As a psychiatrist, I have observed that relationships can be one of the major sources of exhaustion for my patients. In "Emotional Freedom" I discuss how to deal with different kinds of draining people to avoid getting fatigued, sick or burned out. One of these is the control freak.
It's important to identify if you are dealing with a control freak then develop healthy strategies to communicate. These people obsessively try to dictate how you're supposed to be and feel. They have an opinion about everything; disagree at your peril. They'll control you by invalidating your emotions if those don't fit into their rulebook. Controllers often start sentences with, "You know what you need?" and then proceed to tell you. They'll sling shots like, "That guy is out of your league" or "I'll have dinner with you if you promise to be happy." People with low self-esteem who see themselves as "victims" attract controllers. Whether spouting unsolicited advice on how you can lose weight or using anger to put you in your place, their comments can range from irritating to abusive. What's most infuriating about these people is that they usually don't see themselves as controlling--only right.
Control freaks are often perfectionists. They may feel, "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself." Personally, I can relate to this attitude, though I'm getting better at delegating. Controllers are also controlling with themselves. They may fanatically count carbs, become clean freaks or workaholics. Conventional psychiatry classifies extreme cases as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder--people are rigidly preoccupied with details, rules, lists and dominating others at the expense of flexibility and openness.
QUIZ: Am I in a relationship with a controller?
If you answer "yes" to one to two questions, it's likely you're dealing with a controller. Responding "yes" to three or more questions suggests that a controller is violating our emotional freedom.
Use the following methods from "Emotional Freedom" to deal with controllers.
Pick Your Battles and Assert Your Needs
1. The secret to success is never try to control a controller
Speak up, but don't tell them what to do. Be healthily assertive rather than controlling. Stay confident and refuse to play the victim. Most important, always take a consistent, targeted approach. Controllers are always looking for a power struggle, so try not to sweat the small stuff. Focus on high priority issues that you really care about rather than bickering about putting the cap on the toothpaste.
2. Try the caring, direct approach
Use this with good friends or others who are responsive to feedback. For instance, if someone dominates conversations, sensitively say, "I appreciate your comments but I'd like to express my opinions too." The person may be unaware that he or she is monopolizing the discussion, and will gladly change.
3. Set limits
If someone keeps telling you how to deal with something, politely say, "I value your advice, but I really want to work through this myself." You may need to remind the controller several times, always in a kind, neutral tone. Repetition is key. Don't expect instant miracles. Since controllers rarely give up easily, be patient. Respectfully reiterating your stance over days or weeks will slowly recondition negative communication patterns and redefine the terms of the relationship. If you reach an impasse, agree to disagree. Then make the subject off limits.
4. Size up the situation
If your boss is a controlling perfectionist--and you choose to stay--don't keep ruminating about what a rotten person he or she is or expect that person to change. Then operate within that reality check. For instance, if your boss instructs you how to complete a project, but you add a few good ideas of your own, realize this may or may not fly. If you nondefensively offer your reasoning about the additions, you'll be more readily heard. However if your boss responds, "I didn't say to do this. Please remove it," you must defer because of the built-in status difference in the relationship. Putting your foot down--trying to control the controller---will only make work more stressful or get you fired.
People who feel out of control tend to become controllers. Deep down, they're afraid of falling apart, so they micromanage to bind anxiety. They might have had chaotic childhoods, alcoholic parents or experienced early abandonment, making it hard to trust or relinquish control to others, or to a higher power. Some controllers have a machismo drive to be top dog in both business and personal matters--a mask for their feelings of inadequacy and lack of inner power. To assert territorial prowess, they may get right up in your face when they talk. Even if you take a few steps away, they'll inch forward again into your space.
When you mindfully deal with control freaks, you can free yourself from their manipulations. Knowing how they operate will let you choose how to interact with them.
Follow Judith Orloff MD on Twitter: www.twitter.com/JudithOrloffMD
My forthcoming book, LOSING CONTROL, FINDING SERENITY: HOW THE NEED TO CONTROL HURTS US AND HOW TO LET IT GO, examines how the need to control hurts all aspects of our lives and everyone around us, and how the very intensity of controlling actions blinds us to the options and choices that would significantly improve our lives emotionally, spiritually, creatively, and financially.
