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Julie Farby

Julie Farby

Posted: September 16, 2009 04:05 PM

No-Name Bush Speechwriter's "Tell-All" Magnum Opus Will Save Journalism!

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Some speechwriter for George W. Bush you've never heard of named Matt Latimer, who had the joy -- no, the privilege -- of serving El Presidente numero 43 during the tail-end of his eight-year term screwing America from behind, is giving the nation a much anticipated behind-the-scenes glimpse into the total disintegration of the Bush White House in its final days as it dealt with the 2008 presidential race, the Wall Street collapse, and a host of other problems it had not the faintest clue how to solve.

Of course, this mid-level White House wordsmith is clearly the only one to know anything about the inner-workings of the Bush White House (more even than the man himself), since he worked in the White House turning nonsensical ideas into coherent sentences and witty sound-bytes for Fox News to run on repeat during the President's final 22 months. That's almost two years!

Which was more than enough time for Matt Latimer to realize his dreams of going to Washington to usher in the next Reagan Revolution wasn't going to happen with a president who'd rather put whoopee cushions on chairs in the West Wing than have a serious discussion about the economic meltdown consuming the nation.

In 2007 I finally made it to the Bush White House as a presidential speechwriter. But it was not at all what I envisioned. It was less like Aaron Sorkin's The West Wing and more like The Office. After watching Karl Rove's bizarre farewell to White House staffers and hearing the president dismiss the conservative movement I believed in ("I know it sounds arrogant to say," he told me, "but I redefined the Republican Party"), I thought I could muddle through till the end. Washington might not have been the city I had dreamed of, but I figured things couldn't get much worse.

Spoiler alert: He's wrong. They do! But before all hell breaks loose, this VIP White House insider got just enough juicy tidbits to ensure his post-Dubya days wouldn't be spent toiling away in shameful obscurity but as a full-fledged celebrity. We're talking Levi Johnston level star here!

Exciting, little-known morsels of fun -- like how even as he was shoring up his case to win the worst president ever award, George W. Bush still found time for the important stuff like making everyone laugh with his unique blend of wit and charm, despite capitalism as we know it crashing down around him.

To look like we were doing more, we announced various initiatives, such as assembling an alliance to encourage lenders to renegotiate loans. For a while, the communications guys -- Ed Gillespie and Kevin Sullivan -- wanted the president to give a toll-free number for Americans to call for assistance with their mortgages. I thought that was embarrassing, as if George W. Bush were Jerry Lewis.

Yeah, cause that's what's embarrassing about his presidency.

Wanna know something else? Much like our soon-to-be-famous new friend and journalist extraordinaire Matt Latimer, Dubya didn't much care for any of the available presidential options to replace him in 2008 since none had the special God-given gift of being born a Bush.

The president, like me, didn't seem to be in love with any of the available options. He always believed Hillary Clinton would be the Democratic nominee. "Wait till her fat keister is sitting at this desk," he once said (except he didn't say "keister"). He didn't think much of Barack Obama. After one of Obama's blistering speeches against the administration, the president had a very human reaction: He was ticked off. He came in one day to rehearse a speech, fuming. "This is a dangerous world," he said for no apparent reason, "and this cat isn't remotely qualified to handle it. This guy has no clue, I promise you." He wound himself up even more. "You think I wasn't qualified?" he said to no one in particular. "I was qualified."

Wait, did Dubya just call Obama "this cat?"

The president didn't think much of Joe Biden either. "Dana, did you tell them my line?" the president once asked with a smile on his face. "No, Mr. President," Dana Perino replied hesitantly. "I didn't." He paused for a minute. I could see him thinking maybe he shouldn't say it, but he couldn't resist. "If bullshit was currency," he said straight-faced, "Joe Biden would be a billionaire."

HAHAHAHAHA. OMG, it just doesn't get much better than that. For reals! Bush also considered Sarah Palin to be one of the biggest idiots he'd ever met, not counting all those A-holes in Congress he always had to go in front of and say big words to. "This woman is being put into a position she is not even remotely prepared for," he said. "She hasn't spent one day on the national level. Neither has her family. Let's wait and see how she looks five days out."

There's a bunch more stuff about how Bush didn't like McCain either, mostly because McCain refused to be seen with Bush and spent the last year or so bashing his administration, which made things kinda awkward, but heck, anything was better than having some crazy Dem in office. Cause then everyone would know how much Bush sucked and that wouldn't be good for him or the Republican party he helped destroy. So that was that.

Thank you Matt Latimer for doing the whole world a favor and proving once and for all that Mike Huckabee was all wrong about journalism being a rotting, maggot infested corpse of lies and misinformation.

The fourth estate is alive and well my friend!

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