12 Ways to Help Children Understand Death (PHOTOS)

One piece of fallout from our taboo against talking about death is that we don't effectively prepare our children to deal with death. They are much more aware of death than we realize and need our support in developing a healthy understanding.

While age determines to some extent how a child will respond to the death of a loved one, each child has a unique journey of learning about death. Apply the guidelines listed below with sensitivity to the child's individual level of development, environment, ethnic, religious and cultural background and their exposure or lack thereof to the reality of death. Regardless of religious beliefs, death is about loss and children need our help to accept loss and to grieve.

Here are 12 ways that you can help children to comprehend death and to grieve the loss of a loved one.

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Introduce The Topic Of Death Gradually

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Don't wait for the death of a loved one to talk to a child about death. Take advantage of less emotionally charged opportunities such as seeing a dead bird or insect or driving past a graveyard to engage the child in seeing death as normal and as the end of life.

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Don't wait for the death of a loved one to talk to a child about death. Take advantage of less emotionally charged opportunities such as seeing a dead bird or insect or driving past a graveyard to engage the child in seeing death as normal and as the end of life.

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Above all else, let children know they are surrounded by your love.

I welcome your feedback, so please leave a comment below, or contact me at [e-mail].

Judith Johnson is an author, life coach, ecumenical minister and public speaker living in Rhinebeck, NY. You can learn more about Judith at www.judithjohnson.com.

 

 

 

Comments

[Doc Mac]

07:20 PM on 07/09/2010

Allowing the development of wisdom at a very young age...

[wskrs]

07:14 PM on 07/02/2010

My father died when I was nine (cancer - long and drawn out) but I remember not really reacting when we found out he was gone and I didn't go to the funeral (my own choice.) My mother offered to take me to a shrink but I refused, and we stopped talking about it. My mom re-married and we never talked about my father -

Now, I have anger issues and depression, and feel like much of that is due to the fact that I never got closure. My mother essentially never went through the stages of grief with me and took my word for it when I said I was fine. How is a 9 year old supposed to know how to grieve for a parent? I never really got closure, so today, it's still like an open book.

Bottom line: parents, please be there for your kids and make sure they are coping with whatever... if you just gloss over death, it may come back to really affect kids down the road.

[supportamerica]

12:57 PM on 07/01/2010

My husband of 33 years is terminal, our Grandchildren are still very much a part of his life. We visit him on a regular basis at the Nursing Home he is now relegated to. They are seeing and experiencing his decline in health and know there is only one solution that will happen.

There will be no questions when the time finally comes, all questions are being answered now and they are fully accepting and love him very much, even though at times he doesn't recognize them or me. The ages of our grandchildren range from 7 to 13.

Their parents and I do not believe in hiding death from them but teaching them that all life has a cycle. They have experienced death of beloved pets and other farm animals. We have a small farm and that is part of the cycle of life.

I think they will be prepared as well as can be expected when it comes time for their grandfather's passing. I plan on spending the time after his passing talking about his part in our lives as much as they want. He will be cremated and buried under his favorite tree in the back yard with a small marker so they can sit with him whenever they feel the need to talk with him.

[Rev. Judith Johnson, Ph.D.]

06:00 PM on 07/01/2010

Dear Supportamerica,
Thank you for sharing your story. It is so gratifying to hear that your grandchildren are being as well prepared as possible for your husband's passing. Blessings to you all.
Judith

[Bluelynx]

12:05 PM on 06/30/2010

I was fourteen when Grandad died. My mother said nothing about his worstening condition. She then got in her car and faked going to the office for a normal work day, then came back after I'd gone to school. I did not find out he'd died till I came home. I felt excluded and devalued. This did nothing to help a relationship that was never that strong. To this day I wish it had been handled in a more honest manner.

[Rev. Judith Johnson, Ph.D.]

03:58 PM on 06/30/2010

Dear Bluelynx,
Thank you for such a wonderful example of why honesty about death is so important with children and young adults. Hopefully, you have transformed this experience by knowing how to communicate honestly with children. Also, I hope you have forgiven your mother. She was most likely doing the very best she knew how to do.
Blessings,
Judith

[T Pol]

03:32 AM on 06/30/2010

Nice article. Openness and honesty helps. Where my children (and I) struggle is simply dealing with the fact that we miss our loved ones terribly. We remember the good times, of course, but sometimes that deepens the sadness, reminding us of what we've lost. We try to focus on what our loved ones would have wanted for us. We have honest, open conversation and they were a part of the illness period as well as the passings. But for all of that, we still cry together together because we just plain miss them. I guess the good news there is, they still see a parent moving forward, remembering fondly, yet still crying when the need arises. I guess that's healthy.