Danny Miller www.losingcontrolfindingserenity.com
In a relationship, sit down and talk to them, or at least try, offer gentle alternatives and when I say this, drop the hint, the comment, and let it go, do this repeatedly and eventually it will be their idea and boom, you are off to the races. Pick the battles and remember, the war is not won or lost or even negotiated overnight.
This is very helpful. Controllers are all around us and they affect us to different degrees. When it is your intimate relationship that is quite an on-going challenge. Pick your battles is good advice so that you are not constantly on edge and lose all of the fun of the relationship. I'm not thrilled with the term "freak" because the controlling behavior is so integrated into the person - they are sadly acting normal. In some cases they might back down, but it in other cases it is hopeless.
Cheers,
Donna Marie Thompson
www.BouncingBackNow.com
A control freak can cause serious mental damage in a relationship .
1. They have to be correct all the time even if it means destroying a business or relationship.
2. They will undermine anyone when working with a group to prove they should be the team leader.
3. They are constant bullies who have NO clue to what they are doing wrong.
SOLUTIONS:
1. Send them one of the books recommended
2. If you are in a relationship sit down with them and tell them everyone has problems including yourself and you work on them everyday trying to improve as a human. When you have their attention tell them you must discuss the fact they are control freaks and the reason why you are saying it.
Ask them to please try working on their problem and you will work with them. If they say you are wrong and will not face the reality you may have to move on are further damage yourself.
Show the control freak this great article and others and ask them kindly to view them objectively reminding them every person has baggage.
If this does not work you must leave the relationship or be exposed to more mental abuse.
If your boss or a superior is a control freak please follow the advise of Dr. Orloff she is brilliant and truly understands what is best.
Or is it that OUR REACTIONS to the control freak's struggles and coping mechanisms cause all the damage in our relationships? Can we not ease the situation entirely by stopping trying to control the controller ourselves?
All the best
Olga
As a sad part of each of our our circle of acquaintances, do control-needy folks deserve to be labeled as "freaks" -- a condescending term for sideshow sadnesses -- which we now use only to characterize those we strenuously want no company with.
The word "freaks" should be abolished in the same way that the "N" word has been banished from polite, respectful dialog.
Thanks for your thoughts about an overused term we don't hear the negativity in any more, good point.
http://returntoworkmom.blogspot.com/
6th Choose your battles carefully and avoid involving others especially a superior to your boss in every encounter unless it is gross misconduct. You may even loss your job when the freak thinks you are by passing. This is a major threat to control freak boss as they percieve it as total failure of being in charge.
7th Know that control freaks always micromanage. They get insecure if you don't share with them a simple conversation let alone decisions involving resource with others.However, be persistent in your definition of your areas of responsibilities. Control freaks may not give you good, clear and detailed JD as they are afraid of losing control. It is always good to ask for clarity of JD with control freak boss.
8th Be loyal but open to express your views.
9th Avoid telephone or e-mail battles. Face-to-face is much powerful to get your points across a control freak boss.
10th Avoiding and cutting ties with control freak does not solve your problem permanently especially if you can not avoid this person. You mus put your feet on the ground respectfully, honestly and openly to mend the relationship and make it productive and minimize emotional toll for both side.
I hope this helps!
1st, It is good to make your opinion known persistently. You are definitely preparing a ground for the next event.
2nd Don't swallow everything he/she said to avoid argument. Be respectful, brave and strategic to express your side of the story.
3rd Avoid arguing every point to death. If you don't win on this specific issue it is very unlikely you can convince control freak, who usually believe know better than you, cares more than you and has more wisdom than you. Arguing with control freak is like pursuing a dead end. You can not score a point when you argue with control freak. Leave it open and they tend to come back and agree with you. By doing so, you are not playing low self-esteem crap but a brave battle to win and it cost less(emotional tone). This strategy causes less turmoil and frustration for you and the control freak.
4th Show that you care. Control freaks have feeling like you but they are misguided and tend to be defensive to cover their emotional inadequacy. Show them you still care even if you disagree on this particular case. A control freak person want to hear words like " Absolutely", "You are right" and 'Agree" when they do good.
Cont...
Neverthless, use of "freak," as used to express frustrated anger and distaste, is understandable but perhaps might be better served by the compassion and understanding you presumably want that boss person to have.
1) i do agree with parts
2) i am very glad you wrote it
thanks.