As a physician, I've found that the biggest energy drain on my patients is relationships. Some relationships are positive and mood elevating. Others can suck optimism and serenity right out of you. I call these draining people "emotional vampires." They do more than drain your physical energy. The malignant ones can make you believe you're unworthy and unlovable. Others inflict damage with smaller digs to make you feel bad about yourself. For instance, "Dear, I see you've put on a few pounds" or "You're overly sensitive!" Suddenly they've thrown you off-center by prodding areas of shaky self-worth.
To protect your energy it's important to combat draining people. The following strategies from my book "Emotional Freedom" will help you identify and combat emotional vampires from an empowered place.
Signs That You've Encountered an Emotional Vampire
Types of Emotional Vampires
Their motto is "Me first." Everything is all about them. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement, hog attention and crave admiration. They're dangerous because they lack empathy and have a limited capacity for unconditional love. If you don't do things their way, they become punishing, withholding or cold.
How to Protect Yourself: Keep your expectations realistic. These are emotionally limited people. Try not to fall in love with one or expect them to be selfless or love without strings attached. Never make your self-worth dependent on them or confide your deepest feelings to them. To successfully communicate, the hard truth is that you must show how something will be to their benefit. Though it's better not to have to contend with this tedious ego stroking, if the relationship is unavoidable this approach works.
These vampires grate on you with their "poor-me" attitude. The world is always against them, the reason for their unhappiness. When you offer a solution to their problems they always say, "Yes, but..." You might end up screening your calls or purposely avoid them. As a friend, you may want to help but their tales of woe overwhelm you.
How to Protect Yourself: Set kind but firm limits. Listen briefly and tell a friend or relative, "I love you but I can only listen for a few minutes unless you want to discuss solutions." With a coworker sympathize by saying, "I'll keep having good thoughts for things to work out." Then say, "I hope you understand, but I'm on deadline and must return to work." Then use "this isn't a good time" body language such as crossing your arms and breaking eye contact to help set these healthy limits.
These people obsessively try to control you and dictate how you're supposed to be and feel. They have an opinion about everything. They'll control you by invalidating your emotions if they don't fit into their rulebook. They often start sentences with "You know what you need?" and then proceed to tell you. You end up feeling dominated, demeaned or put down.
How to Protect Yourself: The secret to success is never try and control a controller. Be healthily assertive, but don't tell them what to do. You can say, "I value your advice but really need to work through this myself." Be confident but don't play the victim.
These people aren't interested in your feelings. They are only concerned with themselves. You wait for an opening to get a word in edgewise but it never comes. Or these people might physically move in so close they're practically breathing on you. You edge backwards, but they step closer.
How to Protect Yourself: These people don't respond to nonverbal cues. You must speak up and interrupt, as hard as that is to do. Listen for a few minutes. Then politely say, "I hate to interrupt, but please excuse me I have to talk to these other people... or get to an appointment... or go to the bathroom." A much more constructive tactic than, "Keep quiet, you're driving me crazy!" If this is a family member, politely say, "I'd love if you allowed me some time to talk to so I can add to the conversation." If you say this neutrally, it can better be heard.
These people have a flair for exaggerating small incidents into off-the-chart dramas. My patient Sarah was exhausted when she hired a new employee who was always late for work. One week he had the flu and "almost died." Next, his car was towed, again! After this employee left her office Sarah felt tired and used.
How to Protect Yourself: A drama queen doesn't get mileage out of equanimity. Stay calm. Take a few deep breaths. This will help you not get caught up in the histrionics. Set kind but firm limits. Say, for example, "You must be here on time to keep your job. I'm sorry for all your mishaps, but work comes first."
To improve your relationships and increase your energy level, I suggest taking an inventory of people who give you energy and those that drain you. Try to spend time with the loving, nurturing people, and learn to set limits with those who drain you. This will enhance the quality of your life.
Follow Judith Orloff MD on Twitter: www.twitter.com/JudithOrloffMD
Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D.: Do Narcissists Know They Are Narcissists?
Rise Above the Fray: Options for Dealing With Difficult People at Work
5 Emotional Vampires and How to Combat Them | World of Psychology
How to spot an Emotional Vampire | eHow.com
EXCERPT: Are You an 'Emotional Vampire'? - ABC News
Vampires exist, they LOVE to suck out your energies... Look for a satisfied smile on their face as you fall to your knees, then stand up and run for the door. That's what her son did as soon as he could.
~Laura la vie childfree http://lauracarroll.com
I won't be reading this book ---
Being balanced in a world filled with people with varying degrees of balance is a struggle for many, so cutting people off, or limiting contact, with those who possess one or more of the above ailments is a good thing, like moving your hand away from a hot burner.
My Dad is a narcissist in the extreme and his tempest-like energy has been very destructive to me and my siblings. I've found that limited contact, placating when necessary and the occasional email and phone chat keeps us close, ironically.
This is NOT a 'woman' issue... as was brought up below. Anyone can suffer emotional abuse and manifest one of these ailments.
With friends like these....
I know when I'm feeling lonely I tend to talk a lot when I meet up with people.
Its a kind of release where you finally have someone to talk to about things and you tend to get carried away.
My tactic for combating this is to try get the other person to talk about the same topic. If I'm rambling about how much I hate work I'll ask them about their work and express my envy if they're loving their work or share commiserations when they hate it as much as I do mine.
Every example of vampirism was between women - if Im not mistaken
- although I did hear the term "Drama King."
Unfortunately, the 'imbalanced women' will be vulnerable to any situation where they feel they are the center...or they feel they can do all the talking... or they feel they are in 'Control.'
I have a "friend" who is a strong 2 and 5, with a healthy dose of 4 thrown in. Basically, I get to talk only when she's exhausted her stories, her complaining, her woe-is-me and her physical stamina.