In my book "Emotional Freedom" I emphasize the importance of forgiveness and why revenge doesn't work. Forgiveness is the act of compassionately releasing the desire to punish someone or yourself for an offense. It's a state of grace, nothing you can force or pretend. There are no short cuts.
Mistakenly, some of my patients, wanting to be "spiritual," have prematurely tried to forgive after someone emotionally knifes them in the gut. You must first feel anger before you can begin to forgive. I gradually guide patients to the large-heartedness of forgiving injuries either caused by others, or self-inflicted.
Revenge is the desire to get even when someone does you wrong. It's natural to feel angry and to say, "I'm not going to let that **** get away with this;" whatever this is. However, revenge reduces you to your worst self, puts you on the same level with those spiteful people we claim to abhor. Additionally, studies have shown that revenge increases stress and impairs health and immunity. As Confucious says, "Before You Embark On A Journey Of Revenge, Dig Two Graves."
Sure, if someone hits you with a stick, you have the impulse to hit them back -- the basis for war. To thrive personally and as a species, we must resist this predictable lust for revenge, and seek to right wrongs more positively. This doesn't make you a pushover; you're just refusing to act in a tediously destructive way antithetical to ever finding peace.
What I'm suggesting is a version of "turn the other cheek," yet still doing everything to preserve what's important to you. The hard part though, is watching someone "get away with something" when there's nothing you can do about it. Yes, your wife left you for the yoga instructor. Yes, your colleague sold you out. With situations like this in my life, I take solace in the notion of karma -- that sooner or later, what goes around comes around. Also, know that the best revenge is your success, happiness and the triumph of not giving vindictive people any dominion over your peace of mind.
Forgiveness refers to the actor, not the act. Not to the offense, but the woundedness of the offender. This doesn't mean you'll run back to your battering spouse because of compassion for the damaged person he or she is. Of course, you want to spare yourself mistreatment.
However, from a distance, you can try to forgive the conscious or unconscious suffering that motivates people. Our desire to transform anger is a summoning of peace, well worth the necessary soul stretching.
To experience forgiveness, try this exercise from "Emotional Freedom"
Emotional Action Step. Be Bigger Than Anger -- Practice Forgiveness Now.
1. Identify one person you're angry with. Start with someone low on your list, not your rageaholic father. Then you can get a taste of forgiveness quickly. After that, you can proceed to tackle more challenging targets.
2. Honestly address your feelings. Talk to friends, your therapist or other supportive people, but get the anger out. I also recommend writing your feelings down in a journal to purge negativity. Then, decide whether you want to raise the issue with someone.
3. Begin to forgive. Hold the person you're angry with clearly in your mind. Then ask yourself, "What emotional shortcomings caused him or her to treat me poorly?" This is what you want to have compassion for: the area to forgive. Definitely, don't subject yourself to shabby treatment, but reach for compassion for the person's emotional blindness or cold heart.
Here's how forgiveness can work in a range of situations where you'd have every right to be angry. It establishes a kinder mindset whether or not you decide to confront someone.
Forgiveness is a paradigm-shifting solution for transforming anger. It liberates you from the trap of endless revenge so that you can experience more joy and connection. Forgiveness does more for you than anyone else because it liberates you from negativity and lets you move forward. Forgiving might not make anger totally dissolve, but it will give you the freedom of knowing you are so much more.
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Good luck to you. Know that many of us sincerely wish you well.
Your follow up post gives some important insight to how you can move forward from resentment, anger, and other feelings. That he is still an addict and abuser who is repeated jailed is the "karma" that Dr. Orloff mentioned. (Of course, karma, is more complex than this, but his failed life and troubles are a result of his choices and attitudes.) Someone who lives a life like his can't find peace or true happiness -- only more misery. That is his "punishment" and it is all very sad on a human level. This can be pitied by those of us who know better...and who live better.
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His addiction and abusive behavior are the mark of a tortured and miserable person. Perhaps it even started early in his life: childhood abuse, disadvantaged background, mental illness (alcohol & drugs as self medication), poor development of coping and other important skills, etc. Whatever the factors that made him who he is, they are sad, considering he started life as an innocent child full of potential that was never realized. I mention this not to offer any excuses (abusing people is inexcusable), but to offer some perspectives that may help you overcome your resentment, anger, pain, and other feelings that may be holding you back from true happiness. By seeing a more complete picture, you can free yourself to finding a good and full life (and setting a great example to your kids); by not doing so, you allow him to continue to affect you.
And you're not broken -- you're healing, learning, and growing. None of this is easy. You may need to find support through friends & family who can reinforce the mindset & persepctives you need, through counselors, support groups, and maybe a doctor (don't let a bad one turn you off -- there are good ones out there). Just keep reminding yourself of his sorry circumstances while being grateful for the blessings of your life (that he lacks) and keeping your eye on the better life that you want to create. Success is the best revenge, afterall.
Good luck!
Maybe "detachment" is a better descriptor for what the author is conveying here. Not walking around with all that bitterness anymore, but putting it down and leaving it behind. Detaching from it.
I read those articles daily since I like to be informed about my country and whats going on in my life, instead of getting factual accounts the news are invariably laced with biased opinons , prejudice and even hates. So much for teaching us about tolerance , forgiveness and acceptance, when the older generations, like the X-Gen and Babyboomers are the one promoting the opposite incessantly. They taught us to do the right thing , the moral thing but they in turn did just the opposite. If this is not hypocrisy what is it then ?.
There are times you will need to hear an apology, to let it go in your mind. There are times you can forgive someone whether you hear an apology or not for your own state of mind and believe it or not sometimes you will seek revenge, that is the reality of the human condition.
In my own life, I seek justice, and it is not always compassionate. That is in the form of apology, amends, and sometimes punishment.
Just like there is a difference between anger and righteous anger, I am not going to always be nice about the process.
Most of the time, people have to make amends, I do it, if I have wronged someone, and I expect it done in return, and I do think a genuine change or trying to be better is necessary before any healing can be complete.
Make no mistake about it, I don't put myself in that position again to get hurt and thats where the story ends. I am not going to repeat the situation and expect a different outcome. Absolutely not!
If someone has seriously wronged me, continues to do so and will not acknowledge that they have done anything wrong, I will get them out of my life if possible and try to let it go, but, in my opinion, forgiveness can only take place if it is asked for. Otherwise I'm just talking about a vague, undefined feeling I may or may not have.
I agree with Mr Valentin---anger can be constructive. I find that I keep falling back into the same situations where I was wronged if I don't retain some anger. That doesn't mean that I am letting anger drive my life or ruin my health.
and as a comment to your comment below.. There is nothing wrong with righteous indignation.. the problem is when the person you are righteously indignant with refuses to acknowledge or validate your indignation. That's when it turns to festering anger for many people and for many people that is a corrosive force that begins to eat them away and motivate and or excuse their most destructive tendencies.