[Rev. Judith Johnson, Ph.D.]

08:10 AM on 06/30/2010

Most of us suffer from the illusion that life should be good and happy most of the time, and are therefore ill prepared for hard times. The fact is we each get our fair share of the ups and downs of life. We could all enrich our relationships, whether between husband and wife, parent and child or friends, by loving each other through the good times and bad, sickness and health as the wedding vows state. Love is the great comforter. We cannot banish the difficulties in life - nor should we attempt to do so. After all, we do somehow gain our greatest wisdom and deepen our character through the challenges of our lives. What we can do is love and comfort each other as you and your children are doing. I am sorry for your loss, but grateful to hear that you are all experiencing a more profound connection with each other.
Blessings,
Judith

[GlassMask]

02:38 PM on 06/29/2010

It's so wonderful to see an article like this that offers good advice for a serious situation. So many would go straight to the "Jesus just couldn't wait to take them home" stories, which pile more questions and confusion on to a poor suffering child. The truth as you know it is so much better than that as a sign that you truly care about and respect your children.

[BigLittle Wolf]

12:09 PM on 06/29/2010

I find the author's remarks to be insightful, recognizing that we must take cues from our children, listening carefully to their questions, gauging their reactions as we respond, while answering and acting in age-appropriate fashion.

My own son asked about death at age two - a precocious age, yes, but genuinely concerned and interested to understand what death meant, and why I seemed to change when speaking about my dad who had passed away a few years before. Finding the right explanation was difficult but important, and the question returned over and over again, along with others (God, sex, birth) - each time, requiring more detail and a reassessment of how to handle the issue.

My experience of this with my two-year old son: http://dailyplateofcrazy.com/2009/09/15/tricky-trilogy-pushes-parents-to-ponder/

Another recent handling of this same issue, also with a two-year old, and from a fine writer:

http://mothereseblog.com/2010/06/28/turn-turn-turn/

As children get older, I find insistence on their attending funeral or other memorial services to be without hard and fast rules as well. A difficult balancing act of protection and awareness, including the impact that these services will have on the child.

Thank you for this excellent article.

[Rev. Judith Johnson, Ph.D.]

04:56 PM on 06/29/2010

Thank you for providing two great examples of how the subject of death comes up with kids and how to be honest and real with them. I particularly appreciated how you helped your son to understand that on some level we all live on in the memories of those we leave behind.
Blessings to all mothers and fathers who are faced with answering the big questions when they least expect it!
Judith

[Ljilja]

10:30 AM on 06/29/2010

Excellent recommendations and advice. It is extremely important to be sensitive but honest and open with children on this topic. It will color the perception of death they carry within themselves for the rest of their lives.

http://graciouslivingdaybyday.com/

[Ramkshrestha]

05:32 AM on 06/29/2010

Good article in complicated subject matter.

[Samuele Fabbri]

02:46 AM on 06/29/2010

I think it's really a difficult topic to deal with but be honest it's the best way to deal with. Great article.
Anyway, I believe there are several conditions about the way to explaining the meaning of death to a child: age, family environment and so on.
I suppose heaven and other ways to explain are used and I don't think they are so bad if they can allow children to understand that's a permanent status and accept it. God need him - went away, on the contrary, can be very useful. Sometimes be too direct can be difficult.
Neverthless, step by step one can talk children about death and, doing so, one can reduce pain if death happens when they are child or teens...Great advices according to age. Thank you so much...death is the end of life and it's normal so it's real one has to talk about this but fear and the wish of protect children sometimes prevent discussions about this topic and it's wrong.

[awarg]

09:52 PM on 06/28/2010

Thank you for this article. When my mother-in-law passed, my nephews were 4 and 7 yrs. old. They weren't allowed to visit her in the hospital- hospitals are where "people die". But my brother in-law and his wife showed up at the viewing with kids. I was flabbergasted and disgusted. My mother-in-law would have given anything to have seen them, while still alive, like she did with my son. I don't think a child that young should remember his grandmother in a coffin.

