Will The U.S. and China Ever See Eye-To-Eye?

Notorious peace lover and world diplomat appeaser Barack Obama took his Kumbaya routine
to the opening session of the U.S.-China Strategic and Economic Dialogue, where he pleaded with his Commie friends in the Far East to stop trampling its people en route to global domination as the world's hot new superpower.

"Just as we respect China's ancient culture and remarkable achievements, we also strongly believe that the religion and culture of all peoples must be respected and protected and that all people should be free to speak their minds," Obama said. "That includes ethnic and religious minorities in China, as surely as it includes minorities within the United States."

By emphasizing that "The freedom to speak your mind, to worship your God and to choose your leaders" are part of the identity of the United States and luckily not Red China, Obama assured nervous Chinese leaders, "These are not things we wish to impose. This is who we are."

As opposed to who they are, which is a dissident-crushing behemoth who we wouldn't be so afraid of if not for the small fact that they also happen to own all our assets and make at least half of the stupid s**t we love to buy.

So in an effort to show the world we're not going to risk relations with our favorite creditor on account of a couple of crushed Uighurs, Obama dropped the whole human rights spiel (boring!) in favor of a much more exciting topic: sports!

"President Hu [Jintao] and I both felt that it was important to get our relationship off to a good start," Obama said. "Of course, as a new president and also as a basketball fan, I have learned from the words of Yao Ming, who said, 'No matter whether you are new or an old team member, you need time to adjust to one another.'"

"Through this dialogue, I'm confident that we will meet Yao's standard."

Surely, there must be something to make us shrimpy Americans see eye-to-eye with this 7 ft 6" hardwood court ambassador.

Like standing on a stack of $740 billion nicely folded dollars. Whoever said we couldn't find a way to put our debt to China to good use?