So, you're an animal rights activist who hates women. Okay, maybe "hates" is a little strong. Let's just say you're "threatened" by the "mouthy" ones. You've put in a long day captioning photos for your blog of Hillary crying in between your sun salutations, avoiding honey and omelets in line with your vegan diet, and priding yourself on the size of your carbon footprint for downloading Asian gangbang porn instead of driving to the video store to get it. You even managed to get in a nice rotator cuff workout, throwing bricks through the window of a laboratory that conducts medical experiments on rats in hopes of finding a cure for Breast Cancer! It's been a long day, Vegan Misogynist, and now it's dark outside, and you want to go someplace a little naughty. Somewhere you can go to practice America's Favorite Pastime: ogling topless women with daddy issues who pretend to like you because you pay them.
There's just one problem: Most strip clubs tend to serve non-vegan food at their establishments, or permit their dancers to wear leather or eat meat. How are you supposed to keep your boner hard knowing that the girl you're objectifying may have had a Cobb Salad for lunch? Isn't there a gentleman's establishment that offers a cruelty-free philosophy along with a degrading, sexist environment? Well, there is now.
Portland, Oregon is host to the first vegan strip club in the world: Casa Diablo's Gentleman's Club. Proprietor Johnny Diablo promises his clientele, "We put the meat on the pole, not the plate," and, true to his word, Diablo provides real, live strippers who grind their junk in your face while you eat Mexican food prepared with no meat, eggs, or dairy. And what a relief! No longer must vegans go hungry at Scores, or nibble only on the celery sticks that come with chicken wings at Hooters. Now they can dive into steaming fajita plates with a clear conscience, knowing that none of the young women grinding around on stage are wearing any leather, silk, fur, or wool.
Wait--don't rubber or vinyl do a lot more damage to the planet? Never mind.
Johnny Diablo isn't the first person to objectify women for the sake of promoting awareness of animal rights. PETA has been using naked actresses & models in their ads for years to draw attention to what they feel is the larger problem of society's objectification of animals, and, also, the issue of PETA not having enough money or attention. But Diablo's Myspace blog boasts a more grandiose agenda beyond "boobs with a side of soy." He assures that Casa Diablo is about "dispelling the myths and lies that permeates [sic] human existence. It's about grabbing God by the balls and saying, "Hey, I'm not taking anymore of your shit, asshole!" Now, that's my kind of strip club!
Prior to his vegan strip club scheme, Diablo tried out a vegan restaurant with a pirate theme that quickly went out of business. But I think this idea is gonna work out! I mean, how could it not, right? There are TITS involved! And since it doesn't hurt animals, how could anybody possibly be offended by it?