused ("yeasted?") with the notion that if we don't praise and empower our children at every turn we are somehow failing them or burdening them with battered egos, poor economic futures and a long life of traumatic relationships.
Praising, which is a marvelous thing when it is merited and sincerely given, has become as freely distributed in the schools and playgrounds as cake at a birthday party. "You're so wonderful!" has become not just common, but culturally "requisite." Chic Hollywood moms show the world their baby bumps, or parade their infants as they breast feed for the paparazzi. It would seem that what we do has become less important than who sees us doing it and the image it creates for us. And the media surely perpetuates this.
Is this the same as love or as parenting? To answer that for myself, I had to backtrack for a moment and recall who we all are at the most elemental levels.
We are, first of all, sentient and aware from day one. Studies have indicated that babies are not only aware but have preference recall from while they were in utero.
In a study at the University of North Carolina, pregnant women read aloud "The Cat in the Hat" twice a day to their unborn children. A few days after birth, the newborns were outfitted with special nipples that let them signal their approval of what they were hearing. (This is based on the data that sucking behavior is a reflection and direct measure of interest.)
The newborns were then given the opportunity to hear a different story than they one they'd heard in utero. They quickly realized they could change the story by changing the speed of their suckling. They vastly preferred what they heard in utero. Not only that, but they preferred it the exact way they heard it: by their mothers as opposed to other females, read forward rather than backward.
Translation: Children are listening and watching and interpreting what we do, what we say and how we do or say it, even when we think they're just dribbling.
Secondly, we are all pack animals. We need to know we belong. That includes love, but requires more. In order to truly belong, we must be able to participate. This entails that we also know and follow the general rules -- what we can do, what we can't do, what we have to offer and where our place in the pack is.
Guidelines and standards, when used lovingly (and I can't overstate the importance of "lovingly"), are necessary for good character. It's the same as lifting weights for good bone density. If we never have to lift more than we think we can, we never will. We simply get weaker and weaker.
The third and perhaps most important is that we are all -- again, from our first breaths --hard-wired to seek safety. That is where parenting really comes in.
Safety is everything to a child. It allows him to grow, to question, to create, to make mistakes, to actually become empowered, to learn and finally to understand the workings of the world so he can function and build new relationships outside the family.
Unconditional praise or approval is, by definition, the absence of limits, standards and expectations. And if there are no limits for a child, there can be no safety.
The problem is that, like poor Ali McGraw in "Love Story," we think love means never having to say, "I'm sorry," or, "Please don't do that," or, "That was wrong." Love often means precisely the opposite.
Children who are raised to think it's all "okay" and that they're "just wonderful," no matter what they do, are given a message that is actually contrary to our best intentions and their deeper needs -- that they are limitless, constantly central to whatever is going on and always right. All of this breeds the very thing we don't want: narcissism.
For more intuitive children, it also resonates as a lie. I remember one young girl when I worked at an elementary school. Her mother wanted her in the school band. She bought her a brand new, expensive violin. She hired a private tutor. She became her daughter's greatest cheerleader. But the child had no interest and no pitch. She used to come crying to me in my office that she wanted to quit, that she couldn't do it. But her mother insisted that she could be anything she wanted to be, that she was terrific, that she only need apply herself a little bit more.
"I know I can't play. I can hear myself," the child told me. "Why can't she?"
Are Standards Punitive?
Standards of behavior don't negate love. They may very well help express it. The reality is we are not all created equal. We have equal rights under the law, but I know without a doubt that I can't play basketball. I can't fly a plane. I can't do neurosurgery. I'm not the same as you. You're not the same as me. We each have gifts. We each have deficits. That is what we all share. That is the true nature of our equality -- that we are not the same.
Children know this until they are taught otherwise. They see it from their first birthday party, their first foray into a playground, their first afternoon at daycare. Some kids run faster than others. Some speak earlier, some speak later. Some kids sing like angels from the time they can breathe. Other kids can see deep into the netherworld of mathematics, as if they were reading a milk carton. Some kids are born with the gift of compassion.
