You've seen him at parties. He's the guy with the amazing smile whose eyes gaze into yours as if you are the only one in the room. Your heart starts to beat faster. He comes over and says hello to you and the sound of his voice is so smooth. He is interested in everything about you. You make a connection. There's chemistry. He asks you out for Friday night and you accept the date. You go home and tell your friends about this amazing man. You're in love, or serious like, or is it just lust?
When the emotions of the guy who has charmed his way into your heart get in the way of the mind, women tend to fantasize and project into the future almost immediately. Suddenly you are dreaming about weekend getaways, wondering how your friends will like your new beau, and thinking about what to wear on the very important official first date.
And then it happens. You receive an email that he's unable to make it on Friday. He says he will reschedule and apologizes by saying he isn't feeling well or had a family emergency. He disappears. Basically, he double-booked you and the woman who fell in love with his charm the night before he met you. He's a serial dater.
When he magically reappears weeks or months later, it's as if nothing wrong happened. He's eagerly excited to see you. You need to stop and ask yourself, do you want to be in bed with a serial dater? Can this man be tamed? I'll give you some suggestions on how to handle this difficult situation, should you choose to take this path. Personally, I think you should move on and find a man who made sure to reschedule and kept to his word. But if his charm gets the best of you, you need to play the game on your terms.
What does this mean? It means it's very tricky and challenging. You will have to be patient. You will need to continue dating other men until there is a firm commitment from this man. He will have to believe that life is so much better off with you than without you. He will have to wake up one day and realize that it's time to give up the life of being a kid in a candy store. You have to become so irresistible and desirable, that it no longer becomes a game to him. If you've met him online, it can be more challenging. Men are tempted with five new pretty faces every day. Even those who retire their online dating profiles, still know how to log on under a different name and continue fishing. There are strategies that you must stick to to get this man to come around.
They include:
1. Be busy. Don't make up stories about your whereabouts and play games by being unavailable, but don't sit home and wait for the phone to ring either. Create an exciting life that you would have with or without him. Everyone loves to be around a happy and joyful person. He won't complete you.
2. Don't sleep with him. Ladies, listen up. I have interviewed hundreds of men who tell me they are willing to wait to have sex if she is the right girl. How long you may ask? As long as it takes. Don't think that bonding by having sex will keep him interested. It's the women who bond under the covers. It's the women who feel sad and disappointed when he doesn't call the next day. If you get into the habit of "Friends with Benefits" you are less likely to be the girl he'll marry.
3. Give him instructions. This is completely different than telling him driving directions, which will drive him away. Let him know how you want to communicate. If a daily phone call is important to you and if you like flirty text messages in between conversations, let him know. He truly wants to be your hero.
4. Create continuity. If you are always the Friday night or Saturday night date, let him know that this ritual is important to you. Again, if there are too many cancellations, it's a red flag and a sign that you aren't a priority.
5. Set a time limit. Put a date on your calendar on how long you are willing to date him before receiving a commitment and stick to it. Guys don't like ultimatums. Neither do women, so don't become the nagging girlfriend. He'll think you'll end up the nagging wife. Be true to yourself and decide when it's time to move on. If he doesn't want to lose you, he'll come back because it was his decision, and that's one that he's more likely to keep.
If the serial dater realizes that he wants to ride off into the sunset together with you, and only you, you'll need to feel secure that you are number one, not one of many. The mysterious disappearances and secrets will fade away. Continuity will replace confusion. He will be proud to have you on his arm and in his life. You can truly tame the serial dater, when he realizes he has won the prize with you.
Follow Julie Spira on Twitter: www.twitter.com/JulieSpira
A: Why would you want to?
This sort of thinking is what's keeping so many women, especially women in my age range (35+) single. There's no taming of a serial dater. He will continue to date for as long as it works for him. No woman will magically change him. No amount of patience or support or sex will make the charming rogue want to be a better man. He has to decide to do that for himself.
"I have interviewed hundreds of men who tell me they are willing to wait to have sex if she is the right girl. How long you may ask? As long as it takes."
Men have too many options, and don't have to wait for anyone. If he does find that one special lady - and serial daters rarely do - then it's highly likely that he'll be sleeping with other women until that one special one has decided she's comfortable getting physical. The problem with that is that the woman runs the risk of losing him to someone else, as men need the physical aspect to confirm if said woman is "the one." As tacky as it sounds, if a woman isn't getting physical after a handful of dates, the guy's interest wanes. They either worry that they're being used for the wallets or assume the woman just isn't interested.
I read a book called "Love, An Inner Connection;" it suggests the back-and-forth period of doubt in the beginning is an inevitable stage on the road to commitment. The challenge for the person who believes in the connection is to be patient yet respectful of their own boundaries, while giving the less convinced party the chance to figure things out. Be open when the guy is coming from an honest, loving place; withdraw when he's not.
Reading it may let you know whether you've got a true love connection or something you need to let go.
Check out my blog post, Love, An Inner Connection: http://tartandsoul.com/2009/10/12/love-an-inner-connection/
"He will have to wake up one day and realize that it's time to give up the life of being a kid in a candy store."
If it was all free, the only time a kid would want to leave the candy store is when his belly is super full. And, of course, he might decide that he doesn't want anymore candy after that. But, as soon as his belly is empty, he'll be right back at the candy store.
At best, you'll be the girl who drives him home from the candy store before he sneaks back soon.
"2. Don't sleep with him. Ladies, listen up. I have interviewed hundreds of men who tell me they are willing to wait to have sex if she is the right girl."
Ladies, listen up. There is a difference between questions asked in a theoretical vacuum and the way the world works. Think about this...
"Would you be willing to wait for the right girl?" "Sure" How else would you answer this...NO?
But, the fact that he waits DOES NOT mean you are the right girl. Men can fool themselves into believing he's in love if that is how he must get the sex.
Until you have had sex and he still wants to be with you, you will never know for sure.
Imagine you owned 5,000 pairs of shoes, would you only wear one, no matter how great?