Do the Clintons Feel Our Pain, or Do They Cause It?

That's the question that Clintonisms: The Amusing, Confusing and Suspect Musing of Billary attempts to answer.

Dating back to the 1960s and through both their runs for the highest office in the land, CLINTONISMS juxtaposes Hillary and Bill's (Billary's) own words with comedic pre-punchlines, providing a hilarious, ironic, surprising and shocking ride through four decades of the most controversial political couple in American history.

Learn what it was like for Bill and Chelsea to go through puberty together, whether Socks the Cat will be re-adopted to the position of First Prop, and why the Clintons insist on pedigree dogs when they all end up the same in the end. Flat.

Enjoy these excerpts -- along with some bonus current Clintonisms -- from what's being called the handbook to the 'sport' of Clinton:

Tell That to Mother Teresa
"The only way to make a difference is to acquire power."
-- Hillary Clinton, in her senior year of college

Keepin' it Unreal
"It feels like coming home."
-- Bill Clinton, while strolling through Harlem, February 2001

Or On Me
"My husband may have his faults, but he has never lied to me."
-- Hillary Clinton

I'm Just Sayin'
"The 22nd Amendment should probably be modified to say two consecutive terms instead of two terms for a lifetime."
-- Bill Clinton

Besides, his Sex Life is None of my Business
"He ministers to troubled people all the time... If you knew his mother you would understand."
-- Hillary Clinton, to Sidney Blumenthal, about Bill's relationship with Monica Lewinsky

I Would Stand Instead
"I promised myself when I left the presidency that I would not spend one day sitting and moping and wishing I was still president."
-- Bill Clinton, to Fortune magazine

Also the First Jewish President, Apparently
"If Iraq came across the Jordan River... I would grab a rifle and get in the trench and fight and die [defending Israel]."
-- Bill Clinton, Hadassah-Wizo Organization fundraiser, Toronto, July 30, 2002

Probably Because you Forgot to Tip Her Again
"Everywhere I go, I meet people who either have been or are about to lose their home -- 85,000 homes in foreclosure in Texas, 90,000 in Ohio. I've met the families: the hairdresser, the single mom who's going to lose her home..."
-- Hillary Clinton, Austin Democratic Debate, Feb. 21, 2008

People, There are Cheaper Ways to Get Rid of a Dog; I did it Twice
"We're also going to put much tougher standards in place so that people cannot import toys with lead paint [or] contaminated pet food...into our market."
-- Hillary Clinton, Austin Democratic Debate, Feb. 21, 2008

And Still it was in Better Condition than She Left the White House
"You know, just this week...we have had our embassy set on fire in Serbia."
-- Hillary Clinton, Austin Democratic Debate, Feb. 21, 2008

Or My Husband's
"Well, I think that if your candidacy is going to be about words, then they should be your own words."
-- Hillary Clinton criticizing Barack Obama's "borrowed" speech, Austin Democratic Debate, Feb. 21, 2008

Bill Clinton, January 20, 1993 Inauguration Speech: "There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America."

Hillary Clinton, April 2007, Premature Inauguration Speech:"There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be fixed by what is right about America."

Think Hillary in Bosnia was Fun? Check her out in Kosovo
"[A]n amazing scene I witnessed one night in the autumn of 1999 while watching CNN. The Clintons were in Kosovo...sitting and chatting with a refugee child. Television cameras were burring away, but then a print cameraman leaned down with his Nikon. Bill Clinton noticed him -- I saw it. And at that point he moved his head close to the first lady's, so that their heads touched as they looked soulfully, together, at the poor children. It was -- there is no other phrase for it -- cringe-making.
-- Peggy Noonan, The Case Against Hillary Clinton

Still Miss the Clinton Era? Vote for Knut the Bear!
"Knut the polar bear has turned from a cuddly cub into a publicity-addicted psycho, one of his keepers claimed yesterday. Markus Roebke said Berlin Zoo's celebrity animal was obsessed with the limelight and howled with rage when denied an audience...'He is addicted to the whole show, the human adulation. It is not healthy. He actually cries out or whimpers if he sees that there is not a spectator outside his enclosure ready to ooh and aah at him.'"
-- UK Daily Mail, March 27, 2008

Sound Familiar?
"Ex-President Bill Clinton may be seeing a psychiatrist in an effort to adjust to private life, a report out of Chicago suggests...[S]ince leaving the White House, Clinton is having a difficult time coping with life out of the spotlight."
-- Carl Limbacher, Jr., Newsmax magazine, September 2002

Try Fish. Polar Bears Love Fish
"All of this would be touching if their hunger, their human if outsized hunger, could be met in some private way. But it has to be met, each day, and fed by our country. Which makes their private plight our public problem."
-- Peggy Noonan, The Case Against Hillary Clinton

Can Eliot Spitzer Recommend Someone?
"The suggestion is that this guy is in terrible trouble mentally and psychologically and is a completely hollow narcissist and egomaniac. And he thinks that the best therapy for it is being President. My view is that presidential therapy hasn't worked for him and shouldn't have been tried. But he certainly does need professional help."
-- Christopher Hitchens, WOR Radio, April 1999

Comedian Julia Gorin is author of the new title Clintonisms: The Amusing, Confusing, and Suspect Musing of Billary. On sale at bookstores and online now.