Whatever their gift, they usually know the difference between a brilliant performance and a lousy one. It's not just because we say so. They can feel it.
The issue is, how we walk them through the reality that already exists?
I remember one teacher from fifth grade. His name was Mr. Sperber. He was the strictest teacher in the school and he taught grammar. We all loathed it, all the diagrams and conjunctions, but we learned it. And we behaved. Granted, this was not the most creative or expressive episode of my life, but because of him, it was one of the most disciplined and important. I learned what I was capable of doing, even when I didn't "feel" like it. I learned respect and diligence. And I knew the pleasure of well-earned praise. When he said, "good job," he meant it. There were no effortless "atta-boy's" in that class. But when praise was given, it felt awfully good.
Just the fact that I remember him when I can't recall one of the other teachers in all those years of school is evidence enough for me of his impact.
Suzanne Brown, an economist and the mother of two grown boys (aged 20 and 25), felt that her kids needed her approval, and she gave it unstintingly when they accomplished something: "When Ben was little, and did something well -- be it put a puzzle together or kick a ball -- I would say, 'You must feel really great about that!,' or, 'Wow, how does it feel to get a 100 on your spelling test?'"
She added:
I think people become confident because they build on success ... It seems to me that parents often fail to recognize that parenting is about raising a self-sufficient, value-centered individual. It is not about how they look to the outside world, it is about how the children function in the outside world. As parents, we tend to think our kids need to make us look good, rather than we need to look good to our kids, and set examples for them to live by. I tell each of my boys that I am so very lucky that, of all the little boys in the world, I got to be the mom of the very best ones.
Approval and encouragement and praise are cause for joy. I love giving it. I love receiving it. And occasionally, I really need it. But it's not the same as the deeper need for love, which can be given unconditionally, wholeheartedly and needs no approval at all.
Follow Judith Acosta on Twitter: www.twitter.com/VerbalFirstAid
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The Power (and Peril) of Praising Your Kids -- New York Magazine
I also think kids really enjoy praise when it is really specific. For example with young children go into the detail of what you see, "Oh I really love the way you've painted those blue and yellow stripy boats bobbing on the water" or with older children, “You really ran around the basketball court well today and passed really accurately to Sophie – well done” rather than the perfunctory "Ooooh that's lovely." Specific praise really means something to children of all ages.
I think praising children is a wonderfully easy way to build up and nurture their self esteem.
I encourage all the parents I coach to always catch their kids doing something right and praise them enthusiastically – and just relax and relish that wonderful broad smile you’ll get back!
Sue Atkins
Author of “Raising Happy Children for Dummies”
www.TheSueAtkins.com
I never let my kids win at board games. I taught them that losing was a part of life, and that being a gracious winner and a good loser was important. My toddler was upset at losing at Candyland today, but knows she has a chance at winning tomorrow. Learning to try again is too important NOT to be taught to our children.
I hope the dads (and moms) who over-high-five their kids realize that even if their parents seemed mean, they probably weren't. I see so many people of my generation so determined to be their child's friend, that that kid loses out on having a guide and a parent. Losing is great. Failing is great. It makes you want to try again and succeed.
I hope my toddler loses at Candyland again tomorrow, to develop the drive to become better. I'll hug her now, and maybe, just maybe, she'll thank me later.
http://raisingamazingdaughters.wordpress.com
Good parents praise their children and children need to be praised, just not excessively and without meaning. When I see that my child, for example, has worked really hard on something and then accomplishes her goal, I praise her for it. For example, our park has a difficult to climb section of jungle gym. My daughter tried several times, sometimes getting scared and coming back down or asking for my help. One time, even with me standing nearby, she fell about three feet to the rubber mulch chips and cried hard. But she got back up after getting a hug and started climbing again. When she made it to the top I told her I was proud of her both because she didn't give up and because she made it. I also asked if she was proud of herself. She said yes and promptly slid down the slide.
