Weight Loss and the Question of Unfairness

The unfairness issue crops up often among chronic dieters: "It's unfair that everyone gets to eat whatever they want [and only I have to limit myself]." Aside from being erroneous, this sabotaging thought is unhelpful because it leads dieters to feel resentful and deprived and makes it more likely that they will stray from their diet.

But another thought is equally damaging. It occurs when dieters find that they either can't achieve or maintain the amount of weight loss they want. Often they desire to be the same weight as their thinnest friend or family member or a celebrity whose appearance they admire. But few are able to reach this goal. Why? Because to do so they would have to eat in a way that they would be unable to keep up for life. Even if they do get down to as low a weight as they wish, they rarely stay there because they are unable to sustain such a low-calorie level. And as soon as they raise their calorie level, they start to gain weight back.

Their sabotaging thought? "It's so unfair that I can't be as thin as I want." This idea brings them significant emotional pain. Often they are preoccupied by a sense of unfairness. Instead of being proud that they were able to lose and maintain some weight loss, they feel a great injustice. "I worked so hard, and I have to continue to work just to stay at this weight [which is unsatisfactory to me.]" How sad that they feel so negatively, when to lose weight at all is such an accomplishment.

I often say to them, "Yes, you're right. It is unfair, but it seems to me like the greatest unfairness is for you to suffer for even one more day because of this terribly painful idea that you have that you have to be thinner -- an idea that makes you obsess, that makes you unhappy with yourself, that creates a negative frame of mind, that doesn't give you peace with yourself."

I often give them the following analogy: It's like someone who's a good runner who says, "I have to make it to the Olympics." He becomes obsessed with running, he's unhappy with himself, he doesn't have good peace of mind, and so on. Maybe he's a good guy and doesn't deserve to suffer, but he does suffer because he has the realistic expectation that he should be able to make it to the Olympics. And on top of it, instead of accepting the fact that he just isn't built to be a world-class runner, he's preoccupied with the idea that it's unfair, which makes him feel deprived and a little bitter and puts a negative edge on much of his day-to-day experience.

Of course, there is lots more we talk about in terms of fairness. (For example, by and large, many dieters have unfairly positive lives compared to many other people in the world.) But this initial discussion, which implies that dieters have some control over their suffering, via their thinking, is an important start.

 

 

 

Follow Judith S. Beck, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/beckinstitute

Comments

[french queen13]

08:22 PM on 04/19/2011

Good article. It is skewed to think "I should be X weight" or "I should look like this" without taking any matters like one's build, height and so on into consideration. It's also a very good point that being in a position to diet automatically implies an abundance of food (crappy food maybe, but still food). That's something people should consider ... although I am reminded of that idiotic statement Mariah Carey made years ago, envying starving children for their thinness.

Typo alert - "but he does suffer because he has the realistic expectation that he should be able to make it to the Olympics." "Unrealistic" I think is the word here! :)

[Jean Fain, L.I.C.S.W., M.S.W.]

06:08 PM on 04/19/2011

I agree with Ranveig! When you take a kinder, gentler, more trusting view of yourself, unfairness is a non-issue. Rather, it's only natural to nourish your body and make your way to your healthy, sustainable weight.
Jean Fain, author of "The Self-Compassion Diet"

[William Anderson LMHC]

08:35 PM on 04/19/2011

It is a wonderful thing to become more loving and trusting of yourself, but when you keep overeating and gaining, even though you've become gentle and forgiving of yourself, there is still that pesky obesity problem. Unfairness is a non-issue if you think of it in a healthy way. I thank God I was able to solve my obesity problem, but becoming compassionate and adopting unconditional positive self regard was only a piece of the puzzle, as was accepting the unfairness of things, and hence, no longer a problem that could not be transcended. Let's agree on teaching compassion and health, body, mind, and spirit, and I'll bet there's a lot more we agree on!

[William Anderson LMHC]

06:43 PM on 04/18/2011

My clients take a great deal of pride and satisfaction in becoming able to attain and maintain a desired weight despite having an "unfairly" low metabolic rate. For them, the alternative to learning how to live with a low calorie regimen is to eat what they previously thought was fair and gain weight as long as they live. Eating what they thought was fair not only makes them gain, but gain continuously, with no end in sight! Once they have decided to accept the reality of the "unfairness" and decided which outcome they'd like, most chose to learn how to live on less, having decided not to accept being overweight anymore. Then they feel quite good about themselves, thinking, "I am able to be successful even though the deck is stacked against me." They become not only a happy weight, but they become champions. Your dad is one of my heroes, and I have a lot to thank him for; his teaching led to a lot of the technique that is incorporated in my weight loss program, successful now for over twenty-five years. Please read my book, 'The Anderson Method', and take a look at my work at www.TheAndersonMethod.com

[jf12]

05:47 PM on 04/18/2011

Not to sound too smug, but it is easy to lose weight by eating less. It's cheaper too, than eating a lot. Sure, some people are less prone to temptation, but that's true of other issues besides food. Although some people consider their having an appetite to be special, it's actually true of everyone including animals.

[b4pangea]

07:09 PM on 04/18/2011

If it were easy for everyone, everyone would be thin.

[jf12]

10:03 PM on 04/18/2011

It is always, technically, easier to not do something. It is always easier to not eat. What is difficult is to choose not to eat, when you can also choose to overeat. Hence, you should practice it so it becomes easier. It is easy to practice not eating, as long as you tell yourself you're just practicing.

[William Anderson LMHC]

07:44 AM on 04/19/2011

You are right. The reality is that 70% of us are overweight and 34% are obese, and all of them would be fit if it were easy. No one wants to be fat. Read my book, 'The Anderson Method', about how to succeed at permanent weight loss and help reverse the obesity epidemic.

[Ranveig Elvebakk]

04:52 PM on 04/18/2011

Life is unfair as long as we diet,white-knuckle and and count the days. If we would understand that there is no "diet', only how we treat ourselves, we would have a better internal conversation and we could start choosing better because we are worth it!