The Death and Dying Series Part One: How Do You Relate to Death?

This is the first in a series of posts on the topic of death that will be published over the next several weeks.

We don't do death well in this country which results in a lot of unnecessary suffering. Most of us do not talk about death and are terribly uncomfortable being in death's presence. Yet, death is normal. By treating death like an invisible elephant sitting in the room, we deprive ourselves of making peace with our mortality, of deeply communicating with and comforting each other in the face of death and of taking the opportunity to make meaningful plans for the end of our life's journey.

Talking about and dealing with death is our last great social taboo. We all know that we will die someday as will our beloved ones and cherished pets and everybody else. Yet, most of us relate to death as wrong -- as something that shouldn't happen.

The taboo against talking about or dealing with death runs deep in our culture. As a result, most of us relate to death much like children squeezing our eyes shut behind our covering hands, as though what we were looking at has disappeared because we aren't seeing it. According to a 2011 Associated Press-LifeGoesStrong poll, Americans are typically unwilling to face their own mortality and many fear that the mere act of planning for the end of life will somehow hasten their demise.

Despite our difficulty in dealing with death, its presence as our one certainty begs the question of our relationship to death and how that informs the quality of our lives. Treating death as bad and life as good puts us in the position of resisting and avoiding death as though we could somehow beat the 100 to 1 odds that we will indeed die. This polarized view of life and death deprives us of developing a better understanding of the meaning, wisdom and blessings that the full cycle of life and death bring to our lives. Those who have the courage to accept the reality of death and to observe and experience it with their eyes wide open have access to this deeper understanding.

Social taboos take time to lose their grip on us. Typically, a few brave souls recognize a need to swim upstream against the current, and little by little a momentum builds until an alternative way of being becomes an option. Breaking through a taboo happens one person at a time, one situation at a time as a result of conscious and determined effort. The really good news is that we are living in very exciting times in terms of the prospects for disempowering the taboo against death in America. We are seeing more and more hospice and other palliative care programs that are teaching us a kinder and gentler approach to the end of life. Doctors and other health care workers are being challenged to reframe how they view death from seeing it as a professional failure to accepting the limitations of medicine and technology and the wisdom of passing the baton to a palliative care program as a way to comfort patients who are dying.

The baby boomers, now ages 47-65, are becoming elder boomers. Beginning Jan. 1, 2011, an average of 10,000 boomers will turn 65 each day. Thus, death is becoming a much more familiar part of the landscape of our lives as boomers care for aging and dying parents, and watch more and more of their peers face chronic and terminal illnesses and death.

Buddhist teachings advise us to avoid attachments and aversions as they block our ability to be present in the true reality of our lives. With both attachments and aversions we attempt to play God, saying "I must have this" or "I must never have that." When we resist death, not only are we engaging in a statistically losing battle, but we exhaust our precious energy trying to avoid the inevitable rather than accepting and working with what is truly present. By resisting and avoiding death, while holding on for dear life to life, we end up with a life filled with always trying to second guess what is coming and grabbing hold of whatever we like that comes our way while pushing away that which we do not want.

The result of avoiding talking about or dealing with death is that when we are forced to experience death either as a spectator or as the one who is dying, most of us are woefully ill-prepared mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Death shocks and disturbs us not because it is some awful occurrence but because we have made it so. In reality, death is quite normal. Each of us is born, has a life and then dies. Life and death are inexorably paired -- we don't get to have one without the other. That is not negotiable. However, our attitude and beliefs about death and how we relate to life and death are both socially and individually negotiable.

As a life coach, minister and grief counselor I have encountered an enormous range of beliefs and behaviors regarding death and have seen how profoundly these points of view inform the lives of my clients. At one extreme, I have worked with people who are so terrified by the fact that they will someday die that they are unable to function in their daily lives. At the other extreme are those who have either intentionally explored their fear of death or those who have had a life experience that brought them to a place of peace and acceptance of their mortality. Some among this later group have shared that by changing their perspective on death, they have also changed how they view humanity and they find themselves more deeply compassionate and understanding of themselves and others.

