If you are a parent planning to divorce, you will need the best advice you can get on preparing your children--and yourself--for the breakup and for making post-divorce plans. You will probably want to modify your plans as children grow and you and your ex remarries, so you need advice both for now and the likely future.
Although bookstores are awash with advice books for divorcing parents, divorce is no walk in the park, regardless of what "happy talk" writers want you to believe, nor does it lead to tragedy. It is an attempt to solve a serious problem that will require courage, intelligence, and time. So you might as well draw on all that we know to make it work for you and your children. Actually only a few advice books are based on solid knowledge of how children and adolescents respond to the breakup and how they change during the years that follow. I recommend here only books that are based on sound psychological research, that cover the breakup and its aftermath for children at different ages, and that read easily and have been rated very highly by readers.
Divorce is a legal issue. State laws and policies vary, local courts differ. I strongly recommend that you begin by seeking consultation from a well-qualified family attorney who can inform you of your rights and the court policies that will apply to you and your children. Since child support ends in most states when the child reaches age 18, I also suggest that you include financial support for college in your divorce agreement.
|
Post a Comment
From:"Grandma Hilda" .
Many “happy talk†books offer suggestions that parents try but meet with failure. Some suggestions, while idealistic, are unrealistic. Common advice: do not badmouth the other parent in front of the child, or if your ex-spouse is difficult, use an “I†message. Divorce Poison offers sound advice for parents who are out of “I†messages and out of ideas. When an ex-spouse refuses to co-parent and believes the child is a friend and sounding board, an unholy alignment will form.
Initially divorce is a legal issue. But, this legal issue often becomes a mental health issue. It becomes a mental health issue when a child is taught to hate a once-loved parent. The outcome may lead to years of suffering and a lifetime of loss. Studies indicate that in some cases the relationship is severed. Sadly, the loss frequently extends past a child’s eighteenth birthday.
Having one parent refuse to acknowledge that the marriage has ended for the other party (though terribly painful and brave) is not a loss of a civil right. It's a personal family dynamic.
Keeping the conflict low is what should be the mission, and if that means allowing one parent to move out of the marriage vs. battling in court, then perhaps that's what some would choose to do.
No one has the right to say they must be given the right to fight in court to protect their children. It's not only unfair to put that onto other people, it may not make much sense.
I would say that several of the books you suggest have an unfortunate bent. E.Marquardt, for example, brings forth the views of the Institute for American Values. I would not say this is sound psychological work, but rather the book you list appears to be a personal narrative. That's fine for those looking to explore what some who've been touched by divorce have to say. However, the only true experts on what happens in their own families are people themselves, and it doesn't come from shelling out 20 bucks or so for a book. It's informed by our own experiences, family dynamics, personalities, hopes, dreams, and personal values.
People should be narrating their own stories and learn to trust that they are themselves the only experts they should be listening to.
"Although Judith Wallerstein's research on children with divorced parents has been influential, many quantitative family scholars have criticized her methods and conclusions. Wallerstein claims that children with divorced parents often reach adulthood as psychologically troubled individuals who find it difficult to maintain stable and satisfying relationships with others. Consistent with Wallerstein's claims, quantitative research suggests that parental divorce increases the risk of experiencing psychological problems, having a discordant marriage, seeing one's own marriage end in divorce, and having weak ties to parents (especially fathers) in adulthood. The accumulated evidence, however, reveals that the estimated effects of divorce are not as strong as Wallerstein appears to claim. "
On the issue of legal (family) contracts – this is not limited to divorce. In my estimation – marriage- (cohabitation) and having children - each is a legal contract that can have devastating consequences to all parities when parents are not aware of this. More education and awareness about this issue may help prevent international family litigation.
Mary Damianakis
http://www.ncsl.org/default.aspx?tabid=16441
In addition, if enrolled in college then in most states extended child support (note: not college support) is required.
Find an older coouple that has gone through troublesome times and chose to stay together, if you want some wise advice.
One book that was completely invaluable to me during the acrimony of my divorce was "Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex" by Richarrd A. Warshak. I still keep a copy available and refer to it often when I have to deal with the nonsense my ex tells our children. As the years since our divorce have gone on, her claims, attacks on my character, and attempts to alienate our children to me have continued unabated. This book has really helped me deal with the day-to-day frustrations of coping with her mental abuse of our children. Hopefully, it has made me a more stable parent and better able to remove them from the middle of things (where they should never have been to begin with).
Like the Kids' Turn program, it offers tools and solutions to difficulties parents might encounter while the family reorganizes. Since we know separating parents need encouragement and reminders to stay engaged with their parenting, this book really helps them keep their focus.
Claire N. Barnes, MA
Executive Director, Kids' Turn
www.kidsturn.org
Elyse Jacobs
Program Director
Kids' Turn
reduces parent conflict
reduces parent alienation
reduces internalization of negative behaviors by children.
The entire evaluation write up offering empirical evidence for hope for separating families can be found at:
http://devpsych.sfsu.edu/Cookstonpapers/KT%20writeup%20090717%20SUBMITTED.doc
Claire N. Barnes, MA
Executive Director
Kids' Turn
www.kidsturn.org