One theme that I have noticed with many of my counseling and coaching clients is the feeling they have of being on the outside looking in. This might be how they feel in a particular social situation such as with their family, at work or with a particular group of friends. For some, it is what they repeatedly experience. For many, this began during school days and has been with them throughout their lives.
The isolation and devastation of feeling like you are the only one who doesn't belong or fit in can overshadow all else in one's life. It can become a repetitive self-fulfilling process -- a pervasive experience of wanting to be on the inside, but standing alone watching others have fun whom we might believe have selectively and intentionally left us out.
I remember feeling trapped in this position in high school. The "in crowd" seemed to really be having a fabulous time. I watched from the periphery wondering what was wrong with me that I didn't authentically want to be doing what they were doing and why didn't it matter to them whether I was part of the group or not. I wanted the fun they were having, but I knew that I would have to fake it to be a part of the group and I wasn't good at that. I wanted them to want me. I knew that forcing or inserting myself into their activities wouldn't accomplish that. Feelings of not fitting in, not being chosen and just not belonging anywhere dominated my experiences in high school.
As life marched on, I noticed myself experiencing the outsider phenomenon repeatedly. It was my norm in social situations until I started to take a good look at it. I noticed a few important things that became my opportunity to break free and eventually to help others to do so as well. Here are some keys to moving away from the experience of being the outsider looking in:
If you fall into the trap of automatically thinking "they are right and therefore I am wrong" you have made a dead end proclamation and have lost the opportunity to consider other possibilities. That's why observation rather than judgment is so important. Observation leads to neutral conclusions that allow you to explore your options. Neutral observations might look like "I am looking at them having fun. I want to have fun. I don't feel comfortable in this situation. Where else do I feel comfortable?"
When you find yourself distressed watching others seemingly having a good time, notice that you are doing that. Then choose to look inward at your experience rather than outward at what others are doing. When we look at our negative feelings as feedback rather than as cause for judgment of ourselves or others, we can work with the information in a healthier way. For example, "I want to have fun. Standing here watching them is not fun for me. What else might I do to have the experience I am looking for? What is fun for me? What would be more fun for me than standing here watching them have fun?" It stands to reason that if you put your hand over a burning flame, it hurts and the healthy response is to move your hand away and learn not to do that again. So, apply that logic here.
When you never go beyond making yourself wrong each time you encounter the feeling of being disconnected from others around you, you simply pile on more bad feelings on top of old unresolved feelings. The pain gets bigger and bigger because each encounter touches into the mother load of unresolved feelings you carry around from similar experiences in the past and you feel more "wrong" and "disconnected" with each new encounter. Convinced that you are "right" in your interpretation of being "wrong" (having never considered an alternative) makes your perspective a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Work with your own feedback to create more of what works for you and less of what doesn't. That's called mastering the art of living. It will bring you much more fulfillment, joy and satisfaction than repeating the same old negative response sadly and wistfully wishing for a different outcome. Lovingly attend to your own sense of imbalance.
Explore what other options are available to you. Stop wanting to be part of something that doesn't make you happy. If the shoe doesn't fit, try on a different shoe. Go for what fits, not for what you wish would fit, but doesn't. Go for the feeling and experience you are looking for, don't demand the conditions under which those feelings will manifest. Be committed to finding your own form of happiness where you fit in and feel good about yourself and don't settle for anything less.
Here's to being inside our own experience and to honoring our own truth, trusting that we belong in this world just the way we are.
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How to Deal With Feeling Alone | eHow.com
How to Cope With Feeling Alone at Night - wikiHow
Study: Loneliness Can Be Contagious - TIME
www.QuintessentialYouDesign.com
Yeah i do... thank the universe..... most of what i see inside is useless crap.
For years I felt it was something I was doing wrong - that it was my error somehow or there was something wrong with me - because I never felt part of the crowd or really "there" for anything...from family dinners to roommates just hanging out in college. Now I can feel more or less accepted and when I don't I just move on... just as I don't connect with every human I meet, I cannot expect everyone to like me. I find those people that I can feel comfortable being myself with and enjoy the time on my own when necessary.
I'm the type of person who enjoys many different kinds of people and enjoys hearing what everyone has to offer. If I'm in a group and see someone on the outside looking in, I'll often try and include them in whatever it is that we're doing. And if they like something other than what I do or even have a completely different outlook on life I don't find it difficult to accept them and enjoy their company. As I'm almost 40 now I've come to realize not many people feel this way.
Being on the outside and having been invited in, I'm asked to share some of my personal tastes such as the kind of music I like. Much of the time, no one has even heard of what I really love to listen to. I don't blame anyone, it's just that my interests aren't common. So even having been invited in, few try and relate to me past this initial vocalization of interests/ideals/thoughts/etc.. My interests aren't common. And while I may have been included one time, it's often not repeated.
The best way I've found of combating this feeling is through humor. Sort of like this I guess...
"Humor does not diminish the pain - it makes the space around it get bigger."
Allen Klein
That's not as terrible as it sounds, though. For one thing, it gives us a certain anonymity - all those embarassing moments when we said the wrong thing or make some kind of social faux pas are big deals to us but all the naturally self-obsessed people around us probably barely notice and quickly forget them. With that in mind, it's not so critical that we live outwardly perfect lives. For another thing, we have a natural experience of solitude.
On the flip side, we all experience a longing to know and to be known. We're driven by that, some people more than others. And maybe we have experiences of empathy sometimes, and we find something in someone else that touches our souls, and enlightens our life experience, and fulfills a deep longing within us. Maybe one day we'll escape these limited lives and experience one that truely knows and becomes known - and we'll look back on life and wonder how we lived this way for so long.