[Cindbird]

08:15 PM on 06/28/2010

My sons were forced to deal with death at a very early age. My oldest was 7 when my nephew committed suicide. He was 12. The youngest son was 3. The way I explained death was that just like toys stop working when you take the battery out, their cousin's battery (his soul) was taken out. But just like you can put that battery in a new toy, his soul was in a new body in heaven. They seemed to understand. Unfortunately they got very good at dealing with death since my nephew's death was only the first in a series of 7 deaths over the next 7 years. My advice to anyone who is dealing with multiple deaths is to find a grief center near your home. After the second death in which they lost their grandmother, we got them into the Amelia Center for Grief Counciling. They deal specifically with children. They also are able to let parents know when or if a child needs more intense counciling from mental health professionals. This was important because it gave them a place to talk about what they were feeling without thinking they were hurting us. And being able to talk about what they were going through with other kids, allowed them to see that they weren't going through it alone, other kids had the same feelings.

[Rev. Judith Johnson, Ph.D.]

05:01 PM on 06/29/2010

My heart goes out to you and your children and I am glad to hear that you did take advantage of grief counseling services to help move through such a difficult time. Another wonderful grief service for children is offered by Comfort Zone Camp. Their missions is to provide grieving children with a voice, a place and a community in which to heal, grow and lead more fulfilling lives. Their website is: http://www.comfortzonecamp.org/
Thank you again for your tender sharing.
Judith

[Marushkita]

07:10 PM on 06/28/2010

I just took a class on the Sociology of Death and Dying and we covered this subject. It was a very interesting class. I myself don't have children, but I remember my mom taking me to wakes of family and friends when I was in elementary school. We always enjoyed hanging out together her whole life, and I feel that she did me a great service, including me in commemorating life and death. Of course it is a difficult subject, but being introduced as a very young person helped me immensely.

[Sophea No]

05:49 PM on 06/28/2010

Want to have good children, you have to provide to your children a lot of time, you have to spend sometimes to play with them, provide them every time a new toys, send them to play in a children music, explain them in a good way and be patient with them.

[Gale Glassner Twersky]

05:47 PM on 06/28/2010

The crucial assumption this article makes is that the adults already have resolved their own grief issues in a positive, successful way so they can advise the child how to follow suit in the child’s age appropriate terms. From my professional experience as a hypnotherapist, I know this frequently is not the case. My suggestion is for the parents/caretakers to first feel comfortable in the role of the adviser or else find someone close to the family who comfortably can provide this role. The child/teen will sense if there is discomfort and find the words empty of sincere feelings if that is the case.

Oftentimes children will blame themselves believing that if they just were good enough, lovable enough, valuable enough, obedient enough, etc,, then the person would not have died. Be sure the child knows he/she has no responsibility regarding the death of the loved one.

Promoting belief in a Higher Power wherein you can put your faith can be extremely comforting. We can admit we do not know all the answers as to whys about death but there is a Higher Power, (God, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Fate or Nature, etc.) that we trust has the answers and is always there for you. Also, reaffirm you will be there for your child. They are safe, loved and life goes on okay.

[Rev. Judith Johnson, Ph.D.]

06:41 PM on 06/28/2010

Good point. It's true that most adults are at a loss in dealing with their own grief. Your suggestion of finding someone close to the family who might be more comfortable as an advisor to the children is a good idea. However, regardless of how well the parents are doing with their own grief, they are going to play a key role in influencing how their children deal with death. It's interesting that while many adults shy away from grief counseling for themselves, some are more motivated to go for the benefit of their children. Help is available to those who are willing to reach out. It's getting them to reach that is the hard part. No one seems to want to admit they are having a hard time.
Thanks so much for your insight into this matter.
Judith

[Gale Glassner Twersky]

12:28 AM on 06/29/2010

I am pleased that my insight/experience with the subject of death may be helpful to others. Yes, I would encourage parents, uncomfortable about explaining death to their children, to seek counseling to help themselves more fully comprehend the meaning of death so they may parent from their heart’s wisdom.

Any death is a reminder of our own mortality. When you reconcile yourself to the fact that everyone’s life has an end, it reminds you that you need to figure out the meaning of your life, your purpose. If you do not have an answer, a personally arrived at answer, then this is a wake up call for you. I would suggest that you begin the process of identifying what gives your life meaning and purpose.

Start the introspection today so that you may begin directing your life in a positive way according to your values. Your children will appreciate this guidance that will assist and perhaps sustain them throughout the challenging times of their lives.

[Asmodean1]

06:43 PM on 06/28/2010

buddha was not a deity... he spacificly told his followers he was not nor would he become a "deity'.

and by putting your "faith" in a higher power and thinking that once you die you will then move on and live forever is the worst of all of the deserveces religion has provided. such a pitty people do not realize and teach our young that life is precious because it come to us all including no human life but once.... live life well... its the only shot you will ahve... this planet would be a different place if this was believed.