Parenting changes after divorce. Often it's harder. In a good marriage -- yes, there are some of those -- parenting is nourished by the sexual intimacy, the pillow talk, the support of the extended families, and the presence of the kids who keep things humming. But it's different after divorce when Mom is frazzled from trying to make it financially, take care of her children, and at the same time, make new friends, and -- with any luck -- find a new partner who can provide some of the sex and excitement she has been missing. It's also different for Dad, who wants to spend time with his children, go to the gym or the ball game and also wants to meet a new woman who will make him feel like he used to feel or wants to feel. And to top it off, the kids are only there part of the time and you have no idea what goes on when they visit the other parent, unless they kindly decide to tell you. It's an altogether different scenario. You don't believe how tired and cranky you are and how short your temper is with the kids, who are just as bewildered as you and just as cranky.
Of course, if you welcomed the divorce and already have a great job that brings you into contact with men and women in your age group and pays well, life can be much more relaxed. Or if you have a committed ex who really helps, or an available Mom or sister who can willingly provide hands-on help, then you are blessed. But if you are feeling overwhelmed like most divorced parents, then you need to take some deep breaths and prepare for a big transition. This is what they don't talk about. Attorneys will tell you about property division, if you happen to still have any. Mediators and counselors will talk about making nice with your ex. But what is most important for your children is to maintain your parenting.
At the start, have a heart-to-heart talk with your children. Tell them that things are going to be pretty confused for a while but that you are trying your best to straighten them out and get the family running smoothly. Tell them you will need their help and they are going to have to be brave so you can help each other.
Then be very specific about what needs to be done and who will do it. Include your own responsibilities. Write it down and hang it in the kitchen. In one scenario, you will look for a place to live. In another, you may need to work some evenings or even weekends. While you look for a new place, the kids need to keep the home neat. There are household chores to be divided, meal preparation and clean up, laundry, feeding the dog, etc. Don't forget to include nights off for mama -- very important. Also include rewards. Plan holidays out with movies and special prizes for everyone. The same advice holds for Dad, especially if joint custody is awarded. Like much of parenting, it's not easy but the rewards are worth it. Eventually it gets easier.
For detailed advice about how to parent during and after divorce, see Judith Wallerstein & Sandra Blakeslees' "What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During and After Divorce" (2003) Hyperion. New York
Kudos - you really are ZeBestBlonde!
You don't get as much one-on-one time with your children individually.
During the marriage I would have the option to bring one child or the other with me for various trips, treks, excursions -- while the other remained with my then wife.
The most I get to do now is maybe take a short/10-minute walk around the subdivision with one child while the other is at home (alone).
A complication in the context of the divorce has been that my ex-wife is emotionally manipulative of the children. She will literally tell one of our daughters that "daddy likes your sister more than you" or "daddy doesn't care about you". It has created a challenging dynamic where the girls -- one of them in particular -- watch me almost constantly for "signs" of favoritism even though there is no favoritism.
Any thoughts ... ideas?
My point is that sometimes children need one-on-one time with a parent and in a divorce situation it is more difficult to get one-on-one time with your children.
I think gender is slowly making its way out of the 'custody' equation...it's still there, but the dads and moms of today, for the most part, are both equally able to raise their children.
They may also see worry that they are losing the parent who moved out of the house and hold on even more tightly to the parent who remains. They may idealize the noncustodial parent. And most likely they'll have fantasies of their parents getting back together. Sadly, they'll also feel responsible for dissolution of the marriage.
Empathize with them and comfort them. Don't try to get them to see your perspective.
Disengage from conflicts with their other parent
Support the other parent, make it clear that they should love and respect the other parent. Don't let them play one against the other.
Make the transitions as easy as possible: low key, no demands, give them space to reconnect in their own time, maybe ritualize it. As they get older you may be able to point out the rollercoaster: for instance, of first being lovey dovey happy to be home and together, then angry that they can't be with both parents together, then chafing against adjusting to rules and expectations.
Help them make peace with the new family structure. It's crucial to get along well with their other parent. If you can express affection for her or him, then you can also help your child sort through her or his own feelings. But if they pick up on your lingering resentments, it's almost impossible to have an open and trusting way to deal with it.
#1 reason women Get divorced? They Didn't Live on their Own BEFORE getting Married to appreciate Married Life..and not living at Home with Mommy and Daddy either..
I never got sterious with a Woman unless she was Out On her Own for at least a Yr or 2..
There is little advice out there for the full-time single parent either. Not all of us even asked for primary custody. To be honest, if you have the kids all the time, you either decide not to date until the kids are grown or invite dates over even though the kids are there. To me it looks as if I won't be going out until the youngest is off for college....Sorry no time off for mom here.
Maybe I made bad choices when I was younger and deserve to be where I am. Trust me I get a lot of that.
All I am saying is that there is little support or advice out there for people who are just trying to keep their heads above water. Much of the advice doesn't address some of the complexities that go beyond: Just do it. We all know that is just a marketing slogan.
Talk warmly about your ex. Reminisce about past fun experiences. Point out the stellar qualities that your child shares with your ex. Help put any complaints the child has about the other parent in perspective. Help them learn to forgive and to accept human limitations. Make sure they know that they don't need to choose one parent over the other: you each bring important qualities to your parenting. But also let them know you want them to be close to the other parent.
A presumption of joint custody could go a long way toward that goal. States with a preference for joint custody have lower divorce rates:
"This paper compares divorce rate trends in the United States in states that encourage joint physical custody (shared parenting) with those in states that favor sole custody. States with high levels of joint physical custody awards (over 30%) in 1989 and 1990 have shown significantly greater declines in divorce rates in following years through 1995, compared with other states."
http://www.proactivechange.com/divorce/statistics/research-rates.htm
Children need stability and spitting up their time in two warring households undermines their ability to heal following the breakup of their family.