10/03/2011 01:14 am ET | Updated Dec 02, 2011

I Can't Believe It's Not Real Advertising

Somewhere deep in my twisted imagination lives an advertising executive. An industry legend cloistered away high in his corner office on Madison Avenue. He is an elderly marketing oracle in a fedora and a sharkskin suit. When modern day Mad Men get stuck for a concept, they consult him. They bring gifts of Cuban cigars and single malt and Perry Cuomo records. And they are never disappointed. For this man is the (imaginary) genius behind the two most awesome and memorable ad campaigns in the history of ever.

"I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" and "Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific".

That's right. Because naming a product with a random descriptive sentence is BRILLIANT. And as I am currently surrounded with the sticky miasma of a million children's toys and baby products, it occurs to me that they all need to be re-named by this genius of a man. Except let's pretend that he's now slightly senile and therefore brutally honest.

Here are some examples:

New Names for Kids Products