How to Deal With a Narcissist (VIDEO)

As a psychiatrist, I strongly believe that it is important to know about the narcissistic personality so you can have realistic expectations when dealing with coworkers, friends or family members who may have some of these qualities.

In "Emotional Freedom" I describe how to recognize a narcissist. Here are some ways: Their motto is "Me first!" Everything's all about them. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement, crave admiration and attention. A legend in their own mind, the world is reflected in their image. They'll corner you at a party, recount their life saga. Some narcissists are unlikable, flagrant egotists. Others can be charming, intelligent, caring -- that is, until their guru-status is threatened. When you stop stroking their ego or beg to disagree, they can turn on you and become punishing. Once you catch onto this pattern, a narcissist seems about as charming as a banana peel.

These people are so dangerous because they lack empathy, have a limited capacity for unconditional love. Sadly, their hearts either haven't developed or have been shut down due to early psychic trauma, such as being raised by narcissistic parents, a crippling handicap both emotionally and spiritually. The damage of narcissistic parenting is outstandingly detailed in Alice Miller's "Drama of the Gifted Child." Hard as it may be to comprehend, these people have little insight into their actions, nor do they regret them. Though often highly intuitive, they mainly use intuition for self-interest and manipulation. As the Hassidic proverb cautions, "There is no room for God in him that is full of himself."

To find out if you're dealing with a narcissist, ask yourself the following questions from "Emotional Freedom."

QUIZ: Am I in a Relationship With a Narcissist?

• Does the person act as if life revolves around him?
• Do I have to compliment him to get his attention or approval?
• Does the person constantly steer the conversation back to him or herself?
• Does he or she downplay my feelings or interests?
• If I disagree, does he or she become cold or withholding?

If you answer "yes" to one or two questions, it's likely you're dealing with a narcissist. Responding "yes" to three or more questions suggests that a narcissist is violating your emotional freedom.

Narcissists are hard nuts to crack. With these patients, the best I can do is align with their positive aspects and focus on behaviors that they agree aren't working. Still, even if one wants to change, progress is limited, with meager gains. My professional advice: Don't fall in love with a narcissist or entertain illusions they're capable of the give and take necessary for intimacy. In such relationships you'll always be emotionally alone to some degree. If you have a withholding narcissist spouse, beware of trying to win the nurturing you never got from your parents; it's not going to happen. Also, don't expect to have your sensitivity honored. These people sour love with all the hoops you must jump through to please them.

If a narcissist is draining you emotionally, use these methods to get your power back.

Lower Your Expectations and Strategize Your Needs

Keep your expectations realistic.
Enjoy their good qualities, but understand they're emotionally limited, even if they're sophisticated in other ways. Accepting this, you won't continue asking something of friends, family, or coworkers they can't give. Consider this definition of insanity: when you repeat the same actions but expect a different response.

Never make your self-worth dependent on them.
Don't get caught in the trap of always trying to please a narcissist. Also protect your sensitivity. Refrain from confiding your deepest feelings to someone who won't cherish them.

Show how something will be to their benefit.
To successfully communicate with narcissists, frame things this way. Stating your needs clearly rarely works, nor does getting angry, or demanding. Alternatively, speak to what means something to them. Instead of saying to your spouse, "I'd really enjoy going to a family dinner," reframe it as, "Everyone really likes you. They'd be delighted to have you there." Or instead of saying to your employer, "I'd prefer to work fewer nights," say, "I can bring in more revenue for your company during these hours." Naturally, it's better not to have to contend with the tedious ego-stroking of a narcissist. But if the relationship is unavoidable, use this technique to achieve your desired outcome.

 

 

 

Follow Judith Orloff MD on Twitter: www.twitter.com/JudithOrloffMD

Comments

[Melissa Wadsworth]

12:06 PM on 08/27/2010

I know several people who have had, or who are still contending with a narcissist. One person's ex-wife has kidnapped their son and taken him to Italy in a widely publicized case, putting the boy through several trials and untold emotional turmoil, just so that she can play center-stage victim. It's such a tragedy. Just when the father wins a little ground in his struggle to get his son back, and it seems everyone is on to the fantasies and lies of the narcissistic mother, she finds someone new and influential to take her side and the process drags on. I imagine there are degrees of narcissism, but I completely understand your warning to avoid these people who can't really care about others.

[Kira Wolf Trinity]

09:41 AM on 08/27/2010

This is all very interesting, but a big point is left out - children are all born narcissistic. It is our fundamental state of being, until we learn otherwise. And if a child's parents do not give them adequate love and attention, or the attention is negative, that child will not shed those habits as they grow into an adult. I'm really quite tired of hearing about labels placed on adults as though they just appeared into the world this way and that there was no history behind it. This article makes narcissists seem like some kind of evil beings, but they are just children who didn't get enough love. I would try to crack open that can of worms with them instead of just avoiding their behavior.

