If you have recently lost a loved one with whom you would otherwise be sharing this holiday season, you might be finding yourself wanting to burrow under your covers with a box of tissues until the holidays have passed. If this sounds like you, it's time for some T.L.C. I don't believe we should ever push down our emotions, though social conventions might make it advisable to develop strategies for dealing with these challenges privately or having a dear and trusted friend bear witness to what we are feeling. Remember that even at their best, holidays can be stressful. So, make taking thoughtful and loving care of yourself your number-one priority for the holidays.
Until 2006, I spent every Christmas except one with my mother. We shared a home for the last nine years of her life. For the past four Christmases, I have been adrift, unable to decorate my house for the holidays and spending Christmas like a peripheral, orphaned outsider to other people's ways of spending the holiday. This year, I am finally ready to create Christmas on my own terms -- just for me.
I have worked hard to develop the ability to pay attention to my own truth, and this year I am ready to give myself a beautiful Christmas. I am profoundly aware of the fact that part of not having my own Christmas these past four years has been because I was telling myself it didn't matter because I had no one to make a fuss over. Then I had the tearful realization that I really need to make a fuss over myself this year. So, I am joyfully decorating my house with garlands, lights, wreaths, candles, angels and stars and plan to get a real Christmas tree, hoping that it survives my cats' first Christmas. I am buying myself lots of presents, too, and signing the tags from all different people who have loved me and enriched my life. My heart is full and open again, and it simply took as long as it took.
Here are my suggestions for how to honor your own process of regaining an inner balance with the holidays.
- Pay attention and be ruthlessly honest with yourself about what you feel and what you need to do and not do as you move through this holiday season. Whether you have other people to coordinate your plans with or are facing the holidays alone, be as true to yourself as possible. Others may try to include you in their plans, or they may not, but it is really up to you to figure out what would be best for you. If you feel like sitting home in your pajamas sipping hot chocolate and crying or nibbling on cold pizza crust from the night before, that's OK. If you feel happy and want to joyfully participate in the holidays -- that's OK, too. Don't judge your truth, just live it and trust your own inner wisdom to carry you through.
- Be patient, kind and compassionate with yourself about what is true for you. There are no set rules about how to face the holidays carrying the loss of a loved one. This is a very personal matter. For many of us, the holidays trigger memories of thoughts, feelings, tastes, smells, rituals and traditions shared with our loved one. Without this person, the holidays may feel hollow and meaningless. If possible, reach for the deeper meaning of these holy days and the privilege of having shared them with someone you loved. Sometimes we take that for granted until we lose it. So, if your loss feels overwhelming, consider transforming it into gratitude for the blessing of having had this person in your life who touched you so deeply.
- Take loving care of yourself. Grief takes many forms. You might find yourself lethargic or grumpy or somehow out of sorts. That's OK. Just stay focused on what is happening inside you and tend to yourself as you would to anyone else you love deeply. Love yourself deeply through this time.
- Anticipate and plan ahead. Don't wait for others to make plans for you that may or may not have anything at all to do with what you really need. Face your truth and communicate what you need this year to those with whom you would otherwise be spending the holidays. If you have no one, consider new options like volunteering in your community, spending a quiet holiday by yourself or asking someone to include you in part of their festivities. You might even take a trip to either avoid the whole experience or to immerse yourself in another culture's interpretation of the holidays.
- Make room for your grief or sadness. Grief is a very private matter, and the holidays have a way of magnifying it. Welcome your grief. Your sadness and tears are expressions of the healing process of letting go and moving forward into your life without your loved one. If you try to postpone or ignore your grief, it will find other ways to manifest and demand your attention. So, be open to your grieving and trust that it is healing.
- If appropriate, create a new ritual to honor the memory of your deceased loved one as you celebrate the holidays. My mother and I decorated shoe boxes that we put under the Christmas tree. Each of us would take time to write little messages of love and appreciation for the other, put them in each other's box and then read them on Christmas morning. I am immersing myself in our love this Christmas by rereading our messages and adding new notes of appreciation for my mother's love. By putting the names of people who have loved me on the tags of all the presents I have bought myself, I am also remembering them and surrounding myself with their love this Christmas.
- Remember that the holidays will pass. Chances are they will present challenges. Rise to the occasion and take good care of your sweet self.
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Having lost my father 3 weeks ago, then last week to find out cancer may deprive my mother of another Christmas, it's heart wrenching to say the least. While this is all at the forefront, as are the emotions we cannot help but be guided back to the reason we are all here. To uplift, support and move through life as best we can with what we are given. If we can't we need to turn to others who can do that for us until we can.
Whether you are Christian or not, moving through the sidelines of any tradition due to death, requires calm and an impoverished mind that asks "what's next" - then listen. I intend to do just that and will accept what comes. Many thanks and prayers Judith.
On that note I'm sure you'll appreciate this similar article:
http://www.backyardmystic.com/2010/12/why-is-calm-decembers-distant-cousin/
Blessings,
Judith
--Jesuit Prayer to the Mother of God
I have learned to start new traditions that make the holiday time easier. In the early stage of loss, I kept trying to create the old feelings........ that just stirred up more sadness. Changed the food, the schedule and the decorations.
My life is different now. After 3 years of morning and grieving alone I decided my life was my life before I met this woman and I needed to find it again. So reluctantly I went about it a little each day to communicate with others. I ended up on websites, blogs, group counseling and then took a huge step and created a profile for meeting people on a couples system.
I met a woman who had a worse story than mine and we both decided to put the past behind us and just muddle through life together. She's very different than I would typically date but I'm drawn to her and find warmth in her being near. We've been married a year and I love her.
I get to doat on her and gather more memories that enrich my life. She lets me grieve and I let her but we go about making our holiday our own for us.
Good luck comrade, life doesnt take prisoners. Life is good, life is fun and you deserve more. Love
You and your loved ones are in my thoughts and prayers. Judith
It's the sucky part of life and unfortunately, we all have to go through at one point or another
May I make a suggestion about the best Christmas present anyone ever gave me. When my mother was ill, she was sent for surgery in another city and I was with her. I was filled with guilt because I couldn't be home with my young daughter and husband for Christmas. One of my close friends invited my family over for Christmas dinner so I would not have to worry about it. I still get tears in my eyes when I think about it. It literally took a 2 ton burden off my shoulders.
If you know someone who has recently lost a loved one, extend an invitation to them to come to your house. They may not come but they will always remember your thoughtfulenss.
I am just a straight old white guy from West Texas, but people like you and your late lover have always gone out of the way to make the world a better place and more tolerant for everyone. Somewhere your lover is enjoying the sight of a generation of kids like my daughter's, whose circles of friends include red and yellow, black and white. It's just as I and my wife always hoped -- seeing groups of kids drop by who had only one reason for being friends. We have you and your late lover to thank for this gift.
I hope you have found a new love of your life.