THE BLOG
11/08/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Higher Power of Those in Power

 
 
For a country founded firmly on the separation of church and state, America's colorful flock of lawmakers and politicians sure know a thing or two about God almighty. Especially when it comes to asking his Holiness for all sorts of favors to help them in their mortal quests (whatever they may be).
 

Like hunky Florida Governor Charlie Crist whose close, personal relationship with God may or may not be what's responsible for keeping Florida safe from hurricanes and other scary storms since he took office in 2006.

Of course, Crist isn't trying to take credit for this miraculous phenomenon or anything (he'll leave that to God), but it just so happens that he's had prayer notes placed in the Western Wall in Jerusalem (the holiest Jewish place in the world!) each year he's been in office and not a single hurricane has dared hit Florida since.

Coincidence? I think not!

"Do you know the last time it was we had a hurricane in Florida?" Crist asked a group of real estate agents. "It's been awhile. In 2007, I took my first trade mission. Do you know where I went?"

To Israel, duh! Where he high-tailed it straight to the Western Wall to insert his personal note to the Creator to save Florida from nature's evil wrath.

"Dear God, please protect our Florida from storms and other difficulties. Charlie."

But that's not it! Every time someone, anyone, he knows goes to Israel, like Sen. Nan Rich last year and "a friend" this year, Charlie gives them a note -- but not just any note, mind you. The SAME note with the SAME prayer as when he first tucked Florida's well-being in her holy cracks back in '07.

"You can do it on the Internet now, but I'd rather have it physically in there," Crist joked. He had decidedly less to say on the one golden rule religious leaders have about how "the note placed between the stones of the Western Wall are between a person and his maker. It is forbidden to read them or make use of them." Ugh, Rabbis can be so particular sometimes!

Who knows God's mysterious ways better than Minnesota's own deranged messenger of divinity, Michele Bachmann, whose presidential hopes depend on none other than the Supreme Being himself?

"If I felt that's what the Lord was calling me to do, I would do it," she said. "When I have sensed that the Lord is calling me to do something, I've said yes to it. But I will not seek a higher office if God is not calling me to do it."

What a gal! But some heretics and godless Democrats say this unstable GOP wonder woman doesn't have a prayer in hell to make it on the national political scene, but then again they don't have a personal relationship with El Savior now do they?

"They want to make sure no women, no woman becomes president before a Democrat woman and so they’re doing everything they can to, I think, sabotage women like Sarah Palin, perhaps women like myself, or similarly situated women, to make sure that we don’t have a prominent national voice."

Hey, no worries Michele. You know better than anyone that God will decide which crazy lady gets to be lady-president first, not a bunch of stupid voters (who know nothing of HIS work anyway).

Just look at Sarah Palin. She's not worried about such small, earthly concerns. Why would she be? Not when she has preacher Bishop Thomas Muthee of the Wasilla Assembly of God church protecting her from un-American threats like goblins, demons and "every form of witchcraft."

"Pastor Muthee was here and he was praying over me, and you know how he speaks and he's so bold," Sarah said. "And he was praying 'Lord make a way, Lord make a way' ... He said, 'Lord make a way and let her do this next step.' And that's exactly what happened."

It did! Except for the little fact that not even the main man himself (praise his name!) could save a certain elderly running mate from being embarrassed by an uppity young man named Barack Hussein Obama and his devoted throng of pious voters.

During a presidential rally for John McCain last October, Rev. Arnold Conrad called upon the good Lord to get involved in the campaign because, "There are millions of people around this world praying to their God -- whether it's Hindu, Buddha, Allah -- that his [McCain’s] opponent wins for a variety of reasons...And Lord I pray that you would guard your own reputation, because they’re going to think that their god is bigger than you, if that happens. So I pray that you would step forward and honor your own name in all that happens between now and Election Day."

Hmmm. Guess he must have gotten Him on Sunday.