[cyjames1975]

09:17 PM on 08/30/2010

I have someone close to me who is a narcissist. I think unless you have a close relationship with one where you can't avoid dealing with them, it's hard to understand the impossibility of cracking anything open and having it stick. Plus, narcissists LOVE talking about their difficult childhoods and all the ways life has screwed them over as a way of escaping responsibility for their behavior and choices. So while I understand this person's difficulty and how they ended up that way, I'm tired of talking about it and I refuse to participate in endless rumination on the past. It's a hard thing because if you're a person with empathy or sympathy you want to help and talk through things -- but it NEVER ends. It's not about evil. Though it sounds like that. It's just that they are a bottomless pit and you have to cut off this kind of talk to maintain you're own emotional health.

[mercury switch]

08:23 AM on 09/07/2010

Respectfully, I've spent a lifetime trying to "crack open that can of worms" with the ones in my family; even as a child I recognized the underlying insecurities fueling their narcissism. My sympathy and understanding was lifelong, and Herculean. And ultimately, wasted.

They exploit your sympathy; allow you to spend your entire life suppressed into silence in their company; aggressively block your speech; define you, speak for you, broadcast paranoid assumptions about you, without asking your opinion; push you out, or walk out themselves. Reason, pleading and begging does not work. Threats do not work. Warnings that the relationship is about to be irrevocable destroyed does not work. Given a choice between you, or $5, they choose the $5.

One imagines that sympathy and love would alleviate that insecurity, fill that void in their lives, soothe their fevered psyches, but all it does is pour gasoline onto an insatiable fire. You will never be treated with sympathy or love in turn, but largesse, flattery, manipulation, domineering, denigration, undermining, and suppression. At some point you realize, they rejected you, have always rejected you, and will always reject you. That's when you wise up. You leave, take the blame, but truth is they made your environs so hostile to push you out; to avoid facing the shame and guilt of honest self-assessment and accountability. "My way or the highway". If you ever won an argument, it's because they just wanted to appease the "child".

I wouldn't wish it on an enemy.

[Walt Gottesman]

04:26 PM on 08/26/2010

Thank you Dr. Judith for your recommendations on how to recognize and deal with a narcissist. It has been personally useful for me.

Also, I once met Sam Vaknin (author of Malignant Self Love) and his caring, beautiful young wife Naomi (now ex-wife) at a conference in the '80's. He was charming, articulate - seemed like a genius. She seemed somewhat troubled. I had no idea why. A few years later, after Sam was convicted of fraudulently trying to take over a bank, part of the sentence he was given by the Israeli authorities was to educate others about narcissistic personality disorder. He admits he has it, says its incurable. He destroyed his marriage to a lovely, faithful young woman. It is a sad, cautionary tale.

On his website Sam says that it was only while incarcerated that he first came across information about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and began to see himself for who he was. He's brutally honest about it but damage was already done by the time he began writing.

[Nancy Lloyd]

12:56 PM on 08/26/2010

It is a terrible tragedy to have a mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. One cannot imagine how screwed-up she is and has made her kids. This is a parent who always puts herself first; who cares little about her children -- only what they can do for her and her "reputation"; who, in fact, would never "put a child's life first", like most parents would. Imagine, for example, in a major earthquake: she protects herself; doesn't even check on her kids, not even afterward. A lifetime of pain is in store for the children of someone like this.

[Bonnie B Matheson]

10:55 AM on 08/26/2010

I love this video. It is too bad this was not available earlier in my life. But, it is a little disheartening, because Dr Orloff offers no real hope. There is nothing to do but just endure with a family member or loved one who suffers (often without knowing they do) from narcissism. Sometimes there's no choice but at others there is a choice. It takes great courage.

So many people need to understand that we are in control of our own attitude. We can choose to be happy even in the face of this. Keep your thoughts positive and avoid dwelling on the narcissist. The comments about being negative and trying to crush the narcissist bothered me because it seems that that sort of behavior would only make the person who employs it unhappy. Being mean to someone who cannot really change is cruel and will not make them into a different sort of person.
People are always saying they cannot change their situation. Perhaps they must deal with someone like this because they are married to them, mother or daughter to them or work for them, or live next door.

With courage you can make a change. It may seem impossible, but it is NOT. Even if you have to give something up, and go out into the world alone, you may find it so much nicer without the constant distraction of dealing with the narcissist that you will never look back.

[thirdwaver]

05:09 PM on 08/25/2010

This describes my work situation perfectly. My boss could be a poster child for this. I've never felt more like a prostitute than I do these days. The job market is terrible so getting a new job isn't really an option right now. The verbal, mental, and emotional abuse from him is palpable at times while the self-absorption is constant. If he wasn't the head of the company, I'd have transferred long ago. Sometimes I feel like I'm sacrificing my sanity for the reward of keeping a roof over my head. There are days where being homeless would be better I think.