I would love to know your thoughts on this subject. Please leave a comment below or send me an email at: [e-mail]. Here are some questions to think about:

• How do you relate to death?
• Does it scare you or are you at peace with your mortality?
• Have you had any life experiences that have profoundly changed your view of death?
• How does the reality of death affect how you live your life?
• What are your thoughts and concerns about death?
• What would you like to see our society do differently about how we deal with dying and death?

For more by Judith Johnson, click here.

For more on death and dying, click here.

My other posts on the topic of dying and death include:

Overcoming Our Fear of Death

What Do You Think Happens When We Die?

Facing the Holidays When You Have Lost a Loved One

More About Carrying Your Grief Through the Holidays

Death and Dying Quotes: Reframing the Conversation

How to Handle Family Dynamics Around a Dying Loved One

Honoring the Memory of a Deceased Loved One

Opening a Dialogue About Dying and Death

Talking to Doctors About a Terminal Diagnosis

Why We Need to Talk About Death and Dying

The Importance of End of Life Preparation

7 Tips for Talking About Health and Money With Elderly Parents

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Comments

[Susan Perl]

02:42 PM on 02/07/2012

A revolution in how we die, and how we think about death is brewing. We love this conversation and welcome your thoughts at www.afterthoughtsblog.com Thank you for this perfect post.

[SandyWard]

05:43 PM on 02/01/2012

Thank you for posing these questions. It is important for people to accept the fact that they will die. I think that accepting the reality of death helps me focus on living more fully in the present. Years ago, in high school, my English teacher told us, "Death defines life." I didn't understand that idea then, but I've learned that he was right. When my son was 13 and one of his classmates died suddenly, I realized how quickly ANY life could end and how very important it is to focus on the big picture, the important values, the good times. My approach to parenting (and living) changed for the better. I wish our society was more accepting of death and able to talk openly about end-of-life issues.
One of the best gifts we can give our family members is clear communication about life & death matters -- what we value and what we want (and don't want) for our end-of-life care and final arrangements. I recommend a handy planning kit "Before I Go You Should Know" published by the Funeral Consumers Alliance . Filling out that booklet gave me piece of mind AND a convenient way to communicate my wishes to next of kin.

[Joanna Lillian Brown]

03:23 AM on 02/01/2012

Thank you for posting this article and creating a space for people to share their views.

Being with my grandmother when she died twenty years ago completely removed my fear of death. Being a caregiver to seven loved ones since then has given me many experiences of profound learning, emotional intimacy, and laughter. So many people lose out on these experiences. Sharing our stories and becoming change agents can help our death-denying, fear-based culture to evolve into one that offers affordable, supportive options for high quality at-home care, in-hospice care, group living, and care in other settings.

I do not fear death because I have thought about and communicated my wishes for end of life care to my loved ones, and I trust that they will advocate for my wishes. Thankfully, there is now a website, www.polst.org that provides up to date information on POLST (physician orders for life sustaining treatment) and MOLST (medical orders for...) protocols in many states.

Let us keep talking and sharing our stories, inviting others to learn and listen and share their stories, and then let us work to change laws to create and fund new options for end of life care.

[Gloria Horsley]

11:26 AM on 02/03/2012

Hi Judith,
Great article. So right on. We have the largest grief support site on the web at www.opentohope.com. Open to Hope is a non-profit Foundation dedicated to my son Scott who was killed in an automobile accident in 1983. I found at the time of Scott's death that there was little support in the long term. The internet has created an amazing opportunity for community and for the sharing of grief related issues. I look forward to your future articles and would hope that you will bet in touch with us as I would like to have you as a guest on our radio show.
Dr. Gloria Horsley

[Judith Johnson]

09:11 AM on 02/09/2012

Dear Gloria,
I would be happy to be on your radio show. Contact me at [e-mail] and we'll work out the details. I look forward to hearing from you.
Judith

[azothman]

08:23 AM on 01/26/2012

VERY important and timely topic, collectively, I would say. Personally, having been affected by the death of three loved ones in the last few years, as well as having a strong 'affinity' for its "wisdom" I find that paradoxically, one never fully lives nor is in touch with the Eternal and immortal aspects of our existence if Death has no place.
Thanks for sending out the reminder.

Dr. Azoth