THE BLOG
07/20/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Playboy--What About Meeeee!

Like the conservatives and liberals alike who were outraged by Playboy.com's hate-sex fantasies about Republican women this month, I also took exception to Guy Cimbalo's immediately-pulled piece "So Right It's Wrong."

After all, why wasn't I included?

Nothing says too fat and not famous enough like being excluded from the angry-sex fantasies of a liberal who despises conservative women. I mean, I'm the most famous conservative female comedian in the country, by virtue of being the only conservative female comedian in the country.

Yes, the piece was in poor taste and yes, the outrage by the women he reviles and defiles in his mind was warranted. But as far as comedy for a porn mag goes, it was a legitimate bit. And, I daresay, it contained some real laughs. I mean, ZILF--"Zionist I'd Like to F**k"--about my pal Pamela Geller, was brilliant. And the Michelle Malkin "get-off-my-lawn stare" was hilarious. (Don't worry, Guy--she's not nice to conservatives either.)

In case you thought there was nothing that can top the poor taste of Cimbalo's inaccurately dubbed "rape fantasies", let me try.

I understand how Amanda Carpenter, Megyn Kelly, Dana Perino and the others feel, but imagine how it feels to not even be on a Repub-hating liberal's radar.

As one 70 year-old Greek-accented man trying to molest me when I was almost 18 explained: "You should be happy that people wanna to touch you. It mean you young, you beautiful. When you old, nobody gonna wanna touch you--and you gonna miss it."

Well I'm not old yet, but I did put on 50 pounds since getting married and have therefore kept a low profile as far as the camera goes. But I didn't know it would come at the price of being out-hotted by the plain likes of Mary Katharine Ham! Of course, Ann Coulter wasn't included either, though I suspect that has more to do with Cimbalo feeling that she's already overexposed, which is probably the same reason he also excluded Sarah Palin.

But somehow Cimbalo figured out that after hate-sex or rape with me, I wouldn't be the one having nightmares afterwards.

Ah, I remember the good old days--when I was still one of few prominent conservative women in the media, and the rape offers were coming in regularly. I saved most of them with my old love letters.

But this Guy sure knows how to hurt a girl's self-esteem--especially since I'm the only one out of all these babes to have had a Penthouse spread. OK, so it was entirely of my jokes plus me with my clothes on, but still.

This all reminds me of the time last year when I was left out of a shocking calendar put out by the Clare Boothe Luce Institute, titled "Conservative Leading Ladies: Pretty in Mink". As if liberals didn't already hate us for enough wrong reasons (yes, some of your reasons are wrong, people), these 12 yentas had to go and confirm liberal stereotypes that conservatives like to kill small animals. (Though liberal hands aren't clean on this either. As one very lib son of a furrier, and ex-boyfriend--who only liked "angry sex" but found my Republicanism "cute" and therefore couldn't get it up--said: "Julia, they're rodents--RODENTS!")

Still, why wasn't I called for the shoot? Since I've been hiding, the Clare Boothe people couldn't have known just how much weight I've gained. (I went from being compared to Isabella Rossellini, to being compared to Ricki Lake, who now weighs less than I do.) Anyway, I would have declined the shoot, then immediately called PETA to offer to do one of their "I'd rather go naked than wear fur" ads: "EVEN I would rather wear just my oversize ass than kill enough animals to cover it."

While the institute's namesake, Clare Boothe Luce, was born in 1903 and can be forgiven for having animals tortured and killed on her behalf, in this day and age there's no excuse to be part of something like that. This alone would have made Cimbalo's hate-sex fantasies understandable.

Plus, everyone knows--though not everyone admits--that angry sex is generally better, something both Coulter and I can attest to, since we've both dated liberals. (Those are the boys you date but don't bring home to your father.)

Well this is what I get for liking chocolate more than sex. Speaking of chocolate, I do have to fault the writer for the racial homogeneity of his hate-sex selections. How did Fox News contributor Angela McGlowan escape his notice? And what about Star Parker? (No, Malkin's racial diversity does not count, since men naturally have a thing for Asian chicks already.)

Anyway, I'm sure Guy didn't mean to hurt my feelings. Although I was once beautiful and fit, I've since realized that there are more important things in life than having nice assets for the enemy to covet. Such as Entenmann's Double Fudge Cake.