THE BLOG
03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Obama Uses Well-Placed Jokes, Vague Promises To Cool Off The Gays

Okay, okay, since I guess he has no choice but to squeeze in those pesky, equal rights-seeking gays at some point, what better time than on the heels of his newfound Nobel clout and the Senate's soon-to-pass hate crime legislation that protects who else but the world's favorite rainbow-colored scapegoat, the gays! (P.S. I don't remember George W. Bush ever passing any queer friendly anything, except maybe allowing Mary Cheney on the premises).

On Saturday night, President Barack Obama had the unique privilege of speaking to the nation's largest gay rights group at the Human Rights Campaign dinner, where he addressed all the ways he's failed to help the one community it's still okay to constitutionally neglect.

Although Obama wasn't slated to make any major announcements about "Don't Ask Don't Tell" or the Defense of Marriage Act in his speech--two policies he's totally against, just not enough to actually do anything about them--the President does plan on highlighting "incremental advancements" like acknowledging that gays and lesbians exist and admitting they are not in fact the flamboyant or flannel clad culprits behind 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, the World Trade Center bombing, and all other societal ills.

"Despite the real gains that we've made, there are still laws to change and still hearts to open," Obama told the crowd, adding that discrimination needs to end, "whether in the office or the battlefield."

To those impatient gays and lesbos--who simply cannot wait another second for the same constitutional protections afforded to the rest of the nation--Obama assured them they have a friend in the White House, saying "do not doubt the path we are on or the destination we will reach."

He just has to take care of a couple other things like two wars, a failing economy, health care reform, the environment, immigration, and what to do about First Dog Bo's birthday first. Then, he's all yours!

But some gay activists and other rainbow-mafia types like the Atlantic's Andrew Sullivan are simply not satisfied with empty(?) words and promises, no matter how sincere and charismatic this charming man may be.

Sullivan thinks Obama just needs to do something and he's not talking about appointing a gay ambassador or extending federal benefits--though not the one anyone cares about, health insurance--to spouses of gay and lesbian federal workers. "Until then, Mr. President, why don't you have a nice steaming cup of shut-the-fuck-up?"

Whoa there Sully! But turns out he's not alone in his criticism.

"The administration is caught in a bit of a time warp, and they think it's 1993," said John Aravosis, founder of AmericaBlog. "They're trying to get credit for very B- and C-list moves."

You mean symbolic gestures meant to make the president seem "cool" with gay people--and thereby appeal to moderate mainstream voters -- but don't secure anything substantive or new for gay people are B-and C-list moves?

Doesn't anything satisfy you people? I mean aside from Obama's kick-ass, queer-friendly opener to loosen up the black-tie crowd of about 3,000: "It is a privilege to be here tonight to open for Lady Gaga," the president told the crowd. "I've made it."

Hahahahahahahaha! Ya know, 'cause gays love Lady Gaga (and anyone else who makes Amy Winehouse and Elton John's wardrobe look like it wasn't strewn together by a homeless, color-blind prostitute after a 48-hour meth binge, for that matter).

Either way, Obama's big speech to the gays included the obligatory "unwavering commitment" to achieving equal rights and waxing poetic about how a time will come when relationships between same sex couples are acknowledged as "just as real and admirable" as heterosexual relationships.

Just not this time.

"Many of you don't believe progress is happening. I want to be honest about that because it's important to be honest among friends," he said. "I said this before, I'll repeat it again, it's not important for me to tell you to be patient."

What is important is that you start learning that for yourselves. Now would you all just take a chill-pill please? I mean seriously people!