My point is that some of the comments suggest any praising leads to coddled, spoiled kids who can't do anything for themselves but it's important for a child to know you are proud of them and love them just as it is important to help them be proud of and love
I am the father of a two and a half year old girl and I find myself learning from you each time I read your articles. Thank you. This one made me think of the Fukushima 50 (the 200 or so radiation specialists probably giving their lives to try to stop the Japanese nuclear power plant from melting down) and thinking about what an act of true heroism they are undertaking. The word "hero" itself has suffered from such overuse (a by-product of our overpraising culture?) that its common usage wouldn't do the radiation workers the honor they deserve with the heroism they are demonstrating.
This takes me to being the single father of my little girl. In his Groundwork of the Metaphysics of Morals footnote 9 (I taught a class on it, I haven't memorized all the footnotes), Kant writes that the moral education of children consists only of exposing them to the good will - they will rightly recognize, be in awe of it and gravitate to it. The "good will" is an awfully vague concept, but I think they hear truth when it is spoken to them. Asking how they value something opens a palette of discernment allowing them to recognize and experience awe at that which is beautiful whether it is when they tie their shoes for the first time (after trying very hard and not giving up), beat dad at soccer that first time or see the pink sunset sky.
Jude
The effects of over-praise are serious and can certainly warp children's self image and expectations from both them and others.
Too often, parents praise from the mistaken notion that external praise equals internal approval, or it serves to self-satisfy a parental need for approval.
I believe praise for achievement should be honest, sparse and special, and most important, focused on how children evaluate achievement rather than how it is “graded” by the parent.
I did like many parents:
Me, “Wow, you made a mud bunny; I’m so proud of you!”
Son, “Want it?”
Me, “Uuuhhh!”
Then, something remarkable happened:
Me, “Wow, a mud bunny! What do you think about it?”
Son, “It’s cool!”
Me, “You should be proud or yourself.”
Son, “OK!…Want it?”
I know, not Earth shattering, but that was the beginning of my son’s internalization of judgment in action. He was learning to grade himself rather than depend on others for approval: Internal truth vs External judgment is always remarkable.
However, I have met with some resistance when I say to parents, “Instead of telling your kids you are proud of them, help them be proud of themselves; rather than looking to authority figures for approval and esteem, help them develop self-confidence and self-reliance, which supports self-esteem from the inside, and that will be something about which you can be very proud... and your kids probably won't grow up to be narcissists. :)
Lawson
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This is great advice! Summed up perfectly I think. Thanks Lawson I always enjoy reading your thoughtful posts.
I helped the little guy up and took the opportunity to make a speech. 'Son,' I said. 'You're going to beat me one day. But it isn't going to be easy and I'm not going down without a fight. Until then, you're dad is going to win at everything. Every. Thing. There is nothing you can do about it. Work hard, do your best, and remember that victory has to be earned for it to really mean something.'
Well, believe it or not he gave me a strange look, nodded, and from then on listened more intently to what I had to say. Seems kind of mean, but in terms of character-building, resisting the temptation to let him win has proven to be very beneficial to his development.
Without this kids grow up believing they have the Midas touch, expecting the world to bend to their whims without expending effort, commitment, persistence, etc. Praise is vital, but is only meaningful when used sparingly.
Good job there, pops!
I believe your observation is certainly justified, failing to understand the development mechanism for the positive "selves" can backfire indeed. Most things in excess, especially when unwarranted, are like eating all the icing and leaving the cake; coming down from an over-praised "sugar high" as an adult can result in a hard landing.
Lawson Meadows
There has been an extreme rise in depression, anxiety, entitlement, and narcissism in the younger generation over the last 10 - 15 years. Parents need to educate themselves and stop over-indulging their children in so many ways, including excessive praise.
To view my video parody of "tiger Mother", go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zrdoOPOGp8
Sheri Noga, MA
Author of "Have the Guts to Do it Right: Rising Grateful and Responsible Children in an Era of Indulgence"
The helicopter moms, and parents that are woefully disinterested in their children's success, and not at all involved in their lives.
How can a reader trust the content when such errors are present? There is a difference between a pack animal and a herd.
A pack animal is a beast of burden used by humans as means of transporting materials by attaching them so their weight bears on the animal's back; the term may be applied to either an individual animal or a species so employed.