How does your ex make you angry? "How much time do I have?" you ask. The list is probably detailed, extensive and, quite frankly, repetitive. In fact, the dozen or more daily offenses perpetrated by your ex are most likely duplicated ad nauseam until you feel like screaming, "We've done this! We've been through this! Are you stupid?"
Breaking out of a cycle with an uncooperative ex feels absolutely impossible. Time and again, co-parents complain that their ex talks about them behind their back to the kids, sabotages school meetings, buys tremendous amounts of unnecessary stuff in an attempt to win the children's favor, lets the kids stay up too late, etc.
"He won't ever get it." "She's always been like this." "My ex is stuck and just won't change," you may say. But does this mean that you have to resign yourself to this frustrating and unproductive cycle? The answer is "no" and here's why:
All behavior is a form of communication. When your ex shows up late or arrives right on time, for that matter, he or she is communicating through that action. And this communication isn't one sided because one person's actions usually trigger a reaction from the other person. Like the old saying goes, "It takes two to tango."
Now that may seem unfair and you can rail against it if you want. But while your ex's communication and behaviors may not be your fault, it doesn't mean they're not your problem. Hostile, vengeful communication and passive aggressive or thoughtless behavior hurt your children and your children are your problem -- or at least, they are your responsibility. This means that regardless of the immature, persistent behavior of your ex, it's your duty to change your part of the tango.
Now before you throw up your hands in hopeless dismay, be assured that taking responsibility for changing your behavior and letting go of your ex's behavior (which you can't change) is a powerful, life-altering transformation. You will feel more in control and better about yourself and your divorce situation. And it's also not as difficult as you might think.
The first thing to know is that taking the high road pays off. People who behave in mature, respectful, cooperative ways with their ex (in spite of their ex's poor behavior) consistently find that when the kids grow up they know the score. Children have finely tuned radar, and they ultimately know who tried to buy them off and who was really there for them. From an early age, they're clear that the unkind things one parent said about the other are untrue, and they feel closer to the parent who acted like an adult. The bottom line: It may take some time, but the high road in your divorce is worth it.
The second thing to know is that cyclical behavior can be changed by one person. Ask yourself which part of your behavior in the conflicts with your ex is repetitive. For example, maybe she texts you twelve times a day to complain about something and you take the time to respond to each text. Ask yourself: which part of that can I change? Maybe you could set one time a day to text her back and answer all of her questions then. Or maybe he's consistently late picking up your daughter on his visitation days. Ask yourself: What could I do differently? Maybe you could make the pick-up time earlier than you actually want him to come or perhaps you could drop off your daughter at his house instead of him coming to yours. Or, these suggestions may not work for you -- but it doesn't mean that there isn't something that will work. The trick lies in thinking positively and creatively and not allowing yourself to get stuck in the repetitive cycle.
To that end, work on not getting stuck in negative thoughts, too. Things like, "That will never work," "There's nothing I can do about that," "I've tried that and it didn't work," preclude the positive thinking of change.
Thinking creatively and communicating or behaving differently than you have in the past are empowering principles that can enact permanent, lasting change in your divorce relationship. "Let me try something else," "I'm sure I can figure something out," "That didn't work, but it doesn't mean something else won't -- I'll try again," will turn you around, push you forward, and steer you on that higher road.
One final and very important note: If your ex is physically or psychologically abusive towards you or your children, it's time to get outside help. That's another way to break out of the cycle. Call an abuse hotline, call a therapist, call a friend, call your lawyer, call the police. Abuse of any kind is not okay.
The wanting motivates us to move into the boxing ring to fight for ourselves. However, the reality is every time we step into the ring we lose. By virtue of participating in the game, we lose the very power we wish to claim.
The ultimate revenge, if you want to look at it this way, is to live as if your truth never needs defending: Stay above the fighting mentality. Refuse to enter the ring. In the moment will this choice calm the anger you feel about the injustice? Probably not. What we need to hold onto during the moment of choice is this: the wrong-doer is playing a game. She feeds off the energy of the game. She finds the purpose of her life inside the game. Turn your back on the boxing ring and there is no game.
Without a game what is there? An empty ring. A lone fighter standing in the dark. In your absence, the fighter is left alone to face the cold shadows of herself. When I envision the fighter alone in a dark ring, stripped of her cause, my anger subsides and I feel sadness for her.
Carrie www.thelifeshop.co
The real reason one of them is always arrested is to protect the local government from being sued for negligence. This CYA policy can be effected by anyone who picks up a telephone; dials 911;and then hangs up. No words need be spoken. The police will arrive in 10-20 minutes and take the least innocent (presumably the male) away. After being released from jail, he must find a place to live and cannot have any contact with his family.
The caller makes the mistake of utilizing the government to resolve marital issues. The extra cost of now maintaining two residences, legal fees, court costs coupled with the anger,embarrassment and other penalties (discharge from employment, deportation for legal immigrants) are much more than the caller ever imagined.
Excellent advice - unless you are a male.
Currently, police and child agencies are trained to AUTOMATICALLY arrest the male in any domestic violence situation (Duluth Model) Even men who have been stabbed by their ex's have been arrested.
Males have to be extremely careful when dealing with hostile ex-wives. You must be prepared to take blow after blow, insult after insult, and not react. Never, never react. Don't feed her anger or engage in insults. Avoid all contact whenever possible.
I found that a video/audio recorder, clearly positioned in my pocket, followed by letters to my ex and her attorney informing them that all meetings would be recorded, turned the tide. With a video record of each altercation, she could no longer afford to be abusive.
It made all the difference in the world.
In any event, well done ... great thinking.
It is a mighty lonely trek on the high road when you are trying to disentangle from a vengeful and/or greedy and/or personality-disordered divorcing/divorced spouse.
In my case the ex-wife's attorney immediately called to complain, and I ignored him, told him I would be taping every child exchange.
The ex-wife clearly was livid, but held her tongue from then on. I used it for about two years, and I was then able to discontinue it.
This did not end her court complaints, but did make child exchanges tolerable which was a big benefit to all.
I think it would work for high conflict people of both sexes - most of the time abusive people do not want the world to see them as they really are.
1. You can't make your ex the parent you want him or her to me.
2. Don't ventilate small issues in the courts.
3. Try to be flexible.
4. Be careful with friends, family, or your lawyer if they tell you you need to be tougher, more assertive, etc. People tend to tell divorce people what they want to hear particularly if they are getting paid.
5. If you have to go to court, keep it clear and simple, and be ready to compromise.
6. Don't fight in front of your children or tell them of the other spouse's failings even if you are right.
7. Try not to let your new spouse get involved with problems particularly those involving children. Don't make it harder on your kids than it already is.
8. Remember that a good relationship with both parents will help a child succeed.
When my 14 year marriage ended, my children were only 2, 4 and 8. They are now 11, 13 and 17, and every time I meet with their teachers, they say how they cannot believe how grounded, happy and well adjusted my kids are... not only as kids in general, but especially compared to most kids who grow up in a split or blended family situation.
So far, refusing to battle with my ex and his new wife has paid off. My kids are happy, smart, well adjusted and love both parents.
The difficulty is, that even though I know I have done the right thing and "stood down" almost every single time my ex tried to engage me in battle and I refuse to fight, even my friends get frustrated with me that I do not react aggressively. Society is conditioned to believe that if you "give in", or don't "fight back", you are a pushover, a door mat or just plain weak. It takes more courage to refrain from engaging in petty battles with your ex. It seems impossible not to defend yourself or fight back, but the bottom line is, when kids are involved, you simply should. No matter what.
ALWAYS do what is best for them.