THE BLOG

Are You Too Picky?

10/04/2010 04:12 am ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011
  • Julie Spira Author, Online Dating and Netiquette Expert, CEO of Cyber-Dating Expert, Media Personality, and Author of the Bestseller, "The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online."

You've heard it before. Your friends and family have complained that you're just too picky when you've declined yet another opportunity to be set up on a date. Have you taken a moment to ask yourself, Are you too picky?

I've spent the years coaching women who in my professional opinion might never find the men of their dreams. Why? Because they have a laundry list on why they should not give the men who are interested a chance.

Are singles too picky when it comes to love? I think so. One woman, I'll call Joan, has never been married. She's a member of two online dating sites. She has never liked any of the five men that are delivered to her InBox daily by Match.com. Surely, there must be someone she should be willing to date, I though to myself. Apparently not. In a one-month period, she finally agreed to go on only two dates. With the millions of online daters, I've tried to encourage her to go on at least one date a week. Either the men are too short, too heavy, too poor, or geographically undesirable.

When I asked her, "Are you too picky?" Her answer was, "I'm never going to settle." It was at that moment that I decided to write another relationship book entitled, "Are You Too Picky?"

We don't live in a perfect world. The earth isn't completely round or flat. Your weight may go up or down during the course of your adult lifetime. Height tends to shrink, love handles start to appear, but when you're lying in bed horizontally or sitting across from someone at the dinner table, you don't typically notice their height. If you're paying attention, you'll notice their character, confidence and personality.

When your list of deal breakers is larger than your list of friends, there's a problem. When Lori Gottlieb wrote her book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, she encouraged women not to settle, but to look at their lists and shorten them to be in sync with reality.

The second woman, who I'll call Jane, has been divorced twice. She will only date men that she says are "her type." The problem is, her type always disappears. Her relationships always run their course and she won't jump out of her comfort zone. Until she tries a new flavor, or as I like to say, a different color in the Crayola crayon box, her pattern will continue and she'll end up alone with a series of heartbreaks.

Does this sound harsh? I don't think so. When I started writing my book earlier this year, Are You Too Picky? both men and women came forward to share their stories. I truly believe that we all want to love and be loved and that this overanalyzing and pickiness has become an epidemic, at least on the west side of Los Angeles, if not everywhere. I encourage you to share your stories with me, cast a much wider net and accept a date with someone you wouldn't normally go out with, and be open to the possibilities of having someone new enhance your life.

So I'll ask you, Are you too picky? I look forward to your comments.