I recently had dinner with three college friends I hadn't seen in decades, all of us now divorced. Before we knew it, we were talking about our exes. First, Ruth casually mentioned that she was looking forward to having lunch with her ex-husband; they speak frequently, not only about their two children who are now grown, but about old friends and family members. Laughingly she told us they still argue over current events. Julie jumped in, saying she wished she could talk to her ex-husband, whom she hasn't seen in years. Then Debbie "admitted" that following the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center she had called her ex-husband Tom. Touched by her call, he spent the weekend with her and the kids. His presence made her feel a little more secure and a new phase of their relationship began.
I glanced around the table as these stories were told. No one appeared a bit surprised. Neither was I. In the twenty five years since I've divorced, my ex-husband and I have become fond friends. Although I have been happily remarried for the past thirteen years, I still count my ex-husband as one of my most significant and long-term attachments. He was present when both our children were born. We sat shiva together when his parents died. He knew my mother in her more coherent days and my father when he was still alive. This is a history that cannot be replicated with anyone else.
In my therapy office, in conversations with strangers on airplanes, at parties and professional conferences, I hear story after story about caring friendships between ex-spouses. Certain stories linger. After my friend Ann divorced and remarried, when she learned that her new husband was embezzling her money, she called her first husband, an attorney, who came to her aid and helped to recover her money. Just yesterday, a newly divorced father told me in my office how he and his wife had been on incredibly hostile terms until their seven-year-old was seriously injured. When both parents took turns staying overnight at the hospital pediatric ward, a shared gratitude for their child's recovery restored warmth to their relationship.
I am continually amazed at how ex-spouses can behave with kindness and generosity to one another when the explosiveness of a divorce calms down. When children are involved there is a real motivation to establish a cooperative relationship; any psychologist will testify that how parents handle the divorce and treat one another afterward is a key indicator of how well the children will adjust. This is not new news. What has surprised me is that over and again I have learned that the relationship between exes often goes way beyond mere pleasantry in the mechanics of custody arrangements. The ex-spouses who choose to vacation together at Disneyland with their children and respective new spouses clearly enjoy one another person's company. I have seen how affection, caring and generosity can accumulate for decades after a marriage ends and produce a deep attachment. When my mother's elderly friend took in her cancer-ridden, long-divorced ex-husband and cared for him as he lay dying - she was acting from a much deeper emotion than obligation.
The truth is that ex-spouses get an undeserved bad rap. Stereotypes abound of the deadbeat dad and the money-hungry ex-wife. Popular culture would have us believe that every ex-husband is a jerk and every ex-wife is vindictive. While this is certainly accurate some of the time it is not the only role ex-spouses get to play. I suspect that there are plenty more empathic ex-husbands and caring ex-wives out there than meets the litigator's eye. Recent research shows that as a species, we humans are hard-wired for compassion and love. What's more, experiencing positive emotions is good for the heart and overall well-being. Many spiritual traditions teach that you don't necessarily have to feel kindly towards another person, but that if you behave kindly the feelings may follow. Divorce is as good a time as any-- perhaps better--to stretch one's self towards compassion, kindness, and caring. For yourself as much as for your ex.
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What is the consensus on divorced couples who never had kids? Without such a compelling reason to interact, do many divorced, childless couples remain friends, or do most just go their separate ways?
There was a "fake it 'til you make it" period, while hurt feeling subsided; but they did it for us, and I have a tremendous amount of respect for both of them. We have vacationed in Hawaii together, and Thanksgiving and Christmas include both my parents and their new partners.
The example that they set has allowed me to keep my ex-boyfriends as dear friends; appreciating the best aspects of their personalities while acknowledging that we aren't the right partners for each other.
Being civil (and even loving) is a choice, and it is almost always the best choice when there are kids.
Wish we could find a way to help the courts understand an angry ex can reck a lot of havoc on the family left behind. Perhaps if we found a way of tempering the vengeful partner more families could move on as brilliantly as you have.
Any ideas?
Sharon Zarozny, Founder
www.brilliantexits.com
brilliantexits.wordpress.com
To the comment that if you can be friends, you could have made it work, clearly not the case. After divorce and healing, you can look at things from a different perspective. I can tolerate traits in some friends that I would not in a spouse. It's simply a different perspective.
For some reason, this is easier to do when it's not your spouse. And there are other exes who, regardless of how much time has passed, they will not forgive, forget or move on. They continue to let the divorce be the story they identify themselves by.
I don't believe that the goal has to be for people to like each other following divorce, but if you have children, you really do need to make an effort to be civil given that you'll be at graduations and weddings and other family events together, no doubt.
One of my acquaintances recently left her husband for another man. She said her husband was "boring". She admitted that he was a very good father to their two small children, a good provider with an excellent income, didn't cheat, wasn't abusive, didn't use drugs, drink or even smoke. He's well educated and a very attractive man, but he wouldn't take her out enough, didn't like dancing, and she felt "like a princess in an ivory tower". She complained that he was a "nerd" because he enjoyed writing computer programs.
When I told a young (20-something) co-worker about this, she said, "Well, we only have one life, so we deserve to make it a happy one." Solipsism at its finest.
I wonder why they couldn't work out their problems (which actually seem minor) before devastating their little ones with the divorce. I just don't get it.