[Hannah Davis]

09:15 AM on 08/24/2010

Now hold on, this sounds a bit like persecution; you all make it sound like narcissists are an evil group of people out to get us all, but can we stop and talk about their status as people with a problem? Don't you think that if they could consciously choose to stop destroying all of their human relationships, they would?

[ccelli73]

04:11 AM on 08/22/2010

This is interesting, because I've had to deal with a couple degrees of this personality type in my work life....talk about annoying! One of them was so annoying, that I just couldn't take it any more, and asked to be transferred. It worked out great. Sometimes that's the only solution. These types of personalities are so selfish and self-centered that they might change temporarily if you get so irritated with them that you must say something. However, they almost immediately go back to the same irritating behavior. It's just in their wiring. It's best to stay away from them, if possible.

[amantedelibros]

10:36 PM on 08/20/2010

Upon reflection, it seems I have known varying degrees of narcissist in my life. None of these experiences has been pleasant, to say the least. Suffice to say, I do my utmost to stay clear of such people.Unfortunately, some are very good at hiding it until you get to know them better and then, it's hell to endure.

[attilathe honey]

04:04 PM on 08/20/2010

Most people have some degree of narcissism - otherwise they wouldn't want to be in the limelight. . There is a great book written by one of the foremost authorities on narcissism called, "Malignant Self Love." by Dr. Sam Vaknin. Narcissists are charismatic, love themselves to the point of excluding all others if they don't further their agenda. They are robotic in nature and have little conscience, They have the uncanny ability to mesmerize the masses who follow them blindly until it's too late. This is a great book.
Attila Honey

[John Robert]

02:36 PM on 08/20/2010

But enough about me, lets talk about you, what do you really like about me ??

[stephandkaeli]

10:36 AM on 09/02/2010

HAHAHA! too funny!! So true, though.

[attilathehoneycom]

04:39 PM on 08/19/2010

Read a most fascinating book by Dr. Sam Vaknin called, "Malignant Self Love." Narcissism is his area of expertise. Many famous and infamous people have been narcissists - some in government today. They have a mesmerizing affect on people although they have little if no conscious as it's all about them. They are quite charming and therein lies the danger. They are almost robotic within their own being.
Attila Honey

[Scoudouc]

03:40 PM on 08/19/2010

You folks really have to check out this guy, Sam Vaknin that was referenced in one of the early posters. He was the subject of a CBC Newsworld documentary called "I, Psychopath" that aired a few years ago. He came across as more of a pompous blowhard along with his long suffering wife. He clearly much deeper than that and there's a whole slew of articles from him at http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/

The sentences read with raser sharp clarity that feel like psychic daggers aimed directly at me.

http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/narcissism-narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd/menu-id-1469/

http://www.cbc.ca/documentaries/wilddocs/2009/psychopath/index.html

[Ama1]

01:26 PM on 08/19/2010

Narcissists are human parasites; they feed off their hosts to the ultimate destruction of the host, and then move on. The only real way to deal with them in a relationship is to cut off their food supply. Walk away. If not physically, then at least emotionally.

1. You will see they do not really care.
2. They will twist it in their own distorted reality that you are victimizing them.
3. They will most likely end the relationship because you are no longer of value to them
4. Recognize that the narcissist is also destroying you; and if you continue with the status quo you are as sick as the narcissist.

[triprince]

03:00 PM on 08/19/2010

You are absolutely right on everything. Unfortunately, this narcissist is my own father. He managed to screw up his relationships with all his family and friends. We can cut him off but can't help feeling sad and sorry for him.

[Ama1]

03:37 PM on 08/19/2010

It is one thing to feel compassion for these folks it is another to invest any time or emotional energy with them. They are simply not worth your effort.

[Judith Orloff MD]

02:08 PM on 08/20/2010

Make your own positive life for yourself with loving people who aren't narcissists!

[saintpeterii]

12:53 PM on 08/19/2010

Certainly the narcissist deserve some attention. The narcissists are merely bothersome unless one happens to be tour boss, but of all the 8 personality disorders recognized by the DSM4, the most threatening is the obsessive personality disorder and unfortunately they seem to be taking over the world as we know it. These are people who are so disorganized and chaotic on the inside that they have huge needs to organize those around them. Having no life of their own they are willing to work hours that would wreak havoc on other lives. In the workplace they put a inordinate pressure on others who do have a life and tend to rise and rise beyond their capacity because as they sang the the musical, "He polished up the handle so carefully that now he is the ruler of the Queen's navy." OCD people are especially dangerous when they achieve power be it in politics, corporate life in the neighborhood organization. They are not hard to identify and the DSM4 give up their game fully except to go into the effects they have on others. A subject that needs attention, much attention.